We Did Not Make it, We Did Not Pull Through
by Halawen
Summary: A tragedy will tear them apart ending an epic love. Or maybe it will bring them closer together when they find they need each other more than ever. Read A/Ns very important! Clew with Adam, Owen, Paige, Ashley, Jenna, K.C., Fitz and Bianca among others. Trigger warnings and drama, lots of drama and tear jerking moments.
1. Don't Give you Nothing it Can't Take

**Legal: I own nothing but the idea.**

 **Welcome to my new Tuesday night Clew fic! This first chapter contains a trigger warning so read with caution.**

 **This story is going to be an emotional tempest, along the lines of How'd I Let You Slip Away and Dangerous Secret only probably with more tear jerker moments. So if you have a tendency to tear up at movies like "Listen to Your Heart", "Untamed Heart" or "Terms of Endearment" I recommend keeping a box of tissues handy when reading this.**

 **While this will be a drama and tear jerker there will be some very tender moments, some fluff and some smut as well.**

 **All the important stuff you need to know before reading:**

 ***Clare did have cancer and was with Eli at the time**

 ***Adam did not die or even crash Becky died**

 ***Clare was never pregnant in high school and began dating Drew after the hoe down because Dallas didn't ruin everything**

 **Okay that pretty much does it the rest of the background stuff you need to know is in Clare's pov as she monologues near the end so be sure and read it.**

 **If you went to the DeGrassi Saviors website and saw the clue for this chapter and the picture then you should have at least a vague idea of what to expect.**

 **Ch. 1 This World Don't Give you Nothing it Can't Take Away**

 **(CLARE)**

" **HELP!** " I scream running into the ER with Ezra clutched to my chest. His tiny body is like a little oven, his fevered brow nearly burning my chest. Drew runs at my side, his hand on my back, our eyes full of tears and our thoughts on our son. "Please help," I beg even as nurses rush to us because help cannot come fast enough.

"What's wrong? How old is the child?" A nurse asks taking Ezra from my arms.

"Nine weeks, he's had a fever the last few days, on and off but now he's not breathing well. We don't know what's wrong we've taken him to the doctor, they didn't know either they told us it was a cold and gave us medicine," Drew explains.

With our son out of my arms I turn and cling to my husband, gripping his t-shirt and doing all I can not to just crumble to the floor. Drew's arm is around me tightly, he's shaking, trembling just a little with anxiety and fear. It's a vulnerability he only shows when he's really upset or worried. A vulnerability I've only seen in him a few times in the six and a half years we've been together.

A nurse is talking and people are rushing and all I want to do is hold Ezra. I hear Drew talking; I hear his heart pounding and his voice reverberate through his chest as he talks to the nurse. I hear alarms and sirens, beeping and people yelling but the sound I'm concentrating on is my husband's heartbeat, pumping blood through his body, blood that also runs in the veins of our son.

"Clare come on we can go be with Ezra," Drew tells me and we start walking.

We follow a nurse into a room shielded by a curtain. Ezra is lying on a bed; they have him protected by pillows and blankets with wires, monitors and oxygen attached to his tiny body. The sight of it is heartbreaking, he looks so fragile and so small, I want to hold him but I can't and I turn into Drew again breaking down and sobbing on his chest. I hear Drew talking to the nurse again or maybe a doctor, I hear them talking, Drew's chest vibrating with his voice but I can't hear the words. I'm amazed Drew can keep it together as well as he is because I don't think I could form words right now through my tears.

"Clare," Drew says lifting my head up, "we can sit with him. They took some blood and they're running some tests but they don't know what's going on."

"I want to hold him," I sob sitting at my son's feet on the bed.

"I know, she said we could hold his hand," Drew tells me sitting in a chair and holding Ezra's right hand. I reach up taking Ezra's left hand, his little fingers curl around mine and I feel like I'm going to break down again.

"He has to be okay," I cry watching my son who looks like he's sleeping only he has tubes and wires all over.

"He'll be okay," Drew nods, "he'll be just fine he had to have gotten some of your stubbornness."

I smile ever so slightly at this comment, one corner of my mouth turning up just the tiniest bit. I take a deep breath trying to calm down and be strong for my son.

"Where is the nurse? Why isn't someone telling us what's going on?" I demand when it's been several minutes and no one has come back in the room.

"They don't know what's going on, they're giving him medicine to try and take his fever down. They took an x-ray too because he's struggling to breathe," Drew says.

"So far all of Ezra's tests have come back normal," a female doctor tells us coming into the room. "The x-ray didn't show any fluid or blockage in the lungs, we can do an MRI or CT to be sure but those tests come with their own risks and at the moment I don't want to put him through that. Hopefully if we can bring down the fever the rest of his vitals will return to normal, I believe his body is just working hard to combat the high fever right now which is why he's having some trouble breathing. We're going to keep him on the oxygen and keep him over night while we run tests to look for viral infection."

"And if you can't find anything? What if he gets worse? This fever has been going on and off for days and his pediatrician and the last ER doctor we saw told us he had a cold or maybe a flu. They gave him infant acetaminophen and sent us home, his fever would go away for a few hours and then come back," I inform the doctor with a shrill voice full of anxiety and anguish.

"I know right now the diagnosis is an FUO or fever of unknown origin. We don't know what's causing it but we do know how to treat fevers. If it gets worse we'll transfer him to the children's hospital. Right now he just needs to rest, to let the medicine take effect and bring his fever down. Someone will be back to check on you in a few moments," she says and then leaves.

"Drew he's burning up still the medicine isn't working," I say with a desperation in my voice.

"They just gave it to him, give them some time the doctors know what they're doing. I should call Adam, he can go to our apartment and bring us some clothes if we're going to be here all night," Drew tells me and leaves the room to call his brother.

I ran out of the house in my thick bathrobe, shoes and my nightie, Drew quickly put on some sweats and a t-shirt. I woke up out of instinct I think, Ezra didn't cry to let me know he was hungry between midnight and one like he always does. When I woke up suddenly and looked at the clock seeing that it was after 1:30 I just knew something was wrong and picked Ezra up. He was burning up, his breathing was a little funny and he was so motionless even when I was holding him to my chest, he just barely reacted it was like my child wasn't in there. I screamed for Drew to wake up, we threw enough on to be out in public and jumped in the car to rush to the hospital. It never even occurred to us to call an ambulance because the hospital is only a couple of blocks from our apartment.

Ezra is still lying just as motionless, other than his tiny fingers curled around my index finger he's not even reacting to my touch. All I can do is sit on the bed watching my son and silently praying that he'll be okay. He looks even worse with all the wires and monitors and I'm trying to be strong but I can't stop crying.

"Adam and Paige will go by our place and grab a change of clothes and some stuff so we don't have to leave," Drew tells me sitting behind me on the bed. He puts his arm around me stroking Ezra's foot under the blanket and I lean back on Drew. He's always been my rock, well ever since senior year anyway.

Every few minutes a nurse or doctor comes to check Ezra's vitals and tell us they still don't know anything. After an hour Ezra's fever has gone down but they're still keeping him overnight and neither Drew nor I is leaving his side.

"Hey we brought you some clothes and some things you'll need," Paige says walking in with Adam and each of them carrying a bag.

"Thanks," Drew replies taking the bags and setting them down.

"How is he?" Adam questions coming around the bed to look at his nephew.

"His fever is down again but they don't know what caused it and they have no answers for us other than to say it's a fever of unknown origin," Drew tells them and I feel like crying again, I thought I was all cried out and knowing his fever was down I wouldn't shed anymore tears but now all I want to do is cry.

"You want us to stay?" Paige asks.

"No you should go home you guys have work in a few hours," I tell them but I haven't taken my eyes off Ezra.

"We'll stop by in the morning call us if there's anything else you need," Adam says he kisses my cheek and gives Drew a consoling pat on the back. Paige hugs us both and then they go.

"I'll close the curtain we can change here so we don't have to leave him," Drew comments when Adam and Paige leave.

"He's barely moving, he's just so lifeless," I remark and my voice is strained with the agony I feel.

"He's sleeping Clare his little body needs to rest," Drew tries to assure me.

"No that's not what it looks like when he sleeps, why haven't they done anything? Why haven't they been in to look at him?"

"The doctors know what they're doing Clare he's going to be okay."

I nod and pick up the bad, Drew is right the doctors know what they're doing and if something was wrong they would tell us or transfer us. That's what they said they'd transfer us to another hospital. I have to trust that they know what they're doing and they'll make Ezra better.

Drew holds the curtains closed while I get dressed, at least until I'm covered and if someone opens the curtain it won't expose me. He's pretty dressed but they brought him a change of clothes anyway, the one thing he did run out of the house without was shoes so he puts those on. They also brought Drew a sweater which he puts on because the hospital is chilly. Then we sit back on the bed and watch Ezra, watch him sleep and silently pray that he gets better. Every hour or so a nurse or doctor comes in to check his vitals and make a note in his chart but they say very little to us. After a few hours of watching Ezra exhaustion sets in and my body begins to succumb to the feeling of sleep. I lean a little heavier on Drew, and my eyes flutter closed, Drew's arm goes around me a little tighter I feel the heaviness in his body as he too begins to fall asleep.

I wake up not to a hospital alarm, a doctor coming in, someone yelling or Ezra crying. I wake up when Ezra's body starts to radiate heat. I feel it; his hand in mine becomes so hot it almost burns to hold it. His fever is back.

"Drew, Drew wake up he has a fever again," I say frantically shaking my husband.

Drew wakes up instantly and reaches over to feel Ezra's skin, "DOCTOR!"

A nurse and a doctor come running in when Drew yells. They look at Ezra and quickly take his temperature while the nurse looks at his vitals. They're panicked I see it in their eyes and suddenly the doctor is saying a lot of things very quickly. He orders ice and more acetaminophen, more blood drawn, a respirator and an MRI. After saying a lot of stuff very quickly to the nurse the doctor pulls us out of the room and by the look on his face I know it's not good.

"I'm Doctor Quayle I just got on shift and was being briefed on your son's case when you yelled. Your son's fever has spiked again there are some things to worry about so I'm going to take some more blood and we'll send him for an MRI. We'll try it without sedation first because he is already lying still and is lethargic due to the fever. If he begins to move we'll need to sedate him and that comes with its own risks. As soon as we've drawn the blood and done the MRI we'll get his fever down with medicine and cold packs. His temperature is dangerously high and I will do everything I can to find the cause. They're taking him down to MRI now, if you take a seat in the room we'll bring him back in a few moments."

I can't move, I just turn into Drew and start crying again, my head on his chest. Drew's arms tighten around me and I feel him crying too. It feels like an eternity before Ezra is brought back to the room, carried back by a nurse. He's hooked up to the monitors again and given an oxygen mask.

"Why does he have the mask?" I question the nurse.

"His breathing is labored, most likely because of how hard his body is working with the fever. It's just to help him breathe so we're sure that his cells are getting enough oxygen it's not breathing for him. The doctor should be in to speak with you in a few moments," she replies and leaves the room.

Drew and I sit on the bed again and watch our son, just watch him lie there hooked up to the machines. Adam and Paige stop by to check on us but the only thing we need is for Ezra to get better and they can't give us that. They tell us to call if we need anything or if anything changes before they go to work. A nurse has already come in to give him another shot of acetaminophen and they have an insulated ice pack under him to help cool him down. The doctor comes in to tell us that the MRI looks normal and they're running more extensive tests on his bloodwork but they still have no idea what's causing it. If one more person tells me it's an FUO I'll scream.

After an hour his fever hasn't come down and the doctors are rushing around, giving him medicine, ice, and a sponge bath with luke warm water. Nothing is working and I'm watching my son, still so very new to this world, slip away. He's red and yet pale, he's fighting so hard but he's not strong enough. I can't bear to the watch the doctors and nurses so busily doing so many things and at the same time be scratching their heads trying to figure out why our son is sick. I turn and bury my head into Drew's chest sobbing as I listen to my husband's heartbeat and the chaos around me.

 _Beep…beep…beep…beep…beeeee_ the sound of the heart monitor slowing and then flat lining makes me look up again. Ezra is slipping away, he's dying before my eyes, he looks grey and pallid, his eyes open for just a brief second. His tiny little eyes are clouded but they lock with mine and with Drew's and then Ezra closes his eyes and he's gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream before all the breath leaves my body and my son's brief life is over.

A few weeks ago I was on top of the world I had everything, everything I wanted anyway. I was married to the man I'd been in love with since my senior year of high school. After jumping him in the storage room and breaking up with Eli a few moments later Drew and I became official. Everyone but Adam was shocked, he saw us growing close since I had cancer that summer. We were prom king and queen, and Drew didn't have to owe anyone a favor to get us elected we were actually voted in. I went to Columbia in the fall and best of all Adam got in too, Drew followed me to New York and took classes at a community college while working at an elementary school. The three of us got an apartment together and Adam began the final stages of his transformation to male.

Adam got a part time job at a radio station in Manhattan and that's where he met Paige. She was dating a girl named Mandy at the time and Adam was dating girl called Ariana but he and Paige hit it off pretty quickly. They became close friends and when both their relationships ended they began a relationship together. One that is four and half years strong now and they are engaged, their wedding is in June, just a few months away. Drew proposed to me during my senior year at Columbia on the anniversary of the first time we slept together. We were married that August in a beautiful ceremony back in Toronto. Drew had graduated with a degree in education and had a job as a kindergarten teacher. Right after the wedding I got my dream job, well the first step to my dream job anyway, as a journalist at the New York Post.

Then last May I found out I was pregnant, when I told Drew he was so happy. That big happy, goofy grin that he has stretched off his face, he yelled happily and excitedly, picked me up twirling me around the living room so many times we both got dizzy. He called everyone we knew, everyone we could track down and told them he was going to be a dad. I had a pretty easy pregnancy and even carried to term, Ezra Adam Torres was born at 6:29am on February 4th after six hours of labor. Drew was floating on air he was so happy, every time he looked at Ezra he was happy, beaming with pride and love for his first born child. He was the proudest father I'd ever seen and he relished every moment he got with Ezra. I had been working from home and had only gone back to work last week. Drew always took Ezra for the evening and he never complained once about diaper changing, late night feedings or having to soothe Ezra to sleep.

Our son had taken over our world, become our entire world and now our entire world was gone.

 **(DREW)**

"Time of death 11:34am April 4th," the doctor pronounces our son dead and my world stops. I had no idea words could cut so deeply and hurt so much. It feels like everything is dark and crumbling, Clare collapses into my arms, she's screaming and crying so hard she can't even breathe. All I can do is hold her, hold my wife in my arms and look at my son that I love so much and he's dead. It doesn't seem possible, how can a life be so brief?

The doctor and nurses leave, they say something to us as they go, something like they'll give us some time but we're crying so hard I can't hear what they say. When they're gone Clare pulls out of my arms to look at Ezra, they've unhooked him from all the machines and monitors and he's just our son. Clare picks him up, holding him tight against her chest and wailing over the body of our baby boy. I hold them both, it's all I can do hold them and cry. This pain I'm feeling, this pain is so deep and sharp and like no other pain I've felt and I never want to feel it again, I want this pain to stop.

"You two should go home and get some rest," a nurse tells us coming in the room after some time.

"No no I won't leave him," Clare shakes her head gripping him tighter.

"There's nothing more you can do, you really should go home a…"

"NOOOOOOO!" Clare screams so loud it brings more nurses and doctors in here and Clare starts coughing to get air after using it all to scream.

"We need more time," I tell them and they all just nod and leave through the curtains.

We stay like that for I don't how long, at some point they moved the gurney into a private waiting room or something. I don't even remember them doing it but I guess they needed the ER bay. I don't even realize we're in the room until I feel my brother's hand on my shoulder. I look up and my little brother is crying, mourning the loss of his nephew, mourning our loss, Paige is here too sitting next to Clare but we don't say anything there's nothing we can say.

"Drew she needs to go home, she's shaking, she hasn't eaten or slept and if she keeps crying this way she's going to pass out," Adam tells me after watching Clare for a few minutes. I didn't even realize she was shaking so much or maybe I just thought it was the sobbing but Adam is right.

"She won't let him go and I don't think either of us are in any condition to drive," I reply but the words hardly come out my voice is so thin from crying and the heart wrenching pain I'm feeling.

"I'll talk to Clare, Adam find their stuff and get a doctor or someone. Adam can drive your car to your place and I'll follow in ours," Paige says taking charge. Adam leaves the room and Paige kneels down in front of Clare. "This isn't Ezra anymore Clare, he's in your hearts now, his love is always with you but this is just his shell and it's time to let go," Paige tells her.

Clare doesn't say anything but she lets Paige take Ezra and then Clare crumbles even further. A nurse comes in and rushes out again; he returns with a wheelchair and helps Clare into it. I get my keys from my pocket and hand them to Paige.

"Get her home we'll follow in a few minutes," I say to Paige and take my son from her.

"Take your time I'll take care of her," Paige assures me.

Adam goes out with them to get our stuff in the car and make sure Clare gets in the car okay. Now I'm alone with my son, no not my son anymore just his lifeless body that's becoming cold and stiff. He looks like one of the porcelain dolls at my grandma's house now. I sit in a chair cradling Ezra's body along my arms, his head in my hands and his little tiny feet hanging off my elbows.

"You can't be gone, how can you be gone you never even got a chance at life. I barely got to know you, to hold you, to love you. I never got to show you how to throw a football, see you off to your first day of school. I love you so much, I'd kill to protect you, how can you be gone just like that? I love you Ezra, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you; I'm sorry I failed you and let you down. I should have…should have done something, there had to be something we could have done to keep you in this world. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry my beautiful son I am so sorry," I apologize and break down in tears again. Saltwater pours from my eyes onto his body, my eyes close and a part of me never wants to open them again.

"Come on Drew we should get you home to Clare," Adam tells me and I feel someone taking Ezra from me.

I let him be taken from my arms and Adam helps me to stand. I don't see anything on the short drive home, even if my eyes weren't so bleary with tears I couldn't see. The only thing I see is every moment I had with my son and wishing I'd had a million more. Adam parks at our apartment building and we go up to our apartment. Nothing has changed in the apartment itself but it feels so empty now, so very empty and cold. Paige is on the sofa, she's on the phone but hangs up when she sees us.

"I called Owen and Ash they'll be here in an hour, they'll help us make the arrangements," Paige tells me.

"I'll call Mom and Dad and Jenna and K.C., I'm sure Mom and Dad will want to come down. We'll call everyone, Jake and Clare's parents and everyone else. You and Clare just be there for each other," Adam says.

"Speaking of my wife where is she?" I question.

"I went to the washroom and when I came out she'd locked herself in the nursery. I tried to get her to open the door but she just keeps crying," Paige informs me.

I nod and walk upstairs to the bedrooms, we moved to a two bedroom as soon as we knew Clare was pregnant. We started designing the nursery as soon as we moved in, painted it blue as soon as we knew we were having a son and he never even spent a single night in the nursery. We changed him in there and played with him in there sometimes but he was still sleeping in a bassinet in our room.

"Clare, Pretty Eyes it's me open up," I call knocking on the door. My head is pounding but my heart feels like it's just been wrenched open. My voice is hoarse and I'm so exhausted I can barely stand. "Clare open the door," I call again but she doesn't answer and I can't stand anymore. I lean my back against the door and sink to the floor, bringing up my knees and laying my arms on them, my head falls down and new tears come. "Clare," I say again knocking weakly and thinking I may just collapse here on the floor to sleep.

Clare says nothing but something hits the door and shatters, the sound of breaking glass startles me awake but the smell of alcohol is what's chilling. Clare doesn't drink, not ever she barely even has wine at special occasions she's such a light weight she gets tipsy after a single glass. I smell whiskey and knowing she hasn't eaten or slept in over 18 hours, knowing she was so dehydrated after crying I envision her passed out amidst broken glass on the other side of the door.

"CLARE OPEN THE DOOR!"

 **Well how was that for an emotional first chapter and the ride ain't over yet. Next chapter will pick up from here, include the arrival of some family and friends and probably also include Ezra's funeral.**


	2. Tear Drops from a Hole in Heaven

**So DeGrassi as a High school for supernatural beings and creatures won the story poll. Now you guys need to vote on what kind of supernatural/mythic beings all the main and secondary characters will be. This week you get to vote on what you'd like Clare, Maya and Jay to be. All the character polls will be up for one week.**

 **Ch. 2 Tear Drops from a Hole in Heaven Dropping Down like Bombs**

 **(ADAM)**

The sound of breaking glass followed by my brother yelling for Clare to open the door sends me and Paige running up the stairs. We drop our phones on the way and when we get upstairs are overcome by the overwhelming scent of strong alcohol that has saturated the door and carpet beneath it. Clare doesn't drink but I know she must have locked herself in and smashed the bottle on the other side of the door. She also hasn't eaten or slept in many hours and when she's this upset never really thinks about what she's doing.

"CLARE PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR," Drew yells but in a begging tone.

Clare doesn't say anything but we can hear her crying, sobbing so hard that she can barely breathe. Knowing that she's not going to let us in Drew moves us back and kicks the door in. Not sure he could do that on a normal day but right now he's full of adrenaline.

The door swings open and we find Clare huddled on the floor crying and clutching Ezra's baby blanket to her, silently wailing over the loss of her son. Drew lets out a small breath, taking a bit of comfort I suppose in the fact that physically at least she's unharmed. He's wearing shoes but still steps over the broken glass, walking to Clare and sitting next to her. He crosses his legs pulling her arms so that she's laying partially in his lap and she buries her head in his lap. Clare cries harder and Drew leans down over his wife, almost like a shield, and he too begins shedding tears once again. Both of them are crying so hard it shakes their bodies and takes their breath away.

My own heart already broken at the loss of my nephew breaks for them. I wish I could do something to even alleviate the pain but they just lost their baby. A baby they wanted so badly and were so happy when they found out Clare was pregnant. Drew has always doted on Clare but when she was pregnant with their son she became his goddess and I had never seen my brother so elated and proud. And now it was gone.

"Let them be, they need each other more than anything right now. Let's clean up," I whisper to Paige taking her arm.

"Someone should stay with them at all times the next few days. I can already see Clare falling into a depression and Drew's not far behind," Paige comments as we return downstairs.

"One of us will be here, I know my parents will stay. Can you get out the vacuum? I'll grab Drew's work gloves from the garage and pick up the big shards of glass," I tell my fiancé.

She nods and gives me a quick kiss, I go into the garage and find Drew's work gloves, leather gloves he uses for yard work and his Honey-Do lists. When I get upstairs Drew and Clare are still crying but it's slowed a little. After I toss all the big pieces of glass in the trash Paige vacuums and when she's done we notice that Drew and Clare have cried themselves to sleep.

"We better leave them there, they need sleep and if we wake them to move them to their bed I don't think they'll fall asleep right away," Paige comments.

"I'm sure they'd want to sleep in here anyway," I reply and go into their bedroom. I grab the throw blanket from their bed and cover them with it. Then Paige and I close the door, as much as we can since Drew broke it, and go downstairs. "I'll call Jake and then my parents, can you call Clare's parents?" I request of Paige as we sit on the sofa.

"Yeah of course," she nods.

I really haven't even processed it all yet, I'm really just trying to hold it together and be Drew and Clare's strength right now. After seeing them in the hospital that night Paige and I came home and cried, Ezra was still alive but we were sad that he was sick and people we care about were in pain. When we first learned Ezra was gone we had to be strong for them and while we've cried for a few moments at this time we haven't really grasped the fact that we lost a nephew. Currently I'm more worried about trying to keep Drew and Clare from completely falling apart, and we're keeping ourselves busy, making notifications and arrangements for Ezra's funeral. If I stop even for a second I'm sure to break down too and they need me right now so I can't do that. Paige takes her phone and goes near the back door to call Helen and Glen, I don't have a current number for Jake but I do know where Clare's phone is.

"Hey Clare I only have a f…"

"It's Adam," I interrupt Jake.

"What's wrong with Clare?" He asks knowing I wouldn't be calling from her phone if it wasn't an emergency.

"Ezra's gone, he died earlier today. Drew and Clare are…Paige and I are handling the notifications and arrangements for them. The funeral will probably be this weekend," I tell him and the other end of the line is silent.

Clare and Jake had an awkward time adjusting to siblings after dating, they've never been particularly close but they've always been there when the other one needed them. Jake's been married to Katie for four years now and they live in California.

"Dead?" Jake whispers and then clears his throat. "I'll call Katie we'll make arrangements to fly out on Friday. Do my dad and Helen know?"

"Paige is calling them now."

"We'll get flight on Friday, call if there's anything we can do."

"Yeah I will," I reply and hang up. Next I have to call my parents; they were nearly as thrilled to be grandparents as Drew and Clare were to be parents. "Mom," I say when she answers but my voice cracks.

"Adam what's wrong?"

"Ezra is gone, he passed away."

"Oh no! Ezra," Mom whispers and I hear her crying.

"Paige and I are here making notifications and we'll make the arrangements. Drew and Clare are sleeping now; I don't know what to do for them."

"I'll call your father we'll leave right away."

"Thanks Mom."

Before I can make any more phone calls there's a knock on the door, I get up and let Owen and Ashley in. We hug them in a silent greeting and they step in looking around the house.

"Where are Drew and Clare?" Owen questions.

"Asleep in Ezra's room, they need to sleep I don't know when they slept last," I reply.

"They must be in so much pain, I can't even fathom the loss of a child," Ashley says.

Owen met Ashley at our engagement party last year, he asked her out that night and they've been together ever since. A couple of months ago she moved into his place in Long Beach. Owen graduated U of T with a coaching certificate and he coaches a high school football team. Ashely works as a music teacher at a high school in Brooklyn but she's hoping to transfer to the same school Owen coaches at in September. Owen has been good friends with Drew since high school, over the years he's become close to Clare as well.

"I'm worried about them, Ezra was their world from the minute Clare became pregnant and now he's gone," I comment.

"All we can do is keep them from falling apart all together," Paige says.

"Yeah so what can we do to help? You need us to call someone? Clean? Cook?" Owen asks.

"Someone should call K.C. and Jenna, there will be more phone calls to make but I can't think of them right now. We should probably make some food although I'm not sure either Drew or Clare will want to eat. We need to make arrangements too, does anyone have any idea how you plan a funeral?" I question as I start to break down and Paige holds me.

"A funeral home, we should call a funeral home I can do that," Owen replies.

"My parents are coming down tonight, I'm going to check on Drew and Clare," I tell them.

"You want me to come with you?" Paige offers.

"No I need a minute, I'll be right back," I reply and kiss her softly. Owen is on the sofa looking at the internet on his phone to find a funeral home. Ashley is cleaning the kitchen probably just to have something to do. I go upstairs and quietly open the door; Drew and Clare are still huddled together and asleep on the nursery floor. I close the door again and let them rest then I go into their room. The bed is still unmade; Ezra's bassinet sits at the foot of the bed, his swaddling blanket hanging over the side. It smells like him, Ezra's blanket smells like him and suddenly all I can see is my nephew and I sink down on the bed crying.

 **(CLARE)**

I wake after a peaceful sleep to the nightmare of knowing my child is gone forever. As soon as my eyes open and I look at the nursery that he never even got old enough to sleep in I start to cry again. New tears, fresh tears, drops of saltwater and drops of pain pouring from my eyes and they won't stop. My sobbing awakens Drew, I feel him take a deep breath, sit up and his arm tightens around me, his chest starts shaking as he too begins crying again. I'm not sure we'll ever be able to stop.

"It's after dark, I hear people downstairs," Drew comments after some time and swallowing some tears.

"I don't want to see anyone; I just want to be in here. He's gone, how can he be gone? How could the doctors not know anything? They ran tests, they ran so many tests and they don't know anything how could they not know anything Drew? How could they not do anything? How could they let him die?"

Drew doesn't say anything he only holds me closer and strokes my arm. He's crying harder, holding me tighter in lieu of anything to say because there is nothing he can say. Drew's embrace suddenly feels suffocating and I push him away. I stand up slowly, my legs are shaking, my whole body is shaking. I lean on Ezra's crib and grip the side of it looking at the baby quilt that my grandmother knitted, the bear that Audra saved from when Drew was a baby and put in Ezra's crib. We were going to give it to him when he was old enough, tell him again and again how it belonged to his father and now Ezra will never know. Drew stands and puts his hands on my arms but I shrug him off.

"I want to be alone, go downstairs see who's here," I tell Drew through the tears.

He lets go of me and I hear him walk out of the room. I pick up the bear from the crib and sit in the rocking chair, cradling the bear in my arms as though it were Ezra. I didn't think it was possible to love someone so much, as deeply as I love Drew the love I have for Ezra is so much deeper, a bond that almost nothing could sever and I miss him so incredibly I don't know how this pain could ever diminish. I simply don't understand how a life so new and young can be gone or anyone get pas grief like this. Ever since rushing Ezra to the hospital last night I've felt like I can't breathe.

"Owen and Ashley are here, my parents are trying to find a flight tonight," Drew tells me coming back into the room. He sounds sad but he's not crying anymore, I don't think although I'm not actually looking at him. "You should eat something, Ashley made food," Drew says.

"I'm not hungry," I shake my head.

"Clare you need to eat."

"No. No what I need is to have my son in my arms again. What I need is for someone to tell me why he was taken from us, for someone to give me a reason that he died besides telling me it was a fever of unknown origin. He's gone Drew, yesterday we were holding him, changing him in this room, feeding him and now he's gone," I wail clutching the bear even tighter.

"I know, I miss him too. I want to hold him, to kiss him; I wish I could have done som…"

"WE COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING!" I scream at my husband cutting him off but the energy to scream so loud drains my body and now I'm dizzy. I'm also nauseas and though I haven't eaten I feel like I might throw up. I fall out of the chair and land on the floor between the chair and ottoman, putting my head down without even the strength to cry any longer.

"Clare you need to eat. We got a few hours of sleep but you haven't eaten in over twenty four hours. Please Clare if you keep going like this you're going to end up in the emergency room, the same emergency room where our son died and I don't think I can go back there," Drew begs sitting next to me and taking my hand.

"Did you eat?" I question but my voice is so hoarse and cracked and thin the words barely come out. When I woke up Drew's arms felt suffocating but now I want to be in my husband's arms again and I move into them. They wrap around me tightly and I lay my head on his shoulder.

"I'll eat with you, I'll text Adam someone will bring us food," Drew tells me.

He lets go of me briefly to get out his phone and text Adam to bring us food. Then he helps me up and we move to the wall, Drew sits against it and I lean against him, still clutching the bear. I do put the bear down when Adam comes in with two plates of food and two bottles of water.

"I didn't know how much you'd eat, if you want more just let me know," he says.

"Thanks Adam," I reply taking a water bottle because I realize I'm dehydrated and now I'm incredibly thirsty. He puts the plate on Drew's lap and leaves us in the room, it's only while watching Adam walk out that I notice the door is broken. "What happened to the door?"

"I kicked it open when you broke the bottle I thought you were passed out in a bunch of shattered glass," Drew confesses as he starts to pick at the food.

"I don't know how to get through this Drew."

"Neither do I but we'll get through it together."

We pick at the plate of food in silence, neither of us really has an appetite but our bodies need food. We sit in the dark of the nursery together but we're worlds apart. From downstairs I can hear Owen's deep voice almost as clearly as if he was standing in the hall. I can sometimes hear Adam, Paige and Ashley and I know we aren't alone but I've never felt more alone. This pain, this suffocating, strangling, agonizing pain wrapped around my body is isolating me from everyone. I lost my baby, my world and now I'm certain that you can die from a broken heart.

"We have to call work; we can't go in tomorrow you c…"

"Adam took care of it, he called the school and the Post no one is expecting us for the rest of the week," Drew assures me setting the plate on the floor. We both drank down the water but between the two of us hardly ate half the plate of food.

"I can't stop thinking about Ezra if I'm not replaying every memory I have of him from the minute he was born then I'm thinking of everything he'll never see or do," I admit taking Drew's hand and rubbing my finger over the crescent shaped scar just under his thumb.

He got the scar a few months ago when he was building Ezra's crib, Drew cut his hand on a nail and at seven months pregnant I had to drive him to the hospital. He got five stitches and we got Owen to build the crib. After the cut healed Drew built everything else in the nursery, including a bookshelf from scratch to prove that he could. He surprised me with it when I came home from work one day.

"Yeah me too, I think I've replayed every moment we had together more than a dozen times. I can picture him grown up, I can see teenage Ezra and he'll never get there. I'll never be able to teach him to play football or basketball, take him to his first day of school, give him girl advice, see h…" Drew can't finish as his voice chokes and more tears come, pouring down from his eyes.

I grip my husband and cry again, more tears, so many tears, so much pain and grief I think I might drown it.

 **(DREW)**

"The limo will be here in ten minutes is Clare ready?" Mom questions.

"She's probably in Ezra's room; she's hardly left there the last three days. I'll get her," I reply.

Today is Saturday, the darkest most terrible Saturday I've ever had to face. Today is a day I thought I'd never go through, I suppose no one does; no parent ever thinks they'll have to bury their child. My parents have been here since Wednesday, Owen and Ash have been up several times, Adam and Paige are over every day, Clare's parents and Jake both arrived last night. I can usually pull myself together enough and be strong enough to greet people, to speak for me and Clare and make sure that she's at least eating. We haven't eaten much in the last few days and we've only slept crying ourselves to sleep, usually on the floor of Ezra's room because Clare refuses to leave it.

I walk upstairs pushing open the door, which is still broken, and look at my wife. Clare stands in her black dress and heels, she looks well put together but I know she's a chaos falling apart inside. Clare is looking at the bookshelf I built and running her finger over the spine of Ezra's baby book that only has a few pages filled.

"Clare it's time to go," I tell her from the doorway and she looks up at me, "the limo will be here soon."

"Why'd we get a limo?"

"It was Mom's idea," I answer.

"I don't know if I can do this, lay him to rest. How can I lose a baby when I haven't even lost the baby weight from having him yet?" Clare questions and begins to shake as she starts to tear up again. In the last few days we've cried so much it's made us both sick.

I walk to Clare, encircling her in my arms and kissing her cheek. I have no words to comfort her, to make this right and all I can do is hold her and be strong for her. I walk her downstairs and everyone else is waiting, giving us the same worried, sorrowful looks. When the limo pulls up Mom grabs Clare's purse and we get into the limo. It's us and our parents riding in the limo, Mom decided it would be easier than having us try and drive. I knew Clare wouldn't like the idea but neither of us have been able to make any decisions or even think about the funeral. Adam and Paige did most of it, Owen and Ashley helped and my mom fine-tuned all the details of course. And Clare and I have just been trying to get out of bed and survive these last few days. It's all we can do to shower and eat and get up knowing our son is gone.

The car drives into the cemetery and drives through until we reach the spot where we're going to bury Ezra. The sun is shining, the sky bright and blue and all I can think is how much I wish I could share this day with Ezra. The limo stops and the driver opens the door, Mom gets out and then Dad, I get out and help Clare out putting my arm around her we walk to the gravesite. There are seats set up to the right side of the grave and the tiniest white casket I've ever seen is suspended over the grave. There's flowers all around, so many it looks like a flower shop went out of business. Ezra's headstone was chosen by Adam, the one person that knows us both really well. The dark marble headstone has two hearts with an angel between them; Ezra's picture is on one side, one of the many pictures with him smiling. In the other heart is his full name and date of birth and underneath it says he was taken too soon.

I'm staring at the headstone but Clare is shaking, her head turns into my chest and her legs are wobbling so much I think she might fall soon. I take a deep breath and help her to the chairs, sitting with my arm around her as she cries against me. I cried a lot this morning, all during my shower and while getting ready but I haven't cried since getting to the cemetery. I want to cry but I'm holding it in, doing my best to be strong like I know I should.

Mom and Dad sit next to me; Adam and Paige sit on the other side of Clare, next to Paige Clare's parents sit. Jake and Katie are behind my parents, Owen and Ashely next to them and Jenna and K.C. next to Owen and Ashley. More people are here, other family and friends, people from my work and Clare's. So many people and I know they're here but all I can look at is Ezra's headstone. I'm fighting this lump in my throat, this lump of tears, I keep swallowing it, pushing it back so I won't cry but it's not working the lump is getting bigger and harder to swallow.

"Welcome everyone," the pastor says and everyone quiets down, "the loss of any life is a sad occasion but when the life is so young it is truly a tragedy. Ezra Adam Torres was a bright star that extinguished far too quickly. In his short life he brought immense joy to his parents, grandparents, family and friends."

When he says this I breakdown, that lump of tears finally exploding and I don't hear anything else but the sounds of me and Clare crying. I don't move again until I feel a hand on my arm and look up at Owen.

"It's over," Owen says. How incredibly accurate those words seem, it's over Ezra is gone he's being buried in the ground. My son, my baby boy, the thing I was most proud of is over.

I nod and begin to stand; I'm shaking so much I use the chair for support. I've never felt so week, never been so shaky for so long in my life but when Ezra passed it took a part of me. A part I don't think I can ever get back. Owen and K.C. help Clare to stand and I look at Ezra's headstone one more time. Clare can't even bear to see it and in a very tiny weak voice asks them to take her to the car.

I feel like I should say something but I have no words and I simply can't say goodbye. I stand there a few seconds and then am barely able to whisper I love you before turning and walking to the car. The repast is at our place, Adam thought it would be best so that Clare and I could hide upstairs if we needed to or wanted to, I'm sure we will. When the limo parks we get out and stand at the door to greet people but we hardly last five minutes of receiving condolences from people before we can't take it any longer.

"I need to lie down," Clare speaks softly.

"Go rest, both of you we'll take care of things," Paige insists and I nod. I'd smile at her but I really don't think the muscles in my face even remember how to smile.

Putting my arm around my wife we make our way upstairs, we don't go into our room but straight to Ezra's room. There's a pile of stuffed animals and baby blankets on the floor where we sit and have cried ourselves to sleep. Clare sits down curling her knees to her chest and sobbing on them I sit next to her with my arm around her and crying again myself. Looking around the nursery that suddenly seems so much like a tomb. The sorrow inside of me starts to turn to anger and I get up clenching my fists and I punch the wall. My fist goes straight through the drywall and I punch again, and again.

"Drew stop," Clare says but I just keep punching. "Andrew stop," she asserts again but I can't, I can't stop. "ANDREW STOP LOOK AT YOUR HAND!" Clare screams through her tears leaping up and grabbing my hand which keeps me from punching through the wall again. "You're bleeding stop Drew please."

"Drew let me see your hand," Adam requests coming over but I'm still angry. Full of a burning anger that's set to explode and I push my brother away from me with a growl.

"ANDREW!" Clare yells in a scolding tone but I'm already running, down the stairs and out the back door I keep running. Full of anger and hatred and sorrow and mostly full of this terrible empty pain.

 **I can't decide if that was more emotionally jarring than the first chapter or not and we aren't done yet. The next emotional roller coaster will be next Tuesday picking up from right about here.**


	3. Pale Face and Hallowed Eyes

**So DeGrassi as a High school for supernatural beings and creatures won the story poll. Now you guys need to vote on what kind of supernatural/mythic beings all the main and secondary characters will be. This week you get to vote on what you'd like Owen, Jenna and Sean to be. All the character polls will be up for one week.**

 **Check the site for the winners in last week's poll Clare, Maya and Jay's characters have been decided. While you're at the site check out the calendars for June and July which have now been posted.**

 **Also September's one shot week one shots have been decided. Huge thank you to Christlove88, dragonsprit, tomfeltonlover1991, Red2012, Truebloodfan83, Jenne11, COCOACOLEMAN, ForeverAndAlways37 and AJackson16 for voting and please check the site for the winning one shots, as well as 2** **nd** **place shots that will be put into October and possibly November when I get to those calendars.**

 **Ch. 3 Pale Face and Hallowed Eyes**

 **(DREW)**

"DREW," Owen yells running after me but I keep running. Not really running anywhere in particular but I'm feeling so much and I'm going to explode again and I just want to run. "ANDREW STOP," Owen hollers again and he's closer this time. When I still don't stop he tackles me to the ground so I'm forced to stop. "Where the hell do you think you're running?"

"I don't know. Nowhere…everywhere…just running. I wasn't running to anywhere just running," I reply sitting up.

"And your hand? It looks like it could be broken," Owen remarks picking up my hand which suddenly hurts like hell.

"It's fine, my hand is fine, my hand is not the fucking problem. Ezra is gone and there's no reason for it, I lost my son for no reason what the hell do you want from me?" I seethe angrily although I'm really not angry at Owen at all.

"Nothing but your wife doesn't want you to hurt yourself, she needs you and you need her. Running away is not the answer," Owen tells me.

"Then what the fuck is the answer?! Do you have an answer for why Ezra died because no one else does and I'm fucking pissed off at the world for taking my son. I lost my world how in the hell do you go on when your world is gone? I don't know how to go on, I feel like exploding, I feel like I am exploding from the inside and I don't know what to do about it. I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be Clare's strength but I can't, I can't do this anymore," I say as my angry voice cracks with every ounce of agony and pain that I feel. "How could he die? He didn't even have a chance at life and now he's gone, how can he be gone just like that? I watched him die, I watched my son die and for every memory I have of Ezra I see the moment he was gone and I feel it all tearing me up inside. I don't know how to be strong through this. I don't know how to just accept that he's dead when no one can tell me why. Why were we given the gift of a son to have it stolen away? I'm trying to be strong for Clare and I don't know how to be strong for myself. I'm angry that he died, angry at everyone and everything and I'm hurting, I'm hurting because I feel like a piece of me is missing now and I'll never get it back." I bring my knees up and lay my arms on them putting my head down and I break down. Tears come pouring from my eyes, I'm sobbing so hard my breathing becomes labored and I can't see but I can't stop crying either. Owen puts an arm around my back and squeezes my shoulder.

"I know Buddy, I know. It isn't fair, what happened isn't fair to you or Clare and there is no reason. No one will ever be able to give you a reason that Ezra died that will make it okay or make you feel better. He shouldn't have died and you have every right to be totally fucking pissed off about it. You don't have to be strong, don't try to be strong if you feel like breaking down then do it. Clare doesn't need you to be to strong she just needs you to be there. Now what happened to your hand?"

"I was angry and I punched the wall a bunch of times I couldn't stop," I reply when I'm not crying so hard and I can actually answer. "I pushed Adam, I didn't mean to I'd never hurt my brother," I admit and start crying harder again.

"And Adam knows that, he knows you're hurting and you didn't mean it. Come on Adam is probably the most forgiving person I know. He's not going to hold a grudge because you pushed him in a fit of anger on the day you buried your son. Now come on let's get you back inside, Clare is in hysterics and you'll be lucky if that hand isn't broken," Owen tells me as he stands and pulls me with him.

We walk back to my house and go in through the back so I'm not walking through a living room full of people. We go upstairs and I hear Clare crying in Ezra's nursery, Owen takes me into the washroom in our master. He cleans my hand with alcohol and when I can make a fist without too much pain he wraps it in gauze and then tapes it up.

"If it becomes more swollen or you can't move it well or it's in a lot of pain you should go in and have it x-rayed. I'll go down and get some ice for it and let Clare know that you're back before she decides to send out a search party," Owen comments.

"No I need to go talk to her, and Adam too I think he's still with her," I reply.

Owen nods and he leaves, I take a second and a deep breath before walking to Ezra's nursery. Clare is huddled on the floor between Adam and Paige, my brother and Paige have their arms around Clare but they look up when they see me in the doorway.

"We'll go downstairs and get you some water," Paige tells Clare as they both stand and then Clare looks up at me. Before Adam and Paige can walk past me I stop my brother with a hand on his shoulder.

"Adam I'm sorry," I apologize feeling terrible for what I did and ready to break down again.

Adam gives me his warm smile and embraces me tightly, "I love you bro."

Adam and Paige go downstairs and I go over and sit by Clare. I bend my knees and rest my arms on them looking at the carpet on the floor between my legs, I can't bring myself to look into Clare's eyes right now. She moves slightly, curling her legs behind her where Paige was sitting before. Clare picks up my bandaged hand brushing her thumb over my fingers.

"Owen said he didn't think it was broken," I tell her and she puts her hand under mine interlacing our fingers and being careful of the bandage over my knuckles.

We sit like that a moment before Owen comes back in with an ice pack wrapped in a towel and a bottle of water. He doesn't say anything just hands them to us and quietly leaves the room. Clare takes her hand from underneath mine and takes the ice pack placing it on the bandage. She holds the ice pack there and puts her head on my shoulder, I turn my head and kiss her forehead lightly.

"What do we do now? I don't feel any closure, I don't feel better I just feel…"

"Angry," I finish my wife's sentence, "angry and empty and full of sadness and this indescribable pain."

"Yeah," she nods.

"I don't know Pretty Eyes, I don't know what we do now or how we move past this but we'll do it together. We have each other, and everyone downstairs," I say and she nods again.

"I miss him Drew, I miss him so much," she tells me before turning her head on my shoulder a little as she begins sobbing hard again.

"I know, me too," I reply and I turn a little so I can wrap my other arm around her. My head goes down on her shoulder, her head still on mine and we both cry on each other, wrapped in a shield of each other and unyielding unimaginable sorrow.

 **(ADAM)**

I use my key to go into Drew and Clare's place, it's dark downstairs and quiet. I know where I'll find them though, I'll find them upstairs in Ezra's nursery. His funeral was Saturday, yesterday Owen and Ashley stayed here. Jake and Katie, Clare's parents and my parents were also here most of the day but today is Monday and for most of the world life is moving on, we had to get back to work and our lives. We all miss Ezra of course, we're all sad that he is gone but we had to get back to our lives and begin to move on. Not so for Clare and Drew however. They barely left Ezra's nursery yesterday, didn't eat and they've been sleeping on the floor of Ezra's room since he died. The couple of times they have fallen asleep in their room and they're bed has been out of pure exhaustion. They are mired in the heartbreak and mourning of losing Ezra but it had only been a few days and I knew they needed time.

"I'll see what's left from the…from Saturday I might need to run out unless your Mom went shopping," Paige says as I turn on the lights for the living room.

"I'll go upstairs and check on them, I'm sure they haven't eaten all day but possibly slept. I hope they slept anyway," I comment.

I go upstairs and sure enough find Clare and Drew in Ezra's room, the door is still broken no one's even mentioned fixing it. Clare is asleep in the pile of stuffed animals and baby blankets that she's made a sort of nest out of. She's curled up and cradling Drew's old bear to her chest. The streaks of tears down her face seem to be eternal now; even asleep it looks like she's crying. My brother sits in the rocking chair, a photo album they had been putting together chronicling everything from the moment Clare found out she was pregnant to…well to a few days before Ezra passed, is open in his lap. Drew is staring at pictures of Ezra from a few days after he was born, he looks lost in the picture, caught up in a memory I guess but he looks up at me when I come in.

"She cried herself to sleep a couple of hours ago, I don't want to wake her," Drew says.

"We'll make dinner, and don't tell me you're not hungry because you both need to eat," I assert.

"We're not hungry but I know we need to eat. Don't wake Clare yet, let her sleep she didn't sleep at all last night she just cried," Drew whispers slowly getting out of the rocking chair.

It's been nearly a week since Ezra died, six days of them drowning in grief and I can see the toll it's taking on them, how the bereavement, woe and pain they're in is taking a physical toll on them. Drew gets up slowly, his movements almost painstaking as if he were 85 and not 25. He makes a noise as he moves like the movement itself was difficult. He looks back at Clare before going out the door and I follow him downstairs.

"There's leftover salad and a few other bits. Someone did go shopping though there's chicken, pasta and some vegetables. I can run out and get something else if you want, cook anything you like," Paige offers when we come downstairs.

"No chicken is fine I don't think either of us will eat very much. I'm going to shower if you don't mind, I think I need one," Drew comments.

"Yeah of course, go shower do whatever you need bro," I tell him.

Drew nods and turns to go upstairs but then stops and looks back at us, "Thanks for being here, both of you."

"Of course," Paige smiles. Drew tries to smile back, I see it, I see the corners of his mouth trying to curl up, struggling to make a smile even a little tiny one but he can't. When he goes upstairs I go into the kitchen and help Paige with dinner. Drew comes downstairs again just as dinner is finished and I tell Drew I'll go upstairs and wake up Clare.

"Clare wake up dinner," I say shaking her gently.

"I'm not hungry," she replies sitting up lethargically. Just like Drew her movements are slow and painstaking.

"I know you're not hungry but you need to eat, you need to keep up your strength," I assert taking her hand and getting her to stand.

"What's the point?" She questions still holding onto Drew's old bear and I practically have to pry the bear from her.

"The point is that you need to eat," I reply pulling her toward the stairs. "We're all eating together, I'm sure you haven't eaten all day and you need to eat something," I insist holding her hand while we walk downstairs.

I sit her at the table across from Drew and then Paige and I serve them before sitting down. They stare at their food, sip their water, poke at the vegetables and eat small bites. In losing a child they've become like children themselves, very old, very sad, nearly helpless children. I keep telling myself that they need time, it's only been a couple of days since Ezra's funeral and how do you even begin to process something like the loss of a child? I tell myself not to worry, not just yet anyway, they need time and it will be okay, or so I'm hoping.

"Clare you should take a nice long shower or a hot bath maybe, we'll clean everything up," Paige tells her when Clare's eaten just a little bit.

"Thanks I guess I could use a shower," she replies. Like Drew she also tries to smile but doesn't succeed. It breaks my heart to watch them, to see them so deeply pulled down by sorrow and mourning. I understand why they are but it still breaks my heart.

Clare goes upstairs and Drew follows her, I watch them slowly ascend the stairs and then Paige and I begin clearing the table. Paige starts putting away food and I begin washing dishes.

"We should come over after work all week. They're going to need us," Paige remarks as we clean up.

"Agreed, I'll call K.C. tomorrow have him and Jenna swing by in the morning or at lunch. I'm worried, I know it's only been a few days but I am worried about them. I think Clare's falling into a depression and Drew seems to waiver between anger and melancholy but they just need time, right?"

"Yeah time and support, we'll help them, all of us. The wounds left by Ezra's death will be slow to heal, they'll never really heal entirely but we'll be here as long as they need us," Paige responds and I nod.

We gather our stuff and I go upstairs to say goodbye, I hear Clare crying in the bath and find my brother asleep in the rocking chair in Ezra's nursery. He's got one of the baby blankets over him and the photo album is still open in his lap. I don't want to wake him and I can't disturb Clare in the bath so I leave a note on the doorframe to Ezra's room to call if they need us for anything. Then I go downstairs and I turn off the lights locking the front door and leaving my brother and best friend in dark of their house and hoping that they can make it through this.

 **(DREW)**

I can hear my cell phone ringing in the bedroom and it wakes me up but Clare sleeps right through it. That's pretty much all she's done is sleep, sleep and cry. It's been ten days since Ezra's death, the ten most terrible, miserable horrendously painful days I've ever had. Everyone keeps telling us it will get better, telling us we'll heal with time. I don't see how, it doesn't seem like there's enough time to make this better. I feel like I did the moment I watched Ezra die and Clare…my wife seems to slip deeper into darkness every day. I look at Clare sleeping, clinging to my old bear which has become a surrogate to Ezra for her. I get up and walk to the bedroom grabbing my cell phone and sitting on the bed, our bed which we really haven't slept in since the night we rushed Ezra to the ER.

"Hello?"

"Drew it's Alexia," says the voice on the other end of the line. Alexia is a secretary at the school I work at.

"Hi Alexia," I reply with a yawn. Being sad and in emotional torture makes you extremely tired.

"Hi, listen I'm calling because we need to know if we need the substitute for next week? You have a few days of sick leave left but we need to tell her if she's coming back next week," Alexia tells me.

I look at the clock, it's a little after two in the afternoon. I haven't been back to work since Ezra died, Clare hasn't either. No amount of time seems like enough to get past Ezra's death, even to accept it. I don't know how I'll feel returning to work and teaching other people's children. I really don't want to go back to work but I also don't want to continue in this dark hole that we're in. Besides one of us will have to return to work soon we have bills to pay and we can't keep going the way that we are.

"I…I don't know do you need an answer right away?"

"We need to let her know so I can give you until five if we don't hear from you by then we'll ask the substitute to come back," Alexia says.

"Okay thanks," I reply with a raspy tone. Clare and I haven't talked to much in the last ten days just a lot of crying.

"We're all thinking about you here Drew, give our best to Clare."

"Yeah I will," I reply and hang up.

Clare's boss put her on medical leave, after coming to the house and seeing Clare sobbing on the floor of Ezra's room. I was asleep but Paige, Jenna, Adam and Owen were here. That was three days ago which was also a week to the day Ezra died and that day was so hard to get through. The fact that time had kept going for an entire week after our son was taken from us seemed like a crime. Clare and I were barely functional that day, less than we had been previously. Thankfully our friends and my brother were here to keep us from completely going over the edge. I thought nothing would be as hard as the day Ezra died but I remember so little of that day, except for the moment that he died the rest day is just this blur. The week anniversary of Ezra's death was a whole other level of pain and sorrow for both of us. The fact that we made it through at least gave me the tiniest scrap of hope that we could keep going, keep living a life without Ezra in it but I'm not sure it gave Clare the same hope.

Clare's still sleeping and I don't want to wake her so I let her sleep. I don't feel hungry but I know I need to eat, well at least I'm assuming the headache I have is from lack of food and not from crying. I walk downstairs and grab some food sitting on the sofa. Paige has been in our kitchen more than we have recently, she cooks here almost every night and she's organized little snacks and meals for us. Things we can quickly grab and eat or heat in the microwave. I just sit there nibbling on nuts and staring at the framed picture of the three of us the day we brought Ezra home. It's in a heart shaped frame on the mantle; it's the centerpiece of the mantle surrounded by other pictures of me and Clare and our friends and family. I must sit there a couple of hours hardly moving, not thinking just staring at the picture because Adam lets himself in and he gets off work at four.

"The school called, wanted to know if I'd be back at work on Monday," I inform my brother before he's even closed the door again.

"What did you tell them?"

"I haven't yet, I don't know. Clare can't go back to work yet and we have bills to pay. I just don't know if I can go teach other kids, can I look at them and not think of what Ezra missed out on? What he'd be like at that age? I can't stay here and I don't know if I can return so what do I do?"

"Maybe it would be good for you to get back to work, back to life. If you're ready of course but I do think staying here and in Ezra's room all day is just keeping you both in the sorrow of it all. Clare can barely handle standing up but you usually do better when you're distracted. I can't tell you what to do though, only you know if you're ready. I'm sure the school will understand if you need more time. I know the rest of us will."

"No you're right I can't just stay here doing nothing it's just making things worse. I should at least try, there's only a couple months left in the school year and I really like the kids in my class. Maybe it will be okay, if it's not I'll start teaching adults at night school or something," I respond and Adam smiles.

"You call the school and I'll go check on Clare," Adam says.

I have to go back upstairs to get my cell phone and I call the school, I tell them I'll be in on Monday on a trial basis. Alexia says it's fine and they understand, tells me everyone looks forward to seeing me Monday before we hang up.

"I'm forcing Clare to eat something, you want anything?" Adam questions.

"No I'm okay I had some nuts," I tell him.

"Paige will be here in an hour or so and we'll make dinner anyway but Clare hasn't eaten since dinner last night. She's dehydrated too I'm going to make her drink some water," Adam says.

"She hasn't eaten since last night? Maybe I shouldn't go back to work, I can't even take care of my wife or myself how do I take care of a room full of five and six year olds?"

"You'll be great Drew, you're amazing with kids and your class loves you. Paige and I, plus Owen, Ashley, Jenna and K.C. will take care of you guys for a while. You should probably tell her you're going back to work though," Adam comments.

"No, no I can't go back to work I can't leave Clare. Fuck what was I thinking I can't leave Clare here alone all day. I'm going to call the school back a…"

"Drew," Adam says taking the phone from my hand, "we'll take care of it. All she does is sleep and cry anyway."

"Yeah you're right, I'll go talk to her," I nod getting up and we leave the room. I go into the nursery and Clare is standing up staring into Ezra's crib. "The school called they wanted to know if I was coming back to work on Monday and I told them I was."

"How can you go back to work like nothing happened?" She questions, her voice is very small and hoarse it also seems very distant, almost detached and then she looks at me. I've looked at my wife in the past several days, I've seen her, I've held her but this feels like maybe the first time I'm truly seeing her since we rushed to the hospital. She's pale, her eyes are hallowed, she looks like less than a shell of the woman she was just a couple of weeks ago. Ezra was the one that died but right now it looks like he took Clare's spirit with him. "How can you move on? Tell me Drew because I can't even bear to leave this room," she says.

"I'm not going back like nothing happened but one of us has to work. I don't want to go back Clare and I don't want to leave you. I miss him too, I sleep in this room too just to feel close to him but we can't keep going like this," I tell her in a tone that's pleading.

"Here Clare you need some protein and you need to drink this whole thing of water," Adam asserts giving her the water bottle and a little plate with cheese and nuts.

"I'll eat if you both go," she responds.

"Clare…" I start but she cuts me off.

"Please go I just want to eat alone," she asserts again and I sigh turning and going back to the master bedroom with my brother.

"She's angry at me for going back to work I think," I tell him.

"She's angry at the world Drew, she knows that you have to go back to work as much as you do," Adam assures me.

"I w…"

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Clare makes an ear piercing scream interrupting me, it's a scream of anger and pain and loss. For a second it's actually a glimmer of hope because I think she's getting it out, she's letting those feelings out and maybe just maybe beginning to climb out of her hole of depression. Only for a second however because then I hear deeply heavy sobs, crashing sounds and then _**THUD**_ the sound of dead weight hitting the floor followed by silence.

"CLARE?" I call but get only silence in return.

Adam and I leap up running for the nursery praying Clare's alright. I already lost my son I can't lose my wife too.

 **I know three cliffhangers in a row I'm just terrible. Update next week will pick up from right here.**


	4. My Heart is Sold to Meloncholia

**Winners for last week's poll are up on the DeGrassi Saviors website and new character polls are up. This week it's Adam, Alli and Paige. Be sure and get your votes in the poll will stay up for one week.**

 **Ch. 4 My Heart is Sold to Meloncholia**

 **(DREW)**

Adam and I run into the nursery and find chaos, shelves turned over, books and things tossed all over and in the middle of the chaos Clare lies motionless. We run to her and I turn her over thinking she hit her head or cut herself but I don't see any visible injuries.

"I think she just passed out, probably from that scream it took a lot of energy and she's barely eaten or slept at all," Adam says and I nod in agreement pulling Clare into my lap.

"Clare, Pretty Eyes wake up let me see those beautiful eyes I fell for," I insist shaking her gently.

She groans slightly and begins to move, her eyes flutter and she looks up at me. She holds hand to her head and closes her eyes again.

"I'm going to bring you something to eat, you're going to eat and then shower and then go to sleep in your bed," Adam asserts.

"No I'm not hungry and I already slept, I'm fine I'm not leaving this room. It was the scream, it made my head pound and I was throwing things because I was angry and I got dizzy and I passed out I just need a minute and maybe some water," Clare replies.

"No Clare you need food, you need a shower and you need to sleep in our bed Clare. You've slept in it only once since that night and that was because you fell asleep crying," I remind her.

"I'm not leaving this room and I'm not hungry, will you both go away? I told you I'm f…"

"But you aren't fine Clare, you lost your son and no one expects you to be fine. However you do need to eat, you need to relax in a shower and get some sleep in your own bed. You can't stay in this room forever, Ezra is not in this room Clare and staying in it every minute is not going to bring him back. Now you're going to eat and take a shower and sleep in your bed or I'm going to check you into the hospital so you can really get some rest and nutrition. You know I love you and I'm saying this because I love you but you look like hell and they would check you in immediately and keep you for several days. If you eat and shower and sleep in your bed then you can come back to Ezra's room again but you need to take a break Clare and you need some rest," Adam tells her in a firm voice.

Clare sighs and looks up at me, all I can do is look back down at her with pain and sorrow filled eyes. Clare closes her eyes and bites her lip before making a sigh.

"Okay," she gives in. Adam nods and stands up, he goes downstairs to make her food and Clare sits up a little puts her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I destroyed the room," Clare apologizes in a very meek voice.

"It's not destroyed there's just a little mess," I reply.

"I'm angry I'm so angry he's gone and the doctors just let him die," Clare says before sobbing again.

I just hold her close and stroke her hair; I know there's nothing I can say to make her feel better. I need to be strong for her; it's all I can do to be strong for her. Adam returns with a little plate of fruit, crackers and cheese.

"You should eat in the bedroom, we'll clean up in here," I say before he hands Clare the plate. Clare picks her head up and wipes her tears, takes a shuddering breath and moves so that she can stand up. She puts her hand on the floor to steady herself and I stand up. Clare starts to stand, she gets about half way up and then wobbles almost falling to the floor again but I catch her. Picking her up I carry her into our bedroom and set her on the bed. "Eat as much as you can, I know you don't feel hungry but your body needs it Clare," I assert but I'm also begging.

Clare takes the plate and a bite of apple and I kiss her cheek then Adam and I go back to the nursery. We clean up the mess, it's mostly just tossed books and toys and one toppled bookshelf. It doesn't take too long for us to clean it up and then I go back to the bedroom and check on Clare. She's eaten everything on the plate, now she's just looking at it and turning the plate around slowly. We've lost our son and now I think my wife is losing her mind. I'm not sure I'm that far behind her, or maybe I've already lost my mind and that's why I can go back to work.

"I'll start a shower for you," I speak softly and Clare looks up at me. She doesn't say anything or even move just looks at me. I walk to our washroom and turn on the shower, adjust the water then pull my wife up by the hand and into the washroom.

"It might not be a bad idea to check her into the hospital anyway," Adam comments when Clare closes the washroom door.

"No she doesn't need a hospital she just needs time, we lost our son and I can't even describe to you how much that hurts."

"I know Drew I'm not trying to diminish that but you see her she's barely surviving. She's not eating, she sleeps out of exhaustion she doesn't do anything unless one of us commands her to. She's drowning in her grief Drew maybe a doct…"

"NO no more doctors, Clare would never go to the hospital after what happened. She'll be okay, Clare is strong she just needs time okay. I know my wife she just needs time, I'm going back to work Monday maybe that will bring her back. I didn't want to go back to work until they called and her boss came by on the worst possible day she just needs time."

"Okay we'll give her the weekend, see what happens Monday maybe you going back to work will motivate her even a little," Adam says and I nod. "I'll go downstairs see what you guys need for food, do a little clean up you should probably go in and check on her."

"Thanks Adam, I don't know how we could have gotten through this without you and Paige and the others. Things like eating, cleaning, shopping they just all seem so…meaningless now."

"If it were any of us you and Clare would be doing the same, it's what families do. Get in there though I can hear her crying over the water," Adam tells me and now I hear it too.

I turn and open the washroom door again, through the fogged glass of the shower door I see Clare sitting on the bottom of the tub. Her arms wrapped around her legs and her head down on her knees as she sobs. I slide the door back a little and try to pull her up but she pushes me away.

"Clare you need to shower the water's going to turn cold soon," I say in a calm voice.

"I'm not crazy," she replies.

"No one said you were crazy."

"Adam wants me to check into the hospital."

"No Adam's just worried th…"

"That what? I'm not over the death of my child? Tell me Drew just what is a sufficient amount of time to get over something like that because ten days is not enough."

"No one expects you to be over it Clare we just don't want to lose you to it. Ezra's death was devastating to me too, I'm not over it yet but if we keep going like this we'll end up killing ourselves or being so held back by our depression that we can't do anything else. I lost my son and now I'm watching my wife be defeated by her depression."

"Well I don't know what you want me to do, one minute you say I don't need to be over it yet and the next you're telling me I can't be like this anymore."

"You can still be sad about Ezra but you need to function Clare, go to work a…"

"I'm not ready."

"I didn't mean today or Monday even but you can't be like this anymore."

"I don't know how you can go back Drew; I don't know how you can be over it all so soon. A week ago you nearly broke your hand punching the wall out of anger for losing Ezra and now you're ready to go back to work, back to life? I don't understand how people can move on like nothing happened."

"We're not Clare, I don't want to go back to work, no one is moving on with their life like nothing happened. If I don't go back to work we're going to be evicted and you can barely leave Ezra's room if we got evicted and couldn't go back in that room you'd really snap."

"But how can you be so okay with it? How can you just decide just like that to go back to work?"

"I'm not just okay with it Clare, I don't want to go back but it will keep me busy, maybe it will help, maybe it will make it worse I don't know but at least I'm trying."

"You think I'm not trying? I carried Ezra in me, I felt him, I breast fed him and I watched him get sick and I held him when he had a fever, now he's just gone. I'm trying, I try every day but my child is gone and the only other person in the world that felt my pain and hurt as much as I did is suddenly better and able to go to work."

"I'm not suddenly b…"

"Just go Drew," Clare cuts me off.

"Clare…"

"Just go please, I'll wash my hair and sleep in the bed like I said but I want to be alone," Clare insists.

I don't want to fight with her anymore so I leave the room, when I go downstairs I see a note from Adam that he'll be back in a couple of hours with Paige and they'll make dinner. Despite having slept all afternoon I feel exhausted again, like I haven't slept in days and I go upstairs again. I don't even think about going in the room and getting in the bed I go into the nursery automatically, lie down in the nest of stuffed animals and baby blankets and fall asleep there. I sleep for a couple of hours waking up when I hear Adam and Paige coming in the front door. I get up and stretch, my muscles ache, my back is stiff, I feel heavy. I've felt heavy ever since we rushed to the hospital that night, I think it's the sadness and maybe some guilt, weighing down on me. I feel it all around me, all through the house, this cloud of sadness and depression, this fog of loss and pain and I don't know that it will ever leave. I wonder though if it's in the house or around me and Clare.

I can still smell Ezra in this room but it gets fainter every day. I don't want that smell to leave, it's a piece of Ezra, one of the few pieces we have left and I don't want it to go. I pause in the doorway looking back at the room, for a brief second a memory flashes in my mind. A memory so fresh and vivid I see it before my eyes as if it were happening right now. Clare picks Ezra up from his changing table, holding him to her chest with one hand and his little head looks over her shoulder. He sees me coming in just home from work and my son's eyes lock with mine and then he smiles at me. As fast as it came the memory fades, just a ghost of a happier time. I lean my head against the door frame a second, closing my eyes ordering myself to hold it together, not just break down because one of us needs to be semi-functional and it sure as hell isn't going to be Clare. I peek into the bedroom for a second and see that she's still sleeping, she looks rather peaceful, it is probably the most peaceful sleep she's had in a long time so I shut the door and leave her to sleep.

"Dinner will be ready in a minute," Paige tells me when I come downstairs.

"Thanks, Clare is sleeping we should let her sleep."

"Adam said you were going back to work that's good," Paige comments.

"Yeah," I nod as I sit at the table, "yeah I hope so."

 **(CLARE)**

I hear the front door close and I know Drew has gone to work, I don't know how he can go today. It's Monday it's only been ten days since we lost Ezra and yet Drew went back to work today like it was any other day. I still don't know how he can stand to go, I couldn't be teaching other people's children all day without thinking of Ezra. I can't even look at other people's kids, not that I've been out of the house much to see other people or their children.

I get up from the floor and sit in the rocking chair, I look at the room and slowly start rocking. There are times when I can still feel him in my arms. So often as I'm in this room and in that half-dream state just between asleep awake I can feel Ezra in my arms, feel his heart beating against my chest, and inhale his new baby smell into my lungs. Then my eyes open and I see blue walls and a crib, I can still smell him faintly but I know he's gone and the whole world seems dark and cruel.

That's what I feel now, rocking gently in the chair and staring at this room. A room full of baby things never used or hardly used. A dresser full of baby clothes he never wore, a book of baby's firsts that will never be filled. Despite the sun coming through the curtains and the cheery sky blue paint on the walls this room seems eternally dark now. Clouded by sadness and agony over losing the someone I loved more than anyone. In the back of my mind in the very deepest part of me I know it's mostly my doing, I've made the room dark and filled it with melancholy. I know I'm trapped by the loss of Ezra, I do know it but I don't seem to care.

All I can think about is Ezra, what memories I have of him run over my mind and make me sad, remembering him makes me miss him all the more and even more sad. I see him everywhere in this house and it hurts but I can't bear to leave it. I want my son again, I want to hold him, to rock him and feed him. I want to be with my son but I know I can't and that hurts more than anything, it's a pain that's so bad is crippling.

"Clare," Adam's voice says from the doroway and I look over to him. "It's lunch time I'll make you something," Adam tells me and I nod. I'm not hungry but I know if I tell him that he'll argue with me, beg me to eat and I'll give in. Anyway when I do eat I usually feel hungry once I start. "Here you need to eat, as much as you can," Adam says handing me the plate. I start nibbling at the food and Adam watches me for a minute. "Clare I think maybe you should talk to someone."

"I'm not crazy Adam."

"That's not what I meant, like a grief counselor someone that can help you deal with the grief."

"I'm not going to a therapist, what good would that possibly do? They'll tell me to get on with my life, tell me that Ezra is gone and there's nothing I can do about it. They'll tell me to move on but I don't want to move on, I don't want to forget him Adam."

"We don't want you to forget him either, no one will forget Ezra, moving on does not mean forgetting. I'm worried about you, we all are Clare, we don't expect you to suddenly be happy if my child died the devastation would be overwhelming. But it's not just overwhelming it's destroying you Clare it's slowly killing you. If you can't go back to work yet that's okay, if you can't leave the house yet that's okay but do something Clare, something besides sitting in this room and staring at the walls and lost in your memories. Maybe you could write, not for work, not if you're not ready but something about Ezra or for Ezra, something that will help you move through this. You don't have to put it behind you, you don't have to move on and forget but at least do something Clare. Please or we're going to lose you too."

I set my slice of apple down and look at the plate, biting my lip and listening to what Adam said. I know this is bad for me, I know I can't stay like this and yet the thought of doing…anything really seems so laborious. Just opening my eyes in the morning, just living without my son seems impossible. How can there be life when Ezra is dead?

"I'll think about it, you can go back to work I'll be okay," I assure Adam.

"Are you sure? I can stay they can get someone to cover for me," Adam offers.

"No you need to work; I just want to be here. I just can't leave yet, I want to be here. Ezra is here, I know he's not actually here but I feel closer to him when I'm in here, we spent so much time in this room, rocking him in this chair, I can pretend like he's still here, I can smell him a…you think I'm crazy don't you?"

"No Clare I don't think you're crazy, you're hurting you lost your son and you want to be close to him. I think for someone that suffered a loss like yours it's normal. Call me at the station or call Paige if you need anything. Jenna will swing by in a couple hours and then Drew should be home around four. Paige and I will bring dinner at five but we'll be here before then if you need us."

"I'm okay go to work I'll finish eating."

Adam hugs me and leaves the room and a moment later I hear him leaving the house. I eat the rest of the food, slowly nibbling on it until it's gone. At first I think about what Adam said but I know I don't want to talk to someone. Then I think about writing, writing always did help me and maybe it would help me again and yet even thinking about what to write or how to start is too painful a thought. And then I start to become angry, extremely angry, at everything, at nothing just angry. My fists clench, I dig my nails into my palm I feel like screaming or breaking something and just as I take in a breath to scream I hear Jenna calling me and I let out a breath.

"Clare, it's me I used the spare key," she calls and a moment later appears in the doorway.

"What time is it?" I ask her.

"A little after two," she tells me.

"Oh," I reply and Jenna takes the empty plate from my lap.

"Do you need anything?"

"No," I shake my head.

"Okay I'll head back to work then I guess, Drew will be home soon right?"

"Yeah," I nod.

Jenna looks like she's searching for something to say and then she hugs me with a sympathetic look before leaving. When she's gone I go back to slowly rocking in the chair.

 **(DREW)**

"You're actually going?"

"I'm not fighting about this again Clare, we've been fighting about it all weekend. I have to go to work, I have to at least try because if I can't teach kindergarten I have to find another job. I told them it was a trial basis, I told them I might not be able to do it. I'll be back by four and Adam will swing by probably Jenna too," I tell Clare as I stand in the doorway to Ezra's room dressed for my first day back at work.

"I don't need to be checked on," she replies.

"Well someone needs to make sure you're eating, moving, doing anything."

"Just go to work, go be with kids that aren't yours. Leave me to mourn for our son alone."

"Clare that isn't fair."

"Fair?! What the hell in this world is fair anymore Drew? Our son was taken from us for no reason at all. There is no such thing as fair, get out just leave me," Clare demands still laying on the floor in the nest of stuffed animals and baby blankets. She turns away from me and I turn around with a sigh.

I go downstairs, grab my bag and get in the car driving to the school. It feels like a million years since I've been here. Last time I was here I was so happy, last time I was here I was a father and my wife wasn't steeped in sorrow and despair and slowly going mad. I park my car and walk through the school, a few teachers are in here and when they see me they just sort of freeze and give me a sympathetic look or smile.

"Drew we're glad you're here how are you?" Alexia asks giving me a tight hug.

"I'm…I don't really know actually," I reply.

"Well the subs notes are on your desk," she tells me and I nod.

I go to my classroom and look around, the room is brightly painted, the kid's artwork and assignments are up on the walls. An alphabet banner over the blackboard and other posters are on the walls, pictures of me and the kids throughout the year and the only thing I can think about is what Ezra would be like at this age. I can almost picture him; almost see him at five years old going to his first day of school, I can almost see it but then it fades. I feel this overwhelming wave of grief and I put my elbows on the desk letting my head fall to my hands. I start to cry, weep over all the time Ezra never had, all the things he'll never do. When I hear the kids in the playground I force myself to stop, I know the kids will be in soon.

I read the subs notes and figure out what I'm going to teach today. When the kids come in most of them hug me and welcome me back. The kindergartners start later and get out earlier than the other grades because they can only be good for so long before they get restless. It's worst in the winter and when there's storms because they can't go outside to play.

I make it through the day but it isn't easy, I keep closing my eyes, pausing mid-sentence and forgetting what I'm teaching when I think about Ezra. More than once one of the kids had to call my name to get my attention but I make it through. All the kids leave and then I'm there for about an hour prepping for tomorrow before I go home.

"Clare I'm home," I call into the house but get no answer, not that I was expecting one. I know where she'll be and I walk upstairs, indeed finding her in Ezra's room but she's moved to the rocking chair. She's asleep with his baby book in her lap; I go over kneeling in front of her and taking her hands. "Clare wake up."

"Well you made it through work I guess," she comments.

"Yes but not easily, I thought about Ezra all day and it was paralyzing, it was really hard to be around the kids and not think about Ezra. There's only six weeks left though I think I can get through it. I have to try, it was good to get out I think, hard as it was it helped in a way. Did you eat?"

"Adam was here he made me lunch," she replies.

"They'll be back to make us dinner I think."

"Adam said he would be."

"I'm going to shower are you going to be okay?" I ask and she nods.

I leave her in the nursery and go into the bedroom and our washroom. I start the shower and get in; I start washing and then get washed over by another wave of sadness. Leaning a hand on the shower wall I put my head down, crying hard, my tears washed away by the water. I wonder if this pain and sorrow will ever stop, I was able to function today, well relatively function but it occurs to me that I didn't eat anything all day. At least I was able to put on a mask of keeping it together, function enough that I could teach and keep myself from breaking down around my class. It was a huge feat considering the last ten days but the pain and grief and misery have not lessened at all.

I get out of the shower and dry off, changing into a t-shirt and sweats I go back to nursery and Clare sits there rocking in the chair and staring at the baby book. I take a few steps in and she looks over at me, she's crying again I take her hands. She closes the baby book and sinks down into my lap, I hold her close and we cry together. I hear Adam and Paige come in but we can't move just huddle there and cry. I hear one of them come up and look into the room but they leave after a few seconds. We stay like that a while before Adam comes up and tells us that dinner is ready.

"We need to eat," I tell Clare wiping some tears from her face. She doesn't say anything but I get her downstairs and she sits at the table. In spite of not eating all day I barely eat anything but at least Clare eats a fair amount of food. I tell Adam and Paige about work and they both tell me it was good that I went. "Thanks for dinner again, you guys don't have to keep doing this," I tell my brother when dinner is done.

"Don't be silly we're happy to, I'd be cooking for us at home anyway. Besides we feel better checking on you," Paige replies.

"We do appreciate it, you know we wouldn't eat if you guys didn't come," Clare says.

"Did you think about what I said earlier?" Adam asks Clare.

"I'm going to lie down," is her reply, "thanks for dinner it was great."

"We'll clean up you go with her," Adam says to me. I thank them for dinner and follow my wife upstairs.

"What did you and Adam talk about?" I question Clare as she sits in the rocking chair again.

"He thinks I should write again, not for work that I should write about Ezra's death."

"You don't think it would be good for you? Therapeutic?"

"I think I don't want to think about his death. I don't want to remember him that way. I don't want to think about the fact that he died for no reason and I sure as hell don't want to write about it. I want someone to tell me why he died. I want my son back. I want the world to make sense again. I want to know why the doctors didn't do anything; I want to know why they kept telling us he had a cold or the flu and sending us home. I want to know why no one did fucking anything and let our son die! There must have been something; they didn't even know why he was sick. They let him die, they just let him die. I told you we should have gone to more hospitals, I told you it was serious that we needed a specialist. You let him die!"

"Excuse me?!"

"Get out, just get out, leave me alone," Clare hisses and then curls up with her knees on the chair and begins crying.

I leave the room going to our bedroom, trying to tell myself she didn't mean it but I think she did. She's actually blaming me, at least partially, for Ezra's death. I can hear her sobbing in the next room and I can't take the sound of it right now. I grab my keys and my wallet and run downstairs.

"Drew where are you going?" Adam calls to me.

"I need to get out; I'm going for a drive. If Clare even cares tell her not to wait up."

 **The next update will pick up from around here. Unfortunately the next update isn't until Tuesday July 21** **st** **. June 1** **st** **begins short story month and then there are 8 days of Clowen shots and then I have a friend visiting. For the full May-July calendars check the DeGrassi Saviors website and my page.**


	5. Running Out & Running From Problems

**Welcome back my fellow people that are crazy for Clew. I'm sure it's been a terrible two weeks wondering where Drew went and what he's up to. But we're back tonight no more waiting.**

 **Ch. 5 Running Out & Running From Problems**

 **(DREW)**

She blames me! My wife is blaming me for our son's death! How can she? I love Ezra as much as she does. I miss him as much as she does and was just as devastated when he died. How could she say that? How could she even think it?

I'm driving angry, very angry and I'm driving as far away from Clare as I can get. The longer I drive the more I calm down and the farther I get from Clare. I'm almost out of gas and I'm in the middle of nowhere so I pull into the next place I can, which happens to be a roadside bar. It looks like a dive partially filled by bikers and totally filled with people who want to drink themselves silly. In other words it looks like the perfect place for me to be right now.

I turn off the car and go in, the bar is dim and dirty, the guy tending bar looks somewhere between an old biker and a Grateful Dead reject. The bar is full but there's a few booths in the back, I pick the darkest booth and sit down. A waitress comes over, late forties, looks like she's been smoking since she was ten, pear shaped and a bit overweight yet she's still wearing a tight leather skirt and a tank top. This outfit is not sexy on her and just makes her look older, it shows off more than you want to see but she seems to think it's hot.

"What can I get you Hun?" She asks and her voice is heavily graveled she's definitely been a smoker for a long time.

"A beer," I tell her and she nods turning around, "and a scotch on the rocks," I say and she turns around to face me again, smiles at me and turns again before walking to the bar.

The waitress returns with my beer and scotch, I swallow down the scotch in one gulp and before it even hits me I start on the beer. After the first beer I order another and a different woman brings it, a younger one she looks maybe 20 or 21. She's thin and blonde and pretty much the opposite of Clare, actually she reminds me a little of Becky. I don't think she's a waitress however.

"You look very sad, and you are very hot, much too hot to be sitting alone in a dark booth," she says pushing my beer toward me. While she looks a lot like Becky, with lighter blonde hair anyway, the outfit she's wearing is something Becky would never wear. A leather halter top that barely covers her breasts and a red denim miniskirt and spiked vinyl knee high boots. "I'm Andrea by the way," she tells me as I start sipping the beer and she decides to sit down with me.

"Drew," I reply between sips of beer.

"Drew? Just Drew or is that short for something?" She inquires moving a little closer to me in the booth.

"It's short for Andrew but I never liked going by that," I reply finishing my beer and motioning to the waitress for another.

"Andrew, Andrea," she giggles and I roll my eyes, "sounds like it was meant to be."

"I'm married," I point out showing her my wedding ring.

"So," she says inching closer to me as the waitress brings me another beer and takes my empty glass, "your wife isn't here. You're sitting alone in a dark booth at a bar in the middle of nowhere."

I start sipping my beer and she puts her arm around my shoulders. I don't shrug it off; I don't move I just leave it there. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't, I'm not even attracted to Andrea. My younger self would have been, the younger me that went for girls like Alli because they dressed sexy and I had no taste. Now I find it distasteful and it usually shows too much of an ego or very little confidence in your social skills, because if your clothes are showing off most of your body you don't need to do much talking. Despite not being attracted to this woman, not knowing her and being married and in love with Clare I find something comforting in her touch. There's an odd sort of solace in it and I'm not sure what or why I feel it. Her arm is just draped lightly over my shoulders, her skin is all touching my t-shirt and not my skin but I enjoy her touch.

Then I realize it's not just her touch that I like I'm enjoying the attention. She's not telling me how sorry she is that Ezra died, she's not telling me how it's okay to cry and grieve and at the same time telling me that I need to start to move on and get back to life. She's not looking at me with a mix of pity and sorrow, she's not yelling at me, pushing me away or crying and she's not blaming me. She knows nothing about me, nothing about why I'm here, why I'm sad, nothing about my past. She's just a girl in a bar and she's hitting on me because she finds me attractive even though I look sad and angry.

"She's at home," I simply say.

"Let me guess," Andrea comments dragging a finger down my chest over my shirt, "you had a fight. She got angry about something and kicked you out rather than talking."

"Yeah pretty much," I nod finishing the beer and waving to the waitress for another.

"She doesn't understand you, she doesn't like something you did or said and you can't talk to her. Or more likely she won't talk to you so you left angry," Andrea comments moving again so that she's right next to me. She's been right so far and I simply nod while chugging down my fifth beer and setting the empty glass on the table.

"Another?" The waitress asks.

"A shot of whiskey, actually leave the bottle," I reply getting out my credit card and setting it on the table. The waitress takes my credit card and goes to the bar.

"I bet your wife hasn't paid any attention to you in months, I bet you haven't had sex in long time and she neglects you," Andrea comments tracing her finger over my jawline and I find I'm getting a little turned on.

I don't respond and I don't push her away. The part of me that knows this is wrong; the part of me that knows that this is a bad idea, the part that is telling me to run and not ruin my marriage is getting smaller by the minute. The waitress bring the bottle and I start drinking it, she returns with my credit card and slip as well and I sign it unsure of what the total is. I'm just chugging the bottle, hardly coming up for air while Andrea keeps talking and keeps touching me. She caresses my arms, the back of my neck, her nails scratch the back of my head, she pulls up my shirt and her fingertips brush my stomach then she goes under my the waistband of my sweats and boxers and a breath catches in my throat as a bulge in my pants begins to grow.

"I think we should get out of here there's a motel not far from here," Andrea whispers in my ear.

I grab the half empty bottle as Andrea tugs at me to get me to stand up. I'm vaguely aware of leaving the bar but the next thing I remember is waking up very early the next morning. My eyes open and my head is pounding so they close again. When they open again I see an unfamiliar ceiling and a small TV. I realize I'm in a motel room that I don't remember coming to, if that's not jarring enough I hear breathing and it's not mine. Looking to my side I see Andrea, her I do remember but she seems to be naked, I suddenly realize I'm also naked and now I'm filled with regret and guilt. What in the hell did I do last night? Andrea seems to be sleeping heavily and I get out of bed slowly and carefully. I grab my clothes and see hers strewn about, dressing as quickly and quietly as I can I make sure my wallet is in my pants and leave the room. I look for the bar I was at last night and see it down the street with my car still parked at it. I want to run to it but I feel like vomiting. After a slow walk I reach my car and open the door since I left my phone at home it takes a while and the use of a map to find the way home, and stopping three times to pull over and vomit and once to get gas. I reach home a little after seven and my brother's car is still here which means he and Paige spent the night. I have to be at work in about an hour and I feel like crap. I open the front door quietly and hope no one is downstairs but find Adam and Paige making breakfast.

"Where in the hell have you been?" Adam questions.

"I went driving," I reply.

"And drinking it looks like," Paige says.

"Yeah and I feel like crap but I need to get to work," I tell them.

"Drew what…" my brother begins but I cut him off.

"Not now Adam," I snap at him and run upstairs.

Clare is of course asleep in the nursery in the nest of animals. The door is still broken and I wonder if we're ever going to fix it. I let her sleep I'm sure Adam and Paige will let her know I got home just fine. I change into jeans and a nicer shirt, better shoes and clean up a little before driving to school, stopping for coffee on the way. I forgot how loud five and six year olds could be, yelling and screaming, whining and fighting. I choose quiet activities for the day, art projects, nap time, story time when I can finally see clear enough to read. I feel terrible but at least I'm not feeling the loss of Ezra all day I'm just feeling really awful and for so many reasons. I manage to make it through the day and then tell Alexia I'm not feeling well and go straight home. I go upstairs expecting to find Clare in the nursery but she isn't there, she isn't in our room or the washroom, she doesn't seem to be home at all. When I go out to the garage and find her car gone I know she's gone. I'm sure I should be happy that she actually went out of the house but I just have a bad feeling, maybe it's because of whatever I did last night but I still have a very bad feeling. I get out my phone and call my brother.

"Hey still feeling that hangover?" Adam inquires.

"Yes but that's not why I called, is Clare with you?"

"No, you mean she isn't home? Isn't that good?"

"I'm not sure, I'm kind of worried."

"Have you tried calling her?"

"Honestly I'm afraid she's going to yell at me again."

"Dude what the hell happened last night?"

"I'm not entirely sure I don't really remember anything after drinking the half bottle of whiskey."

 **(CLARE)**

I wake up crying, sobbing hard and heavy so that it's difficult to breathe. I sit up and curl my legs to my chest trying to breathe. I don't even know why I'm crying, other than the obvious loss of my son. I only cry for a few minutes before Adam and Paige come in. They don't say anything simply sit on either side of me and put their arms around me.

"I don't even know why I was crying," I apologize wiping the tears away.

"It's okay you have plenty of reason to be sad," Paige says in a comforting voice and then is silent a minute before speaking again. "Drew made it home safe but he left for work after changing," she informs me and I nod.

"We can stay if you want," Adam offers.

"No you guys need to get to work, I feel a little lightheaded though," I tell them.

"We'll get you something to eat and some water, call us if you need anything," Adam insists.

"Or Owen, Ash, Jenna and K.C. just call one of us if you need something," Paige asserts.

"I will," I assure them.

Adam and Paige go downstairs to make me something to eat. Adam returns first with a glass of water and I drink the whole thing. Paige comes up a few minutes later with oatmeal. I thank them and hug them goodbye before they leave and then start slowly eating my oatmeal. When I'm done I stand to take the bowl downstairs and realize just how sore I am, my muscles ache probably from sleeping on the floor in a pile of stuffed animals for many days. After groaning as I walk upstairs I go into our washroom and turn the water for the bath. I start to undress and notice Drew's discarded pants on the floor with a couple pieces of paper half protruding from the pocket. I pick his pants up to toss them in the laundry basket and take the papers out first. One seems to be a receipt and the other a napkin, I almost toss them in the trash but curiosity overcomes me and I look at them. At first I'm horrified that the receipt is from a bar where Drew managed to run up a $175 dollar tab, most of which was on a bottle of whiskey. Then I find the napkin has the name Andrea written on it and a phone number. I feel my stomach drop, my heart twist, I want to throw up. Did he sleep with this woman? Hit on her? Both options are terrifying and make me feel ill.

I undress and get in the hot bath; the hot water is relaxing but not relaxing enough. At first I cry and then I'm angry, very angry. I get out of the bath after a short time and drain the water, go to the closet and get dressed. I pull on some jeans and a t-shirt and get ready to go out. I haven't done this for over a week, the last time I got fully dressed and actually did my hair and everything to leave the house was for Ezra's funeral. I slip on some flats, grab my purse and phone then leave the house. The last time I drove my car was at least two weeks ago and my radio is still playing a children's music CD we got for Ezra. I scream when I hear it and eject the CD toss it out the window. I don't really go anywhere just spend a few hours driving around, wandering aimlessly through the streets and when I need to stop for gas I decide to go home. Drew is home even though it's just after three, I park in the garage and go in, Drew is the only one here, he's sitting on the sofa but hops up when I come in.

"I tried calling you," Drew says but it looked like he was going to say something else.

"I wasn't ready to talk to you," I reply putting my purse down. "Who the hell is Andrea and how could you spend nearly two hundred dollars at a bar?!"

"Well after you accused me of letting our only child die I was a little pissed off and I went driving. I found a bar and started drinking just to forget that I watched my son die. To forget that my wife who can barely drag herself up from our dead son's room and has become like a child herself blames me for our son's death!"

"So we have a fight in this time of emotional chaos and you go out and have an affair?"

"I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER," Drew yells and then looks down, "I don't think."

"YOU DON'T THINK?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T THINK! DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER OR NOT?"

"I don't know Clare I drank myself into a stupor on purpose to forget everything that was happening and I woke up in a motel bed, I don't remember checking into. How do you even know about Andrea?"

"Her name and number were on a napkin with your bar receipt. I'm assuming she was at the bar or did you pick her up off the street on the way to the motel?"

"If I'd picked up a hooker she wouldn't have left me phone number," Drew argues.

"But picking up some slut in a bar is just fine?"

"I didn't hit on her she came and sat down at my booth," he tries to defend himself.

"And you didn't think get away I'm married was a good response?"

"I told her I was married," Drew replies.

"But she still gave you her number and you kept it?"

"I didn't even know she left me her number but after fighting with you and hearing you tell me it was my fault, even partially that Ezra died was a little too much to take. Knowing that the wife I have to come home to is angry at me, is blaming me, is so deep in her depression that she can hardly do anything and has become like an infant herself is really not something I look forward to. So quite honestly Clare getting attention from a younger woman in provocative clothing, but not so attractive, felt nice. It felt good to be talking to someone over the age of six and not have them look at me with pity or tell me how sorry they are. I liked the attention, I liked not feeling depressed or sorry for myself or worried out of my mind that you're just sinking farther and farther into depression. I sat there and drank while she complimented me and yes hit on me but I didn't say anything back. When I woke up early the next morning I was in a hotel room and Andrea was next to me asleep. I was totally out Clare I swear to you I don't remember what happened. I wo…"

"GET OUT!" I scream at him.

"Excuse me?"

"Get out Drew I can't even look at you right now," I assert again.

"I'm not leaving our house. I didn't do anything, I don't think. I wouldn't do anything like that if I was thinking clearly and I'm not even sure I did," Drew tries to argue. I scream a little from the back of my throat and grab my purse turning around and heading for the garage door. "Where are you going?" Drew asks running over and grabbing my arm.

I don't reply, I'm too angry to reply and I react purely on enraged instinct. I swing my purse up with all the strength I have whacking Drew in the face with it and it makes a loud sound. It stuns him and he falls back letting me go. I run out and jump back into my car driving away.

 **(DREW)**

I hear Clare leaving but I'm too dazed to run after her. I'm feeling pretty dizzy actually. Dizzy, angry, hurt, scared, ashamed pretty much every bad emotion you can think of. I know I shouldn't be alone right now, I almost call Adam but he's also Clare's best friend and he's just going to yell a lot. I decide it's better to call someone who will yell less.

"Hey Drew what do you guys need? Should I bring dinner?" Owen asks when he answers his cell.

"No I'm not hungry can you come over? Just you not Ash," I request.

"Uh sure be there soon. Should I call Adam? Have him hang out until I can get there?"

"No I love my brother but I don't think he'll do me much good right now. I'll call K.C. he'll get here first. Could you maybe call Clare though? Pretty sure she won't answer if I call," I plead.

"Ah, what did you do?"

"I'll tell you when you get here," I respond and hang up. I'm actually feeling worse now so I lie on the sofa and send K.C. a text.

 **Drew: I need you to come over. Now please and alone.**

 **K.C.: Be right over.**

I'm sure K.C. will have questions when he gets here but at least he didn't ask any in text. I lie on the sofa for a minute and almost get up to get some ice when I hear the doorbell. I'm assuming it's K.C. and I know yelling will be a bad idea so I text him telling him to use the spare key and come in. A minute later the door opens.

"Holy fuck what the hell happened to you?" K.C. inquires when he sees me and goes to the kitchen for an ice pack, he wraps it in a kitchen towel and then brings it to me sticking it on the side of my face.

"Clare," I respond.

"Clare beat you up?"

"Yeah, I feel kind of ill there's a bottle of meds in the upstairs washroom with my name on them can you grab them?" I question.

"Yeah no problem and then you can tell me why Clare beat you up," K.C. says and runs upstairs. He returns a minute later with the pills and gives me a glass of water. "You really don't look well should we take you to the hospital?"

"No I'll be okay, if I start to black out or something I'll tell you to take me to the hospital," I assure him.

"Okay," K.C. says slowly, "you have had concussions before."

"Yes and I know the signs, don't worry I called Owen you'll have backup."

"Great so how did Clare beat you up and why?"

"Wait for Owen I'm not repeating this twice," I reply drinking the rest of my water and K.C. gets me another glass.

"So where exactly is Clare?"

"I have no idea; you can call her I'm pretty sure she won't pick up if I call."

K.C. gets out his phone and tries to call her, "She turned off her phone."

"Great," I sigh as a flurry of terrible thoughts about where Clare is and what she's doing run through my mind. We sit for a short time in silence before Owen knocks and K.C. lets him in.

"Fuck what the hell happened?" Owen questions when he sees me.

"Clare beat him up," K.C. replies.

"Okay what happened? I tried calling Clare but her phone was off," Owen tells us.

"Well I went back to work yesterday and Clare was upset about it. We got into a fight about that and some other things. She was yelling about the doctors letting Ezra die and then she was blaming me. Said Ezra dying was my fault before telling me to get out. I was angry and hurt I grabbed my keys and ran out. I drove for a long time and found this out of the way bar. I sat in a dark booth in the back and started drinking. This girl came and sat with me, young skinny blonde that sort of looked like Becky. She wasn't very attractive but she was paying attention to me and I liked it. I didn't spur it on, I even told her I was married but I didn't exactly kick her out of the booth. I liked the attention, after everything it felt good, it was nice not to think about Ezra, not to have her look at me like I'm somehow broken, not look at me like I'm something to be pitied. I got really drunk and the next thing I know I'm waking up in a motel bed next to the girl."

"Oh for fuck sake Drew tell me you didn't," Owen says.

"I don't know, I don't remember anything at all. I woke up undressed in the bed but I don't remember doing anything. I would never intentionally cheat on Clare I love her more than anything."

"Does she know that?" K.C. asks.

"Yeah of course she does," I reply.

"Are you sure because you two have been through a lot in the last couple of weeks. Even before that Ezra was sick and when he was born your priorities changed from each other to him. When Clare was pregnant it was all about her and then it became all about Ezra. You two have been in a depression, lost in your sorrow and your own thoughts and then you might have cheated no wonder she hit you."

"I know I screwed up whether I slept with the girl or not but I still don't think I did. I tried explaining that to Clare but she turned to run out. She'd just come home, I grabbed her arm and tried to stop her to talk to me and she hit me with her purse really hard."

"You're lucky she didn't do anything else," Owen says.

"I'm not denying I deserved it but now she's run out and she's turned off her phone. She could be out there doing anything with anyone."

 **Hey at least you don't have to wait 8 weeks for the next update to this one. The update next Tuesday will likely pick up from around here in Clare's pov.**


	6. I'm Sorry Too but Don't Give Up on Me

**Don't forget to check out the DeGrassi Saviors Website for daily clues and pictures. I make a lot of pictures for specific stories and along with the clue it gives you a little hint to that night's chapter. The link is on my profile page.**

 **Ch. 6 I'm Sorry Too but Don't Give Up on Me**

 **(CLARE)**

I drive for a ways, hitting the highway and going south but I get off after just a couple of exits. I have no intentions of going to some seedy roadside bar the way Drew did. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with anyone I know and I really don't want to be me right now. I find a hotel that has a bar and I stop there, I'm not exactly dressed for a swanky hotel bar but I don't really care. I give my car to the valet and go into the hotel and into the bar. There's booths and tables but I sit at the bar.

"What can I get you?" The male bartender asks. He's around my age, dressed neatly in a hotel uniform, he's got dark blonde hair that's long enough in front for his bangs to hang into his eyes a bit.

"I don't know, anything," I reply.

"Get the lady a chocolate martini," a man says sitting on the bar stool next to me, "and charge it to my room."

"Thanks," I smile at him.

"I'm Duncan Fischer," he tells me extending his hand.

"Cl…Clea," I give him a fake name but as I already started with cl I had to think of something that started with that.

"A lovely name for a lovely woman," he smiles as I give him my hand and he kisses the back of it rather than shake it.

Internally I roll my eyes at his remark but I take the martini and sip at it with a smile. I say nothing of being married although my ring is plainly visible. Duncan sees it, I see his eyes glance at it but he doesn't say anything about it. Duncan is a few years older than me, early thirties probably but he's in good shape. He's taller than Drew by a couple of inches, he wears an expensive suit but when he moves I can see the sculpted muscles under his shirt. His hair is jet black like Owen's but his face is thinner and longer.

"You are much too beautiful to look so sad," Duncan says.

" _Oh brother is this how dating is? He's giving me every corny line in the book. Next I suppose he'll ask me if it hurt when I fell from heaven. Or perhaps ask what a girl like me is doing in a place like this."_ I think to myself but say nothing, just smile and keep sipping at my martini.

"I'm here on business, you know my suite upstairs has a lovely view of the stars from the balcony," he tells me.

"I'll bet it does," I reply tapping my wedding ring on the now empty martini glass.

"Another martini for the lady," Duncan tells the bartender. I'm not sure if that's what he thought my tapping on the glass meant or he just wants to get me drunk.

"Why don't we take this one up to your room?" I suggest hardly able to believe that the words are coming out of my mouth as I say them.

Duncan simply smiles getting off the barstool and offering me his hand. We walk to the elevator and he presses the button for the top floor. Inside of me my conflicting emotions and thoughts are causing a tempest. I know this is wrong, I'm married and I still love Drew and yet I'm angry with him, so very angry with him and for more reasons than I even fully realize. I feel betrayed and hurt so deeply that I feel ill and all that hurt and anger and betrayal is festering inside me. Burning, festering, churning and driving me to stay in this elevator, to go up to Duncan's room, to hurt Drew and make him feel the same betrayal.

The elevator dings when it reaches the top floor and the sound of it resounds inside me. It's like a warming bell that says: _run before it's too late,_ but I don't listen. Duncan takes my hand as the doors open and I follow him out to the hallway and to the room at the very end. Duncan releases my hand to get his wallet out and take out his room key and still I don't run. He opens the door revealing a large suite, it must be incredibly pricey, it's very lovely and I should be impressed but I'm mostly just petrified. He closes the door and pulls me farther into the suite, I've downed the last of the chocolate martini and when he goes to the mini-fridge I walk to the back door going out to the balcony and breathing in the fresh air. We're very high and I look in the direction of my house.

"It's not quite a chocolate martini but it is sweet," Duncan tells me putting an arm around me and handing me a drinking glass with white wine in it at the same time. I take the cup and begin sipping at it while looking at stars and he begins kissing my neck. I shiver instinctively and Duncan takes it as a sign that I'm cold; he pulls me back inside and closes the balcony door. "I can warm you up," he smiles setting down my cup and pressing his lips to mine.

I stop breathing and push him away. All the anger and hurt that was driving me to stay and go through with this to hurt Drew, it's all replaced with fear now. Replaced with a desire to run, fear of what will happen if I stay, fear of hurting Drew.

"I can't, I can't do this I'm sorry. I'm married and I shouldn't even be here I have to go. Thanks for the drinks but I have to go home, to my husband. I have to go home," I prattle on nervously and flee from the room as fast as I can.

I unlock the door flinging it open, running down the hall and frantically pressing the elevator button. When the elevator isn't called up fast enough for me I run to the stairs and start running down them. I run all the way down to the ground floor and out to the valet, my hand shakes as I get out the ticket and hand it over. My car is brought around I get in; I start to cry as I drive home. I continually have to pull the car over the way I'm crying and shaking. It took me less than fifteen minutes to drive to the hotel but more than an hour to drive home. I open the garage door and pull the car in but I don't go inside yet. I sit there in the car a few moments still crying. Eventually I pull myself together enough to open the car door and go inside. Owen and K.C. are sitting on the sofa, they both look at me but I can't look at them and I can't talk to them, I run past them and run upstairs. I don't go into the nursery because I expect Drew to be in there and also because I'm far too ashamed to go into the room that reminds me of my son at the moment.

I run into the washroom in our bedroom and lean on the counter just breathing. The room and washroom were dark when I ran through but now the washroom light gets flicked on. I gasp not from the sudden change in the light but the sight of Drew. One side of his face is bruised and very swollen and I know I did that to him. I lose it, unraveling all together I sink off the counter to the floor curling up and wailing into my hands. I'm crying so hard I can't breathe and I'm shaking so much it rattles the cabinet doors behind me. I feel Drew sit next to me and he takes my hand. I squeeze his hand, squeezing it tightly and forcing myself to take a breath I look back at Drew.

"I'm sor…" I begin but choke on a sobbing breath and can't finish. Drew says nothing just puts his arm around me and now I cry on his shoulder. "Drew…your…face…I," I blubber after a moment but am still unable to make a sentence.

"Don't talk you're going to pass out, you can barely breathe and I can smell alcohol on your breath," he says. His voice is calm but I hear the fear and anger that he's trying to hide in his tone.

"I did that. I didn't mean to hurt you," I say when I can finally seize the sobbing enough to talk.

"I know. I shouldn't have grabbed for you," Drew tells me with an apologetic tone. "Where were you?" He asks after another moment.

"I went to a hotel bar, a man bought me drinks," I admit and I feel Drew tense up. "I was angry, I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to feel the pain that I felt when I found the napkin in your pants pocket."

"I didn't do anything Clare," Drew tells me and I pick my head up to look at him.

"I found the bar tab, I found the napkin, you admitted that you couldn't remember what had happened."

"I still don't but I called her, Owen and K.C. heard the conversation you can ask them. I was extremely drunk, I went back to the motel and got undressed and then I passed out. She wanted to have sex but I was totally unconscious so she fell asleep next to me."

"But you went to the motel did you want to sleep with her?"

"No, I was smashed Clare I wasn't thinking at all and I didn't find her the least bit attractive."

"But you liked the attention she was giving you."

"Yes I did because she wasn't telling me I was broken or that she was sorry about Ezra or looking at me like I was broken."

"I don't look at you like you're broken," I argue but look away from him and down at my legs.

"You hardly look at me at all, when you do actually leave the nursery you barely look at anyone and you're just lost in this haze of depression. So yeah I was enjoying the attention of a woman that actually looked at me with interest and doesn't blame me for the death of my son."

"I don't blame you," I say sharply and take a breath, "entirely. I don't know who to blame Drew, I want answers and no one can give me any. Our son died and no one can tell me why and it's driving me crazy. I want to know why my child was stolen from us. I blame the doctors for not figuring out what was wrong, for telling me it was just the flu. I blame you and I blame myself. I didn't mean to hit you."

"I know Clare."

"But I didn't even think about it, I just hit you. I hit you with as much strength as I could and I hit your face, I hit you in the head, what if you'd had another concussion? You could have been lying unconscious on the floor while I was out letting another man buy me drinks because I was mad at you."

"But I didn't lose consciousness and when you left I called Owen and K.C. and they came right over," Drew says in a comforting tone trying to assuage me but it's not helping. "What did you do with that man?" Drew questions slowly after a moment.

"He bought me a couple of drinks and he talked a lot. And then I went up to his suite with him, he kissed me and I pushed him away and I ran home. I was crying and shaking so much I could barely drive, it took me over an hour to get home," I confess. Drew lets out a breath and relaxes a little knowing I didn't do anything but kiss Duncan. "I hit you and just ran out and into the arms of another man, almost. He kissed me and I let him, only for a second but I let him. What if I'd gone through with it? Or stayed out all night and you'd had another concussion because I hit you!"

"You were angry at me and you had every right to be and y…"

"Will you stop that," I cut him off before he can say anything else and Drew looks at me. "Stop coddling me Drew, I am angry that you were out all night and with some strange woman, even if you didn't do anything. But I hit you, I physically hurt you, there's a huge bruise on your face and a black eye because of me and you're telling me it's okay."

"We've gone through a lot and your emotions are running high y…"

"You're still doing it. You're making excuses for me, you're talking to me like I'm a child and coddling me after I was physically violent with you."

"Well what do you want me to do Clare hit you back?"

"No but get mad at me, I know I had every right to be mad at you for staying out last night and not coming home. For sleeping in bed with and getting the attentions of another woman even if you didn't sleep with her. I am pissed about that still but that doesn't make it okay that I hit you Drew. I hit you and I ran out and I didn't even think about it."

"Look at me Clare," Drew commands and I look at him, "I have a nasty bruise but not a concussion. I got a little dizzy and called my friends, I just didn't call Adam because I knew he'd yell at me. I'm really not angry that you hit me, I already left a message with work that I wouldn't be in for the rest of the week I shouldn't look so horrible by Monday. I'm not happy that you were with another man; I'm not at all happy that some strange man bought you drinks and took you up to his room. I really don't like that he kissed you."

"I pushed him away as soon as his lips were on mine," I tell him and we go quiet for a moment. "Drew I don't think we can do this."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think we can do this, we had a fight and you stayed out all night at a bar and spent a night in a motel with a girl. I know nothing happened but you still enjoyed the affection she was giving you and I did the same. We both did it out of anger and we've done nothing but fight and I can't even look at you without thinking about Ezra. I'm angry at you and I don't even really know why. And you're forced to take care of me because I can barely bring myself to leave Ezra's room. Maybe we should take some time apart."

"Do you want time apart?" Drew asks me and I bite my lip looking down at my hand. He tips my chin up to look at him again. "You could be in a hotel room right now with another man but you came back here."

"Because when he kissed me it scared me," I reply.

"Why? Why did it scare you? Because you were there out of anger or because it was another man, one that wasn't your husband? Or did you think he was going to go farther than you wanted?"

"No he wasn't like that but I didn't want to be there. I went to make you angry and when I was there I wanted to be with you. When I ran from there shaking I wished you were there to hold me," I tell him and Drew holds me tighter.

"You ran back to me that doesn't sound like you want time apart," Drew says after a minute.

"I don't know Drew but this isn't working. I can barely look at you; we don't talk unless we're fighting. I cry so much my head always hurts and most of the time I can't even function, most of the time I don't want to function. You were able to go to work and I can't even fathom going to work. This isn't working Drew, I feel like I'm just continuing to fall and I'm bringing you down with me. And I'm just so angry and so sad, I just…I don't think I can do this."

"Two weeks, it's been two weeks Clare since we lost Ezra. Of course you're still sad and angry, so am I. It's only been two weeks that is not enough time to say this working. We haven't even begun to heal. Give it a month; get out of the house a…"

"I don't want to get out of the house Drew; I want to be here with Ezra's stuff and his room. Everyday his scent fades a little, I only have a few memories of him and eventually they'll fade. I feel like if I leave the house I'll lose another part of him. I don't want to leave the house, I'm not ready to go out and lose him yet. I don't want to go out and be in the world and feel like everyone's looking at me because I lost a baby."

"But you have to get out of the house Clare. You aren't going to lose Ezra by leaving the house but if you stay here, stuck in this rut of depression and sorrow and anger you will lose yourself. I'm not going in for the rest of the week we can leave the house together. You have to try Clare please I'm not ready to give up on us or to lose you after losing Ezra."

"Okay," I nod after a minute.

"Good, we can make it through this Clare," Drew assures me kissing my forehead.

"I need a shower," I tell him standing up. Drew stands and turns to the door, taking a step and I catch his hand. "Do you want to shower with me?"

"I'd like that," Drew smiles turning on the water.

We undress and step into the shower; I turn around letting the water hit my back. My forehead rests on Drew's chest and his arms come around me. Despite the feeling of safety and solace I have in Drew's arms I begin to cry.

 **(DREW)**

"I have to go into work I don't think I can tell them I'm not coming in again. There's only another month and then I'm off for the summer," I say from the bed. Clare sits on the end of it staring at Ezra's bassinet. She's just staring at it, not moving, barely breathing just looking at the empty space that used to be filled by our son. "Clare?" I say moving on the bed. I don't even know how long she's been awake and sitting there staring at an empty bassinet. I crawl across the bed putting my hand on her shoulder and she doesn't even flinch.

"I thought I heard him crying. I woke up sure that he was crying, I heard it and I came to get him from the bassinet and he's not there," she says softly before bursting into tears herself.

It's been two weeks since we each nearly wandered from our marriage, two weeks since Clare essentially told me she was ready to give up and I practically begged her to stay and try. I spent the rest of that week home with Clare while my bruise healed; at least enough that it wasn't too visible. I managed, with some help from our friends, to get Clare out of the house at least once a day, mostly to the park or just a walk in the neighborhood. Last week when I went back to work we'd go out after I got home and a few times Adam or Jenna came by and got her out before I got home. She's been doing a little better though, she even took a freelance assignment from the paper. She works from home but it's a start. She still barley eats and we have to force her out of Ezra's room most of the time but it's an improvement.

And me, I'm hiding it all, since going back to work I've been suppressing it all. If I let myself feel it, if I give in to what I'm feeling deep inside then I'll break. I'll break just like Clare, I'll fall into depression, I'll be angry about losing my son and I won't be able to go out and function. I can't do that, Clare's barely functional I can't be a mess too so I'm just not thinking about it, not dealing with it. I put all my energy into working and taking care of Clare. It's worked for the last few weeks but today, today is different.

Today it's been one month since Ezra died.

"I'll tell them I'm not coming in today, I'm sure they can call in a sub."

"No you should go in," Clare shakes her head.

"No, not today they'll understand," I reply kissing her shoulder and she flinches just slightly. I grab my cell phone and call the office, "Alexia it's Drew."

"Hi Drew."

"I won't be in today. It's exactly a month today and I just can't I need to be home and with Clare."

"It's fine we'll get a sub I completely understand. Give my love to Clare," Alexia says and hangs up.

"They're calling a sub," I tell Clare as I put the phone down.

"How can it have been an entire month since he's been gone? How does the world keep going for a whole month and how can I still be in so much pain?"

"We should do something for Ezra today. We can do anything what do you do want to do?"

"I want to…" Clare begins and then stops leaning back on me a little and I take her in my arms. "I want to put fresh flowers on his grave. I want to remember him with our friends."

"I'll call Adam; he can arrange a dinner with some help from Paige. Let's go get dressed and go to the flower shop," I tell her and she gives me the biggest smile she can muster.

While Clare takes a quick shower I call Adam and tell him what Clare wants. He says they'll take care of it and when I hang up with him I get dressed. Clare and I drive to a flower shop a few blocks away and she picks out a bouquet. Then we drive to the cemetery and Ezra's headstone. We sit next to the headstone and Clare sets the flowers down and we both begin to cry. We sit there for a very long time and just cry; eventually we stop and stand up walking back to the car. We spent over four hours there and now we need to eat. I use my phone to place a to-go order and we pick up food on our way home. We eat in the living room in a somber silence and we stay in the somber silence for the afternoon, at least until Adam arrives.

"Everyone will be here at six for a potluck and remembrance dinner. Paige will be here in an hour to help set up and Jenna's coming right after work."

"Thanks Adam I'm going to lie down for a bit," Clare says standing up from the sofa.

"You want me to come with you?" I ask her.

"No," she shakes her head.

"I'll come and check on you in a bit," I tell her and she nods. I go to kiss her but she turns her head and I catch her cheek instead of her lips.

"How's she doing?" Adam questions.

"Two steps forward and three steps back," I reply.

"And you?"

"I'm doing fine, I have to be right?"

"No," Adam says giving me a worried look.

"I'm fine Adam, as fine as someone can be after what we've been through. It's Clare I'm worried about," I tell him.

"Is she still working on the article for the paper?"

"Yeah and it seemed to be going pretty well until today. I just hope she doesn't completely backslide from here."

Adam starts cleaning a little; I help for a bit and then go upstairs to check on Clare. She's not in our bed, I find her instead in the nursery in the nest of stuffed animals. She's not sleeping; she's lying there crying silently with her head buried in a teddy bear. I start to walk in and then decide to give her some time. I turn around looking at the still broken door I kicked open to get to her. I walk downstairs and keep myself busy with cleaning up. When Jenna and Paige arrive I go back upstairs and into the nursery putting my hand on Clare's arm.

"People are going to arrive soon for dinner you want to come downstairs?"

"Yeah I'll be down soon," she says getting up.

I follow her into our washroom; she splashes water on her face and cleans herself up a little. She takes a minute before going downstairs and puts on a small smile to greet Paige and Jenna. Owen and Ashley are next to arrive and then K.C. comes, given the last minute notice of the dinner no one else is coming. We have a nice dinner with everyone, after dinner we talk about Ezra, everyone sharing memories of Ezra, we only have a couple months of memories to share but everyone has a story. It's bitter sweet, it's nice to remember him but it makes us all cry.

"We'll clean up you guys should get to bed you both look exhausted," Adam says when everyone but him and Paige have gone home.

"Thanks for everything. As always you guys are amazing," Clare tells them and hugs them both before going upstairs. I hug Adam and Paige and follow Clare upstairs. She starts to go upstairs and I grab her hand.

"You should sleep in the bed. Ezra isn't in that room he never spent a night in that room," I remind her.

"I know I'll come into the bedroom in a moment," she replies. I go into the bedroom and she comes in a second later holding the first teddy bear we got for Ezra. We went and bought it the moment I knew she was pregnant. I go into the washroom and get ready for bed, by the time I come out Clare is already in bed, curled on her side and clutching the teddy bear.

I get in and lie down, Clare sobs gently but silently but when I try to touch her she pulls away from me. I lie there for a while but I can't sleep, when Clare cries herself to sleep and I hear Adam & Paige leave I get up. At first I pace the living room, then I go into the closet getting out my old punching bag. I move my car out of the garage and hang the punching bag and then I start hitting it. Punching hard again and again, punching out all the anger I've been holding in and crying. Crying out all the tears I've kept behind an internal dam of false inner strength. Hitting the bag makes me feel better but I want more. I go inside for water and grab my laptop, sitting on the sofa and booting it up. When it's up I open a browser and type in the search bar: **Amateur MMA fighting clubs near me** and several links pop up. Just as I click on one I hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Drew?" Clare asks in a sleepy voice and I quickly shut the laptop so she doesn't see. "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep come on let's go to bed," I say getting up and take her hand bringing her upstairs with me and back to the bedroom.

"What were you looking at on your laptop?" She questions as we get in bed.

"Nothing just mindlessly surfing to get tired, I didn't mean to wake you get back to sleep."

 **Uh-oh! Naughty Drew lying to Clare. Update next Tuesday will start probably the next day and include Clare returning to work.**


	7. Stolen Days

**Don't forget to check out the DeGrassi Saviors Website for daily clues and pictures. I make a lot of pictures for specific stories and along with the clue it gives you a little hint to that night's chapter. The link is on my profile page.**

 **Ch. 7 Stolen Days**

 **(DREW)**

"Hey bro," Adam answers his phone.

"Hey I have to stay late at work can you check on Clare? After yesterday I'm not sure how she's doing get her out if you can."

"Yeah no problem I'll head over there now and Paige can meet me when she gets off work."

"Thanks I'll probably be home late, there's a staff meeting about next year and the sub from yesterday kind of messed things up," I tell my brother. I'm lying through my teeth right now but I can't tell him the real reason I'm going to be late. He'd yell at me and then he'd tell Clare and she'd yell at me and they'd make me quit. Yesterday it had been one month since Ezra's death and I'd stayed home from work to be with Clare. I also decided to get back into MMA but I'm not telling anyone because they'd all freak out.

I brought a change of clothes and I change into sweats and a sleeveless shirt, getting into my car and turning on the GPS app on my phone to give me directions. The gym, if you can call it that, is not too far from our house but it's underground, literally in fact as the entrance is below street level and the only way to find the staircase or the gym is that a plain red sign, without words on it, is right above the staircase. I go in and sign up for a match, there's three cages so three matches going at once but it's sort of one center cage and one on each side. I have to sign a waiver and then get weighed and stuff; it's an hour before I get a match. Aside from the total underground aspect to this gym I chose it because there's no hitting the face, since everyone has jobs and it's not good to show up to any job with bruises. Not to mention what Clare would do if she saw me with bruises.

"You're up," a guy tells me leading me to the cage to the left of the center cage.

I go in and look at my opponent; he's about an inch shorter than me but looks like he has more muscle. The bell rings and we begin. It's been years but I remember pretty well and I trip my opponent sending him crashing to the floor. He's obviously more skilled than I am though as he leaps up and kicks me in the stomach. And then it's like all my rage comes out and I leap up sort of tackling him like in football. He pushes me back and I punch him, then kick and punch again. I make sure I don't hit his face but other than that I'm just fighting, almost like fighting for survival and I just keep going until a ref pulls me away. The match is called, I win and I leave the cage to get some water but it felt good, so good that I sign up for a second match. My second opponent is a lot tougher, even though I lose the fighting felt god and I don't even realize how late it became. I can't go home in sweats so I change at the school again before driving home.

"When you said you'd be late I didn't think you meant this late," Adam says when I get inside.

"Yeah sorry the meeting went long and the sub was new to teaching and just totally screwed things up. Where are the girls?"

"Paige went home already, Clare told me to go home but you weren't answering your phone so I told her I was staying until we knew you were okay."

"Yeah my fault I had it off in the meeting and didn't even think about turning it back on. I'm going to go say hi to Clare, you can go home now. Thanks for coming over," I say hugging my brother.

"Yeah of course, we got Clare to go out for a walk after dinner."

I smile and go upstairs expecting to find Clare in the nursery but instead find her asleep on our bed. I kiss her temple but she doesn't stir so I leave her. After going down and saying goodbye to my brother again I eat and cleanup and go back upstairs. I get in a shower before I go to bed but I'm starting to feel the beatings I took and I make a painful grunt when I bend down to get the shampoo bottle.

"Drew?" Clare yawns.

"Yeah it's me Pretty Eyes, no one else better be in our shower in the middle of the night."

"Are you okay? You sounded like you were in pain, when did you get home?"

"About 10:30 and I'm fine just got hit by a stray soccer ball at recess," I lie. "I kissed you when I got in but you didn't even move."

"I took some sleeping pills since I didn't sleep last night."

"That's probably a good idea, you should get back to bed I'll be there in a minute."

"You sure you're okay?" She asks when I can't quite stifle the painful grunt as I begin washing my hair.

"Yeah just bruised that's all, six year olds have some powerful legs that soccer ball hit me pretty hard. Go back to bed I'll join you in a minute," I tell her again.

She waits in the washroom another moment before going out to the bedroom again. I finish in the shower and go out to put boxers on but keep the lights off. I get in the bed and put my arm around her kissing her cheek. Fighting worked out my aggression but I've still got energy and when my lips touch down on Clare's skin that energy turns to desire. My lips trail down from her cheek to her jawline and then to her neck.

"Drew stop," she says pushing me away and moving farther away from me at the same time, "not tonight I'm tired."

I roll on my back but now I'm horny and can't get to sleep. I get up and go into the washroom to jackoff before returning to bed and I fall asleep. I wake up to my alarm and find Clare's not in bed; I get up putting on a shirt and sweats. I find Clare in the nursery, not curled up in the stuffed animals just standing in the room staring at it. I touch her arm and she gasps like I startled her, she must have been really lost in her head.

"When did you wake up?" I question.

"I never quite got back to sleep," she replies.

"I need to get to work are you going to be okay? Should I call someone to…"

"I'll be fine, go to work," she responds cutting me off and still staring into the room.

"I'll be home right after work," I tell her and she nods.

I watch her for a couple of seconds; it's not that she's staring at Ezra's room that bothers me it's the look in her eyes. It's a sorrowful empty look, a distant and vacant look and it scares me. She doesn't look sad, doesn't look angry just empty. She doesn't move and just keeps staring and I slowly walk back to the bedroom. I get dressed and ready for work and she's still staring at the room, when I finish breakfast and go back up she's moved from the room. She's in the washroom taking a shower, I open the door to tell her goodbye and then I leave for work. I call Clare to check up on her during lunch and she tells me she's working on her article. I go home as soon as I'm done for the day and find Clare on the living room sofa with some guy I've never seen before.

"Drew this is Ricky from the paper," Clare says as I look at the boy, and I do mean boy because he can't be more than eighteen and I don't like how cozy he seems to be with my wife.

"It's nice to meet you Drew," Ricky smiles extending his hand and I shake it to be polite. "I came to check on Clare and convince her to come back to the paper. We all miss her it's just not the same without her sarcastic wit. Well I should go, I'll bring everything by tomorrow," Ricky tells Clare. She stands up, hugs him and walks him to the door.

"What's he bringing tomorrow? Why is he coming back to the house?" I inquire.

"Settle down Drew and watch your tone," Clare snaps at me.

"Well last night you pushed me away and barely let me kiss you and then I come home and find you with some strange guy all cozy on the sofa. What am I supposed to think Clare Ricky's…"

"Gay," she cuts me off.

"He's what?"

"Ricky is gay and has a boyfriend Drew. He works as a researcher at the paper and he's done a lot of it for me. Aside from my boss he's the only one from work to come to the house and see how I am. Do you really think I would cheat on you?"

"You were in another man's hotel room just a couple of weeks ago."

"After finding out you'd spent the night with another woman and I ran from his hotel room back to you after one kiss," she spits back with a venomous tone.

"Yeah well…" I begin but I really don't have a good argument after that. "Well why was he hanging out so long and why's he coming back tomorrow?"

"He's going to print out pictures of Ezra at work for me so I can make a memory book. It was his idea, his aunt lost a child a couple of years ago and he said it helped her so I thought I'd try it. I have to do something and going to therapy or grievance group is something I'm just not ready for. I thought I might try going back to work a couple of days a week but I didn't think I was ready. I told Ricky I didn't want to leave the house still and he thought if I had the memory book it would be therapeutic and I could take it to work with me. I'm trying Drew isn't that what everyone wanted?"

"Yes, yes you trying is what we wanted and I'm proud of you Clare. I'm sorry for being jealous," I grin.

"At least I know you still care."

"Of course I care I love you Clare," I say putting my hands on her arms and leaning down to kiss her. She kisses me back but when I begin pulling up her t-shirt in back to feel her skin she pulls away.

"We should make dinner," she tells me.

"Yeah," I nod but I feel like she really just doesn't want me to touch her.

"Jenna came by at lunch and we went grocery shopping, I can make chicken or pasta or burgers if you want," Clare says and looks at me before turning around again quickly. "I don't need a babysitter anymore, I'm doing better, I'm trying and I can go grocery shopping on my own," she announces.

"I know but it doesn't stop everyone from worrying," I comment.

"So what would you like for dinner?"

"Pasta, we can make pasta and vegetables from my mom's recipe. I can cook," I tell her.

"No you were working all day I'll cook, I have the recipe here," Clare says.

"Okay but let me help," I insist.

"Okay," she nods slowly.

We used to love making dinner together, Mom taught me and Adam to cook and Clare was a decent cook already. We'd come home from work and cook dinner together as we talked about our day then eat on the sofa watching TV or a movie. After Ezra was born I'd come home and start dinner while she fed him, then we'd put him in the swing or playpen or sometimes his carrier somewhere he could see us. Then we'd cook together, eat at the table and we'd clean together. Then I'd play with Ezra until it was time to put him to bed and give Clare some time to herself.

Tonight we don't smile, we don't even talk we just cook in this stressed silence. When dinner is ready we sit on the sofa and I put on the TV. I'm quite hungry and I devour mine but Clare just stares at hers. Actually I don't think she's really staring at her food I think she's lost in her head but her eyes happen to be in the direction of her food.

"I'm not really hungry I'm going to take a shower," she tells me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah just a lot on my mind it's kind of killing my appetite. I promise you don't have to call the men in white coats."

"You can't blame me for being worried Clare and you seemed to be having a fine time with Ricky, smiling and stuff. Then I get home and you can't seem to get far enough away from me," I point out.

"Drew that's not true. When Ricky was here I was wearing a mask, I didn't want him to see me at my worst. You're my husband I shouldn't have to hide things from you, unless you want me to walk around with a fake smile on my face?"

"No of course not I just…never mind go and shower."

"Just what?"

"Nothing Clare I'm just still a little jealous I guess."

"I already told you there's nothing to be jealous of Drew. I love you and things are just…weird right now. Ezra's gone we're starting to accept that and now we have to find us again," Clare says.

"You are right and very smart so maybe we should get away this weekend, just the two of us."

"Away?" She questions slowly.

"A night Clare you have to try. I'll make reservations at a romantic bed and breakfast not far from the house and we'll do anything you want."

"Okay for Saturday night but if I need to come home that needs to be okay," she says.

"I promise," I grin.

She goes upstairs to shower and never comes back down, after eating I go to check on her and find her asleep in bed. I decide to let her sleep and so I put her dinner in the fridge and clean up. Then get out my laptop and find a reasonably priced bed and breakfast that's just a half-hour drive from the house and make a reservation for Saturday night. Thank goodness it's not quite tourist season yet or I never would have gotten one. I do some more planning and go to bed a little after eleven. When I wake up on Friday morning Clare is already awake, she's in the living room and staring into space again. I'm not sure what's better; when she was crying all the time or now that she's staring into space all the time. At least when she was crying I knew she was sad, I knew why and I even knew what she was thinking, at least in a way. When she just stares into space it's like she's gone, turned off and almost dead, she's just blank and I have no idea what she's feeling or thinking.

"I'm going to work," I speak up but she doesn't move so I go over sitting on the sofa at her feet and touch her leg. Her eyes blink and she looks at me as if she were a robot I just turned on. "I'm leaving for work, I might be home late again should I call Adam or Owen to check on you? I mean to have dinner with you a…" I begin to correct myself but Clare cuts me off.

"It's okay Ricky's coming over again remember?"

"Right well I'll call on my lunch, just make sure you eat today."

She nods and I leave the house stopping at a coffee shop to grab some breakfast. At first I never wanted to leave the house, right after Ezra died I felt just like Clare. I felt that if I was at the house I was near my son but now that I'm out of the house most days I actually dread going back. The house feels suffocating and I want to remember Ezra but most of the memories that come to me when I'm home are of Ezra being sick, Clare worried, she and I fighting about it, rushing him to the hospital and memories of right after he died when Clare and I were too depressed to even eat. The atmosphere in the house is depressing and stifling and it makes it hard to go home. The thing that usually brings me home is worry about Clare and wanting to be with my wife, but then I get home and she doesn't want to be with me.

My day goes by like any other, I teach the kids and keep myself from thinking what Ezra might have been like if he'd reached that age. I call Clare at lunch and she promises to eat. I consider calling Adam or someone to look in on her but she is trying and I need to let her try. The kindergartners leave at the end of their day and I grab an early dinner so I'm not fighting on a full stomach. I show up to the gym early tonight and sign up for a match before I start warming up. I fight in three tonight, losing two but winning one and I'm pretty sore as I drive home. I find Clare asleep again clutching a little square book covered with checkered blue and white fabric. I decide not to disturb her so I take a quick shower to rinse off but am too sore to wash right now. After the shower I go downstairs and lie on the sofa putting some ice packs on the bruises, when I take the ice packs off I grab some muscle cream and rub that in and I fall asleep on the sofa.

 **(CLARE)**

I wake up two in the morning again, I don't really mean to wake up at two but lately I've been drugging myself to sleep around six or seven at night. It's a dead sleep I don't even dream I'm just totally unconscious. Then I wake up at two feeling like I slept but still groggy and out of it. I get up and suddenly realize Drew isn't in bed, I never heard him come home either, of course I was asleep before seven and he wasn't home at that point. I doubt he'd be sleeping in the nursery but I decide to check anyway. When I go out to the hall I can faintly hear the TV and see the flickering lights from it so I go downstairs and find him asleep on the sofa. I see a tube of muscle cream on the coffee table and he's dressed in sweat pants, which he doesn't wear to bed.

"Drew," I call his name quietly and shake him gently. He stirs and then yawns, his eyes open, he goes to move but groans in pain. "What happened? Why didn't you come to bed? Why do you sound like you're in pain for the second time this week?"

"Nothing I'm fine, I just got home late and didn't want to come to bed and disturb you. What time is it?" Drew questions.

"A little after two in the morning and if you were just worried about disturbing me then why is the muscle cream out?"

"I was still sore from the soccer ball the other day," Drew replies.

"Well then maybe we should take you to the doctor you might have cracked a rib."

"Even if I did crack a rib all the doctor would do is tape it up. I'll be fine don't worry about me, I'll come to bed," he says getting up and trying to hide the pain he feels from me.

"You can take the bed but I'm awake now, I fell asleep around seven," I tell him.

"Oh, you want me to stay up with you?"

"No you get to bed, you need to sleep I think I'll proof my article one more time before sending it in."

Drew gets up and kisses me softly before going up to bed. I'm sure he's hiding something from me I'm just not sure what. I don't think it's an affair, the one and only time he was even tempted he was drunk and really angry at me but I had just blamed him for Ezra's death. He got so drunk he totally passed out and didn't remember anything. Anyway I don't think he'd sound like he was in pain if he was having an affair, unless he suddenly got into S&M but that seems unlikely.

I actually do proof my article again but that takes me less than an hour and then I send it out to my boss. I realize I left Ezra's memory book upstairs and this time I don't want to disturb Drew so I go upstairs and sit in the nursery. I sit in the rocking chair, rocking at first but as I become lost in my mind I stop rocking. When I feel a hand on my shoulder I gasp slightly and look up to see Drew giving me a worried look.

"How long have you been in here?" Drew asks.

"I don't know a while, what time is it?"

"After eight, let's get some breakfast. We can't check into the bed and breakfast until four but we can do anything you want today. What would you like to do?" Drew asks pulling me from the rocking chair.

"I don't know, a walk maybe."

"A walk sounds good we can go down by the water, maybe walk through Central Park," Drew suggests as we walk downstairs.

I just nod as we go into the kitchen and Drew starts getting out stuff to make breakfast. Once I realize what he's making I help him and we sit down at the table to eat. I eat a little and then we get dressed and leave the house. I've gone out before but just for short bursts and it takes us almost an hour to even get to central park. After an hour of walking through the park I'm feeling the need to get back home.

"Can we go home now?" I ask Drew.

"Yeah sure," Drew nods.

We walk back to the subway and take it back to the car before driving home. Drew makes lunch but I'm not that hungry and I just nibble some baby carrots. After we eat we pack for our night away but I'm not staying out for a night without two things. I get the memory book Ricky helped me make yesterday and then I take Ezra's baby blanket, the one we swaddled him in every night, the one that still smells like him and I cut a small piece of it roughly 3x3 inches and put it in my purse. We still have almost an hour before we can check into the bed and breakfast so we park at the bed and breakfast and walk around the neighborhood a bit. We're not that far from the house but I've never been to this neighborhood before. At four we walk back to the B&B and check in.

"This will be good; this is what we need a night away. Where do you want to have dinner?"

"I don't know, I'm not that hungry," I reply.

"How about somewhere exotic? I saw an African place down the street," Drew offers.

"No something simple," I shake my head.

"Italian then you always like Italian," Drew comments and I nod taking the memory book from my suitcase. "Can I see?" Drew requests and I sit on the bed with him.

"I filled it with as many pictures as I could find, I wish we had more pictures of him," I say as Drew takes the book and opens it.

The first page is a sonogram of Ezra; Ricky decorated the page with little hearts and baby bottles. Ricky told me to write a little something on each page, a memory about the pictures so I wrote at the bottom how excited Drew and I were to find out I was pregnant. The next two pages are all pictures from the day he was born. I wrote about how happy everyone was and how many people came to welcome him to the world. The book has twenty pages, each one filled with pictures and my words, I wrote everything like I was writing to Ezra.

"It's beautiful," Drew smiles.

"I miss him Drew, I miss him so much," I sob and put my head on my husband's shoulder.

"I know Clare, I miss him too. So much it hurts and I think we always will but we miss him so much because we love him so deeply," Drew says putting his arm around me.

"I wish it would stop hurting. I wish I didn't feel anymore."

 **Update next Tuesday will pick up from around here and include the rest of their night away.**


	8. I Sink & I Swim

**If you missed last night's chapter then you missed the A/N so here it is again. We are implementing new systems at work and while we figure out the new systems work is going to be a little crazy. Along with my dad's birthday this Saturday you can expect a week of short chapters including this one. I will do all I can not to skip a chapter but they will be short this week at least, possibly next week too but hopefully not.**

 **Ch. 8 I Sink & I Swim**

 **(DREW)**

"Why don't we find a place to eat dinner, somewhere near the water where we can walk after?" I suggest to Clare after a few minutes.

"I'm not very hungry," Clare shakes her head.

"We'll walk first then," I assert and Clare nods.

We leave the room and I search for places to eat on my phone. I find a quiet place by the water with a good rating and have my phone take us there. I park close to the restaurant and we get out of the car to walk along the water. I put my arm around Clare and we start walking slowly and in silence. I don't really mind the silence but it's an uncomfortable tense silence. We used to walk in silence all the time just happy to be together but this feels different and I feel the need to break the silence.

"So have you given any more thought to going back to work?" I ask her.

"Some, my boss said I could work at home for the most part and just be in the office a few days a week. I'm still not sure that I'm ready but if I don't do something I'm not sure I'll ever make it out of this."

"That's good, I'm proud of you for trying and taking that step it's a big step. I didn't want to go back to work either but it helps, I promise it helps. You've never liked sitting around and doing nothing, you even tried to get a jump on student council business while you were in the hospital sick with cancer," I remind her.

"I know but we were kids then, I just wanted to be a normal kid and think about the possibility I could die. Instead my son died and I'm trying to figure out how to go on knowing he's gone," she says.

"I know it's hard Clare but you'll feel better. I know you and I know if you're out in the world doing things and being functional you'll feel better. I'll do whatever you need to make it easier for you," I tell her and she nods.

We're silent again for a couple of minutes and then we start talking about Adam and Paige's wedding in a few weeks. After walking for about an hour she decides she can eat and we walk back to the restaurant. Dinner has the same uncomfortable silence, part of the problem is I really don't know what's okay to talk about. If I talk about work or Ezra it could set her off, we've already talked about her going back and the wedding. I pay for dinner and we drive back to the B&B going into our room.

"You want to watch a movie? The manager said they have a whole DVD collection," I suggest when we get back to the room.

"Sure," Clare nods.

I leave the room and go out to the main room where all the DVDs are. I pick one out and return to the room, I get the DVD cued up and turn out the lights getting on the bed with Clare. I start the DVD and get comfortable on the bed, Clare remains a few inches away from me so I put out my arm and she moves over getting in my arm. She lies on her back using my arm as her pillow. As the movie continues she slowly rolls over to her side and puts her arm on my chest. After a while more she moves again, moving down and putting her head on my chest, only her head goes down on a bruise and I can't help but grunt.

"Sorry," she apologizes sitting up quickly. "Wait I thought your cracked rib was on the other side," she says turning on the bedside lamp and pulling up my shirt before I can stop her. "Drew what happened?!" She exclaims upon seeing the multitude of bruises on my torso from MMA fighting. "And don't tell me it's from the kids in your class. Unless they all jumped on you and began hitting…" she pauses as a realization hits her. "Andrew tell me you haven't been amateur MMA fighting again?"

"Well I…I needed an outlet for my anger."

"So you put your life in danger by fighting? You've already had two concussions we just lost a child and you thought it was a good idea to go fight strangers with no gloves or protection!" She hisses angrily leaping off the bed.

"I was angry, incredibly angry about losing my son and not being able to help you and this resentment you seem to have toward me. I was filled with rage Clare and when punching my punching bag felt good so I found an MMA club and fighting other people felt really good. I was getting out all my rage and even losing the fights felt good you wouldn't understand."

"You're right Drew I wouldn't understand, I don't understand how you could do that again after your concussions! I don't understand how you could put your life in danger like that. Or does it just not matter to you? Do you not care about me at all?"

"Of course I do Clare I love you, you know that I love you."

"Then you can't do MMA anymore Drew. Just how long did you think you could hide this from me?"

"Well you'll barely look at me let alone do anything intimate with me so I didn't think you'd see my bare chest anytime soon," I respond and about half way through realize it's not a good thing to say but I can't seem to stop myself. Clare glowers at me, screams in ire and runs into the washroom slamming and locking the door. "Clare I…that's not…I'm sorry," I stumble over an apology and sit on the bed. I put my head in my hands and wonder just how to get my foot of my mouth. After a few minutes I realize Clare is crying in the washroom, I hear soft sobbing through the door. I get off the bed and knock on the washroom door. "Clare please open the door, I'm sorry I didn't mean that. Not the way it sounded, it came out wrong. I know MMA was stupid, I'm sorry Clare really sorry, it was dumb and I wasn't thinking."

She opens the door and looks at me, "Promise me you won't do it anymore."

"I promise no more MMA fighting, it was dumb. But in all fairness you knew I was dumb when you married me."

"You're not dumb just no more MMA," Clare asserts putting her arms around my neck and kissing me softly. "I feel like a shower you want to join me?" Clare offers and I grin.

"I would absolutely love to join you in the shower."

I kiss her again and she steps back into the washroom. I turn on the water and begin adjusting the temperature, by the time I have it right Clare's already undressed. From the first time we showered together she let me undress her, but since Ezra's death this is only the second time we've showered together. She'll barely get intimate with me, I feel like she barely kisses me and I hate it because all I want to do is have her in my arms, touch her skin and feel her again but I keep reminding myself that she needs time. She steps into the shower and I undress, when I get in she's just standing under the water.

"Drew," she gasps getting a look at all my bruises. She puts her hand on my arm and turns me so she can look at my back. "Drew you're covered in bruises I don't understand how you could do this to yourself," she says gently brushing her fingertips over my bruised back.

"No more, I promise. They're not that bad really it's just a few bruises; they'll go away in a few days. Don't think about the bruises why don't you turn around and I'll rub your shoulders," I suggest.

She smiles softly and turns around letting the hot water run down her back while I rub her shoulders. I keep going until the water begins to turn cold and then I turn off the water and we get out. Clare goes out to the room and gets her pajamas on; she comes back into the washroom and bushes her teeth.

"You want to finish the movie?" I ask Clare.

"No I'm pretty tired can we just go to bed?"

"Yeah of course," I nod getting some boxers on and turning off the lights in the bedroom. I go in and brush my teeth and Clare's in bed when I come out again. I get in the bed and she's on her side with her back to me. "You know you won't hurt me if you let me hold you," I tell her.

"Yes I will you're all covered in bruises and I don't want to make it worse."

"You won't and this night was supposed to be about us, a night away together remember?"

She takes a minute and then rolls over and into my arms. It's one of the few times I've fallen asleep with her in my arms since Ezra's death, at least without us crying to sleep. I wake up early when I feel Clare get out of my arms to use the washroom. It's 6:30 and breakfast is at seven so we get dressed and ready for the day before going out to the main room for breakfast. There's four other couples here and the couple that runs the place. Clare is uncomfortable; she says nothing and stuffs herself with two waffles and some fruit. I talk a little but mostly leave the chatter to the other couples.

"We really should be getting home," Clare says after breakfast excusing herself from the table.

"Breakfast was wonderful thank you," I say to the owners and follow Clare to the room where I find her packing. "We don't have to be out until eleven," I remind her.

"I know but I want to go home now."

"Okay we'll go home, at least you handled a night out of the house," I reply going into the washroom to help her pack. We get packed up and check out and I drive us home. Clare pauses in the car when I pull up to the driveway. I get out and get the bags but she stays in the car. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine just thinking," she replies.

"About?" I prod.

"Nothing," she shakes her head finally getting out of the car. I unlock the door and we go inside and she stops inside the door.

"Clare?"

"I'm just…thinking," she says slowly.

"Okay well I'll take the bag upstairs and if you care to share what you're thinking about I'm all ears," I tell her taking the bag upstairs. I unpack the dirty clothes and put our toiletries in the washroom, when I leave our bedroom I find Clare in the nursery sitting in the rocking chair. She clutches the memory book and a patch of Ezra's baby blanket. "Clare? You need anything?" I ask from the doorway.

"No," she shakes her head, "I just need some time alone."

"Okay I'll be right downstairs if you need me."

She nods and I go downstairs turning on the TV, there's a game on so I absentmindedly watch it. After a couple of hours I get up to make some food, I go upstairs and check on Clare. I ask her if she's hungry and she just shakes her head. I feel like I should press but I decide it's best not to too so I go down and start making a sandwich when our front door opens and my brother comes in.

"Hey little bro," I greet.

"Hey," he grins closing the door and then comes over smacking me upside the head.

"Ow what did I do?"

"MMA fighting Drew? Really? You're lucky I didn't tell Mom."

"How did you even…Clare told you. When did she tell you? She just found out last night," I comment.

"And I found out last night, I thought you knew by now she and I tell each other pretty much everything. Especially when it comes to you," Adam replies.

"Yeah I probably should have known and I already promised her no more," I tell my brother taking my sandwich to the sofa and Adam sits with me.

"Good so where is Clare?"

"In the nursery, in the rocking chair staring at nothing and thinking according to her. She won't tell me what she's thinking about and she says she's not hungry. She was doing pretty well last night, we didn't talk all that much but we showered together, she let me hold her while we were sleeping. Even talked about going back to work but now I'm wondering if it did more harm than good."

 **(CLARE)**

My hands shake a little as I lock the car door and I take a deep breath to steady my nerves. I approach the building on shaking legs, I wasn't this nervous on my first day but this is different. I'm not nervous to be here, not nervous to talk to people or praying that I get the job. This time the nerves are something different.

"Welcome back Clare," Jordan grins at me when I show my badge at security. I smile politely and walk to the elevator. He's not the only one to welcome me back nearly everyone I pass welcomes me back with a pity filled look and I smile politely.

"Clare welcome back, I'm so happy to see you," Deena says getting up from her desk to hug me.

"Thanks Deena, is Steven in?"

"Yeah go on in I'm sure he'll be delighted to see you. We're all very excited that you're back. You are back aren't you?"

"That's what I want to talk to Steven about," I reply and walk into my editor's office.

"Clare it's good to see you, you look much better than the last time I was at the house," Steven says.

"Yeah I heard about that, sorry I was not quite ready for company then," I apologize.

"Please no apologies after what you went through and I came on a terrible day. I should have called first but you're here I hope it's good news."

"I want to return to work, uh part time anyway and I still want to work from home for most of it. Maybe be in the office one day a week but I need to return to work. Everyone keeps telling me I need to return to work, I need to do something and feel productive and get out of the house or I'll go crazy. Of course I feel like if I leave the house I'm going to go crazy but you know I have to start somewhere a…I'm talking too much sorry I'm a little nervous," I apologize again.

"That's alright we would love to have you back even part time. You can come in any day you like when you're ready. I have several assignments you can do from home on your own time the article you sent was fabulous. I'll have Nora send you a packet later today if that's alright?"

"Yes that's great thanks Sir," I smile and leave his office.

"Hey does this mean you're back?" Ricky asks when he sees me.

"Part time anyway, I have to do something I think everyone is losing patience with me. Plus if I don't try something I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to and I'm not going to end up the crazy lady that sits in the rocking chair in her dead son's room for the rest of her life."

"Aww you're not going to be the crazy lady. You know it's okay not to be ready for this," Ricky says putting an arm around me and walking me to the elevator.

"I know but Adam and Paige are getting married in a few weeks and if I can't do this I don't know that I can handle a wedding, let alone bridesmaid duties," I tell him as the door dings open and Ricky comes with me on the elevator. "Drew and I spent Saturday night at a Bed & Breakfast; it was actually pretty nice until breakfast the next morning. Sitting around a table with these other couples that were talking happily and gazing at each other with love in their eyes, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to them; I didn't want to hear their stories about romantic weekends and anniversaries. I barely made it through that without crying and if I couldn't do that how am I going to watch two of my very best friends get married and get through a whole wedding with a smile on my face. So I figured work was a good trial run."

"You can do this, I've seen you face down murderers and corrupt politicians," Ricky tells me. We've reached my car now and he hugs me tightly.

"Thanks Ricky," I smile, "Steven is sending me over a packet later I might need some research."

"I'm your man; you want me to bring the packet over?"

"No it's about lunch time at Drew's school I think I'll go talk to him. Tell him about returning to work it will make him happy."

 **Update next Tuesday picking up with Clare surprising Drew at work.**


	9. I Miss My Life

**As usual Tuesday was my busiest day putting this chapter on the shorter side but I hope you enjoy it anyway.**

 **The whole chapter ended up being in Drew's pov.**

 **Ch. 9 I Miss My Life**

 **(DREW)**

"Are you busy Mr. Torres?" Principal Mueller asks opening my classroom door.

"No just cleaning up," I reply looking over to see the principal is with someone else. A girl, maybe twenty or so with long wavy honey blonde hair, she's thin but not rail thin and tall she looks like she's maybe 5'9.

"Drew this is Lisandra Palmer she'll be one of our student teachers next year. She'll be working in your classroom and Miss Marsh's classroom. She came by to fill out the last of her paperwork and I thought I'd introduce her to the teachers she'd be working with next year," Principal Mueller tells me.

"Oh great it's nice to meet you Miss Palmer," I smile.

"You too but please call me Lisandra," she replies just as Principal Mueller gets a call on her cell phone.

"Drew I have to go deal with something would you mind showing Lisandra around and bringing her back to the office?"

"Uh sure," I nod.

We all leave my classroom and I lock it up, I put my hand at Lisandra's back and guide her down the hall. I show her around and answer a few questions before returning my classroom where I find my wife leaning on the wall next to the door.

"Are you okay?" I question kissing her cheek as I unlock the door.

"Yeah I came to surprise you who was that girl?" Clare asks following me into the classroom.

"Lisandra, she'll be working here next year as a teacher's aide while she finishes school."

"Do you think she's pretty?" Clare asks as she begins helping me clean up.

Now I know what the look on her face was when I came to the door. I wonder how long she'd been standing there watching me show Lisandra around the school. I stop cleaning up and go over to her.

"Clare I would never cheat on you, the one time I came close I was so drunk I passed out. I only liked the attention from her because I wasn't getting any from you at home besides anger. I think Lisandra is pretty but I love you and I would never cheat on you," I assure her and she nods with tears in her eyes and puts her head on my chest clinging to my shirt. "Did you just drop by to see me and get out of the house or did you have something to tell me?" I question.

"I'm returning to work, mostly from home and part time at least for now but it's something," she says timidly.

"That's great Clare it's a big step, even if it's part time and mostly from home. I'm proud of you, really proud of you. Getting back to work will be good for you, it's been good for me. Why don't we go out to dinner to celebrate anywhere you want," I tell her.

"Okay," she says with a small smile.

"I'll finish here why don't you go home and get ready," I suggest and she nods. She starts walking for the door and I stop her, grabbing her for a quick kiss. Clare leaves and I go back to cleaning up when I hear the door open again. "Did you forget something?" I start to ask but turn and see Lisandra instead of Clare.

"I just wanted to say goodbye, was that woman I saw leaving your office your wife?"

"Yeah that was my wife Clare," I nod.

"She looked sad."

"We suffered a terrible tragedy fairly recently and it's been hard on both of us," I explain without going into too much detail as I barely know this girl.

"You know tragedy either brings you together or tears you apart. Well anyway Mueller said it would be okay if I observed the classrooms tomorrow since I have no classes so I'll see you tomorrow," Lisandra tells me before leaving.

I finish cleaning and hop in my car driving home, I find Clare in the washroom getting ready for dinner. She's wearing a blue and white dress and she's just getting her makeup on.

"You look beautiful, I'm going to change quickly and then we'll leave," I tell her kissing her cheek.

I change into slacks and a nice shirt and we leave, Clare wants to eat at her favorite Indian place so that's where I take her. We talk a little over dinner about what assignments she might take on at work and how much she'll go in. After dinner we return home, it's still pretty early and I have nothing to prepare for tomorrow so I sit down to watch TV while Clare goes upstairs. I find her on her laptop in bed when I go up a couple of hours later. I get ready for bed and she has the laptop off by the time I get in bed. I roll over and kiss her softly, she kisses me back and deepens the kiss. Our lips don't part and I begin to get turned on, I lift her nightie and caress her skin. My hand nearly reaching her breast but she pulls away from me.

"I can't, I'm not ready," she tells me pushing me away slightly and I sigh. "I'm sorry but we just lost our son and I just can't," she says as a few tears fall from her cheeks. Now I feel bad for making her cry and feel that way, I try to wipe her tears and she flinches away.

"It's okay Clare, you went back to work that was a big step if you're not ready to have sex yet that's okay. I'll just go take care of it myself," I tell her.

She nods and I go into the washroom, when I come out several minutes later Clare isn't there. She left a note on the bed saying she went for a drive. I try calling and texting but she doesn't answer either one. I don't know what to do but I'm not tired anymore so I get up and watch TV until she returns home a couple hours later.

"I was hoping you'd be asleep," she says locking the door behind her.

"Why'd you leave?" I question as she sets her purse down and sits next to me.

"Honestly I didn't want to see your face when you came out of the washroom. I felt bad for not being in the mood and you having to masturbate, and for pushing you away. It's not that I don't find you sexy or attractive anymore because I do, very much. It's just…I'm still hurting, a lot and it's hard to feel sexy or attractive or in the mood when I'm still in so much pain," she tells me while looking at her hands.

"I felt badly for pushing you, I understand that you aren't ready and I'm still hurting too. I guess we're hurting in different ways or it affects us differently but I'm still hurting and I miss Ezra every day. I know you don't feel beautiful and sexy but you are beautiful and sexy," I tell her taking her hand. She interlaces our fingers but still won't look at me.

"I also think I'm scared," she says quietly.

"Scared of what? Of me? Of sex?" I question confused.

"Of getting pregnant again, having another child and losing them too," she admits in a voice that's so timid and choked by tears that I hardly hear her.

It's not until she says it that I realize I have the same fear. I didn't even know that I had this fear but now that she's said it my chest seizes up at the thought. I'm terrified of her becoming pregnant again, going through all those months of the pregnancy and falling in love with a baby and then have that baby die. I don't know what to say, I can barely talk now that I realize I have the same fear.

I kiss the back of her hand and she puts her head on my shoulder. She's sobbing slightly and I let her sob while I hold her.

"I have the same fear," I tell her after a few moments. "We won't have sex until you're ready of course and when we do we'll use birth control."

"I know I'm just not ready, not yet. I can barely function for the day to day stuff right now."

"I know and it's okay, I'm not mad and you're doing good. I'm not exactly functioning yet either, I get through work and all and I get home. When I'm at school I often don't even remember to eat. For the rest I just sort of push it away, part of me feels like I have to, I have to be strong for you and honestly having to worry about you has allowed me to not…well deal with it."

"You don't have to worry about me, I'm okay I mean I'm getting better. I went back to work and everything."

"I know and I'm proud of you," I say kissing her forehead. "I think we should go to bed now, we both have to get up for work tomorrow."

Clare nods and we return to bed. We get in and fall asleep pretty quickly both of us waking to the alarm the next morning. I get out of bed and go to the washroom when I return to the bedroom Clare isn't in it. I find her downstairs making coffee and breakfast.

"We both need to eat before getting to work, even if I am working from home," she says.

"Looks great can I help?"

"No I can do it you go get ready for work," she tells me.

I kiss her temple and go upstairs, I get dressed and ready for work and when I come downstairs she has breakfast on the table. She sits and eats with me, that is she nibbles a little and sips her coffee and we eat in silence. She does kiss me goodbye and we wish each other a good day at work. I get to the school and open my classroom, a few kids arrive this early so when the door opens I expect it to be one of my kids only I find Lisandra instead.

"Can I help set up or anything?" She asks.

"I thought you were just observing?

"It doesn't mean I can't help."

"Nothing to help with right now."

"How are things with you and your wife?"

"I don't mean to sound rude but that's really none of your business," I tell her.

Before she can say anything else the door opens and one of my students comes in. I introduce the girl to Lisandra and ask her to show Lisandra around the classroom. She only stays in my class for the morning before going to observe one of the other kindergarten classrooms. I go straight home as soon as I'm done at the school and I find Clare cleaning, scrubbing the oven clean and it looks like she's been cleaning all day as the kitchen sparkles.

"Did you get any work done?" I inquire locking the front door.

"Yes I wrote my article and sent it off two hours ago and realized how very dirty the house is. I had no idea it was so dirty," she tells me while she continues scrubbing the oven.

"The house was not dirty Clare, it's like you went mega spring cleaning," I comment trying to pull her from the oven and she bats at my hand.

"It was filthy, it hasn't been clean in months," she replies.

I figure it's better not to argue so I take my stuff upstairs, I set down my briefcase and take off my shoes and socks. I return downstairs and Clare seems to be done cleaning the oven, she's standing and taking off her gloves. She's got oven grease, ash smudges and other spots of dirt all over her white shirt and sweat shorts she's wearing.

"Why don't you go take a shower and I'll get things…tidy up down here and start dinner," I comment.

"No I'll clean up and take a quick shower then make dinner," she shakes her head.

"Clare you don't need to do everything," I say but she's already cleaning up the cleaning supplies she had out. I begin to help her put everything away and she doesn't argue or stop me.

"I'll take a quick shower and make dinner," Clare tells me before running upstairs.

I watch her go and look around, the entire kitchen has been scrubbed clean, totally sanitized it could pass a hospital inspection. I just keep staring at it puzzled and amazed and honestly a little scared. It's like Clare was stolen and replaced with a cleaning robot or Stepford Wife. I'm so lost in puzzling over it that I don't hear the front door open.

"Whoa you guys get a maid?" Adam questions and I look over at him as he closes the front door.

"No it was Clare, she went back to work today and apparently after finishing her article decided the house was so dirty it needed to be scrubbed clean. I'm pretty sure the kitchen's never been so clean."

"So where is she?" Adam questions.

"Ran upstairs to shower before making dinner."

"So she started working again, scoured the entire kitchen and she's going to cook too?" Adam inquires cocking an eyebrow and giving me a slightly scolding look.

"It wasn't my idea, I told her not to clean or make dinner," I reply.

"Well maybe we should make dinner while she's in the shower so she can't make dinner at all," Adam suggests and I nod.

"Yeah good idea, what about Paige?" I ask while I look in the fridge to see what we have to eat.

"Having dinner with some girlfriends from work," Adam responds. Adam and I start cooking when Clare comes downstairs, she's freshly showered and in clean clothes.

"Hi Adam," Clare greets him, "what are you guys doing?"

"Making dinner you should relax," Adam replies and she blinks at him as if she has no idea what the word relax means.

"I said I would make dinner," she responds.

"I know but you did a lot today and we don't want you to burn out. Just relax, watch TV or something," I assert. She looks at us a second and then walks farther into the kitchen trying to grab a knife and chopping block but Adam stops her.

"Sit, relax," he orders her pointing to the sofa.

She gives up going to the sofa and turns on the TV and we continue making dinner. I get absorbed in what I'm doing and I'm not really looking at Clare but when I look back she's organizing the bookshelves that are on either side of the of the TV.

"Are you sure it was good for her to go back to work?" Adam whispers.

"It was her decision; she came to the school and told me that she was returning to work. She's part time and working mostly from home."

"She can't keep going like this," Adam comments but still keeps his voice down.

"I know, maybe it's just nervous energy from returning to work. She's being a little neurotic being back in the world. If it keeps up I'll talk to her, force her to stop working or cut back or something," I sigh because I really have no idea what to do if this keeps up.

"Well at least you'll have an extremely clean house," Adam smiles.

The three of us eat dinner and then Adam and I clean up while Clare finishes organizing the bookshelves. Adam leaves after cleaning up and I try to get Clare to watch TV but she's moved on to cleaning out the hall closet. When she finishes that she's finally tired enough to go to bed so I go upstairs with her. We get in bed and she falls asleep pretty quickly. When I know she's asleep I fall asleep. I wake up when I roll over and don't feel her in the bed, I sit up feeling her side of the bed but she's not in bed at all. The washroom door is open and there's no light on, I get up and check it anyway but she's not in there. I leave the bedroom and see a light on downstairs and that's where I find her, cleaning the downstairs washroom, in her nightie, and scrubbing it sparkling clean like the kitchen.

"Clare come back to bed," I yawn.

"I can't, I can't sleep thinking about how dirty the house is."

"It's not dirty Cl…"

"Yes it is," she bites back in such a venomous tone it makes me jump.

I don't want to argue and I'm not going to drag her out so I just back up. However I can't sleep now so I sit on the sofa watching TV. Clare finishes in the washroom and she's finally exhausted herself. She sits on the sofa with me and we both fall asleep. Waking up only an hour later when my alarm goes off, I groan but I can't call in again. I force myself up and go up to the bedroom to hop in a shower. When I come down Clare's not only up and dressed but she's making breakfast again.

"Clare you're going to kill yourself if you keep going like this."

"I'm fine; I have lots and lots of energy. For weeks I barely did anything but cry and sleep and now I have lots of energy and this house really needs to be cleaned. I might not be ready to have sex yet but I can cook for you," she tells me setting a plate in front of me.

"Yes I like the cooking part, even the cleaning the part but I don't want you to burn out," I comment.

"I'm fine, really Drew I just have all this energy and I need to clean," she insists sitting at the table to eat.

All the energy has given her her appetite back as she eats all her breakfast instead of just nibbling at it. I decide her need to clean is like my taking up MMA again; she's working out her aggression. At least she's not hurting people or trying to get herself hurt. Eventually she'll run out of rooms to clean or work it all out, so I decide the best thing to do is let her clean obsessively if it's what she needs. After breakfast I finish getting dressed and leave for the school. Lisandra is not in class today she was only observing yesterday. The day floats by and I do my best not to think of Ezra or Clare. I get home at five to find a roast in the oven, a salad in the fridge and Clare cleaning the living room from top to bottom.

"So did you work today too?" I question when she turns off the vacuum.

"Yes and Steven loved my article yesterday, I finished another one today had it done and edited by one. Then realized just how filthy the living room was. Do you have any idea how much dust and dirt was gathered behind the TV?"

"A lot I imagine, can I do anything to help with dinner?" I question.

"No it's all done the timer will ding when the roast is finished," she says as she begins moving things back having thoroughly vacuumed. I help her move the sofa back into place as the oven dings.

While Clare runs upstairs to put on fresh clothes and clean up a little for dinner I take the roast out. I take the salad from the fridge and set the table. We eat together talking about our days and it almost feels normal again. I insist on cleaning up dinner and force her upstairs telling her to relax. Only when I come upstairs I find her staring at Ezra's room, I don't think that's actually relaxing although she's not cleaning or cooking.

"You want to watch some TV or something?" I query and she doesn't respond.

I'm truly beginning to think she's been replaced by a robot because it's as if she's powered down. Just shut off and is not even mentally aware of anything. I really don't know what to do so I just leave her there, whatever process she's going through in her mind she must need. I go into the bedroom and do some things on my laptop for a while and after nearly two hours Clare comes in and gets on her own laptop. When I look over she seems to be doing research for her article tomorrow. We get ready for bed early but neither of us slept very much, we get in bed and she kisses me goodnight and then she keeps kissing. She's initiating so I let her take the lead but I'm getting turned on. I'm contemplating making a further move when she suddenly breaks the kiss.

"Ezra's room," she says.

"Not really what I want to hear when we're kissing," I comment.

"It must be just buried in dust, it's never been really thoroughly cleaned," she remarks and hops out of the bed.

She runs out of the room and I fall back on the bed with a sigh, "Great I wonder how long this cleaning stage is going to last."

 **Update next Tuesday picking up from about here probably.**


	10. His Death Must be Killin' Me

**Next week is September one shot week so there will be no long story or short story updates. Check the DeGrassi Saviors website for a fully calendar.**

 **Ten chapters! Thanks to everyone who reads and to those that take time to review so I know my readers thoughts, what they want to see more of and less of. I appreciate you all especially with how hard this story can be.**

 **Ch. 10 His Death Must be Killin' Me**

 **(DREW)**

After a few minutes I get up, I'm no longer horny so I just get ready for bed. Before getting in bed I go check on Clare, she's still in Ezra's room and she's actually dusting.

"Are you coming to bed?" I question.

"Soon I just need to finish dusting there's so much dust," she replies.

I'm not even going to try to argue, I still think this is like my MMA fighting and she just needs to work out some aggression. So I go to bed and fall asleep quickly. Woken up a few hours later when I hear the vacuum going, I look at the clock and see that it's a little after two in the morning. I get up and go into Ezra's room where she's vacuuming the floor, not only vacuuming but she's moved everything off the carpet and moved all the furniture that she could manage to move on her own.

"Clare," I call but she doesn't hear me over the vacuum.

She's moving really fast despite that she hasn't slept yet and it's two in the morning and as far as I know she didn't nap at all today. A new thought occurs to me, a less comforting thought than that she's just working out aggression. Drugs, maybe she started taking something, a narcotic either legal or not legal to help her cope. I know people have done it but I can't picture that with my wife. Clare is not the type to take drugs, not willingly. Still given her behavior it's something to be considered and while she continues cleaning I start snooping. I look through her purse, her desk, her dresser draws, the closet, under the bed, the kitchen, garage and everywhere else I can think of but find no evidence of drugs. I check our stash of emergency cash but it's all there. I even log onto the bank to see where Clare's been spending money or if she's taken out any large cash withdrawals but there's nothing, she's only used her card for gas. At this point I don't think it's drugs and it's better than Clare being depressed but it's still scary in it's own way. She's done vacuuming and I go in to talk to her but she's not in Ezra's room. I find her on the sofa, she exhausted herself into sleep and passed out on the sofa. I don't want to disturb her so I cover her with a blanket and go back to bed. It's after 3am now and I need to be up in a couple of hours. I fall right to sleep but still feel dead tired when I wake up to my alarm. Clare is still asleep and she needs it so I get ready quietly and grab my stuff leaving the house as silently as I can. I drive to the coffee shop down the street, grab breakfast and then head into work before calling my brother.

"What's wrong?" Adam yawns.

"Sorry forgot you'd still be sleeping," I apologize.

"It's okay what's up?" Adam questions again.

"Can you go by and check on Clare please I'm worried about her," I request.

"Yeah of course do you want me to go by now?" Adam says slightly more awake but his voice is still graveled by sleep.

"No she's sleeping and she really needs it. Whenever you can get over there but give her a few hours to sleep."

"No problem I'll stop by before I head into the station," Adam says.

I thank my brother and hang up. I'm pretty tired but I get up and straighten the classroom and prep for the day. The kids are excited about the end of the year and we spend the day doing art and end of the year projects. After making sure all my kids have been picked up or are on the bus or at after school care I return to my classroom and find a missed call from Adam, so I call him back.

"She's cooking, a lot but she said she was okay," Adam tells me.

"You don't sound convinced," I reply.

"She's…hyper, weirdly hyper. She says she just has all this energy now and maybe that is the case but I feel like something is up. I tried to get her to talk to someone again and she insisted she was fine. You know what she's like."

"Yeah, I wish I knew what was going on with her or that she'd talk to someone. I'm done here I think I'll just pack up and head home and keep an eye on her."

"Yeah good idea, I'll be done at the station in a couple of hours if you need me to come over again," Adam says.

I tell him thanks and hang up, quickly straightening so the janitor can clean, and packing up everything I need. When I get home I find Clare still in the kitchen.

"Looks like you've been busy," I comment.

"Yes, got a lot done and I'm making lasagna for dinner," she tells me.

"From scratch apparently," I remark noting the pasta maker on the kitchen counter. It was a wedding gift which Clare used a couple of times but it usually lives in the garage.

"It's better from scratch, everything is fresh and handmade, nothing but the best for my fam…"she begins to say family talking fast as she bustles around the kitchen but then she stops. She closes her eyes and takes a breath, "Nothing but the best for my husband." She said it slowly and looked up at me with eyes that were begging, but begging for what I'm not sure. I stand there stunned and when I don't respond she goes back to moving around the kitchen at a rapid pace.

"Clare frozen lasagna would have been fine," I say going over and putting my hand on her arm.

"No it wouldn't," she shakes her head.

"Can I at least help?" I ask deciding it's just better not to argue with her.

"Umm sure I still need to make a salad," she replies.

"I can do that," I smile and grab the vegetable drawer from the fridge to make a salad.

While I make the salad I watch Clare closely, she just keeps buzzing around like a hummingbird. Since I'm pretty convinced that she's not taking any drugs I go back to my robot theory. We finish dinner and Clare even makes fresh garlic bread and I find out she made pie for dessert. My mom didn't even cook like this and it's really scaring me, I like the cooking and the cleaning is even good but she's doing it with such vigor I know something is wrong. We eat in silence and then Clare starts cleaning the kitchen; I don't ask if I can help or tell her to stop I just help her clean. When we're nearly done the doorbell rings and we let Adam in. Clare stops long enough to hug him and goes back to cleaning.

"I take it she's still in robot mode?"

"Yeah non-stop there's homemade lasagna and garlic bread if you're hungry. I know it's better than her being depressed but I don't like this either. I need to get out for a bit, watching her like this is exhausting and painful in a way. Can you just hang out with her for a couple of hours? You can call Paige over I'm sure Clare will be all too happy to cook for you guys."

"Yeah no problem I'll stay maybe she'll talk this time," Adam says. I'd worry about Clare hearing us but she's so involved in cleaning she wouldn't hear us anyway. Adam and I have been near the door but now we go into the kitchen.

"I'm going to go out for a bit, I have to do some stuff at the school but Adam hasn't had dinner yet so he's going to hang out for a bit," I tell Clare and she stops cleaning and looks at me.

"You're going to the school?"

"Yeah just to prep some stuff for tomorrow and run a couple of errands I'll be back in a couple of hours," I assure her.

"I hear there's lasagna," Adam speaks up giving her a soft smile.

"Yeah and garlic bread and salad, blackberry pie for dessert," Clare nods.

"Sounds great," Adam grins getting his phone and sending a text to Paige.

I kiss Clare's cheek and get back in my car, I lied about where I was going and I know I promised not to anymore but I need it tonight. Watching Clare…well go crazy it's driving me crazy and since my other outlet, or at least the only one I can think of right now, is to have sex and that's not happening a quick MMA bout seems like the best plan to me. At least that's what I'm telling myself. I drive to the club taking my button up shirt off in the car I go in with my undershirt and jeans, not great for fighting but if I changed at home then Clare and Adam would have been suspicious. I sign up for a fight and get one after about half an hour, I take off my shoes and socks and get in the ring. I guess I have a lot of pent up aggression because after my opponent kicks me once I manage to slam him to the ground and pin him there. The ref calls it and I let my opponent up, he gets more aggressive pushing me into the chain-link fence that makes up the wall of the cage. Still I get the upper hand after a couple of minutes and pin him to the floor again, he stays and I win the match. I feel better now, much better and it's time to get home, hopefully Adam got Clare to talk or at least stop cleaning for a bit.

When I pull up to the house it's quiet and Clare's car is gone but Adam's is still here. I unlock the door and go inside, no one is downstairs so I go upstairs and Ezra's room looks like a hurricane hit it. Adam is in here picking up broken glass.

"What the hell happened? Where's Clare?"

"She took off after this. She's hurting Drew more than we realized. She's going insane and unraveling fast and we can't help her. She refuses to go to a psychiatrist or therapist or grief support group. She can't keep this up though she'll kill herself, which I think might be her intention," Adam says and my heart stops.

"You think she's suicidal?"

"Not consciously no but I think on a subconscious level she's maybe hoping or trying to kill herself because she's so consumed with grief, anger and guilt. She needs help Drew and she's not going to let any of us help her but I know someone that might help," Adam tells me putting a piece of paper in my hand. I look down and see a name and a phone number written on it.

"Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me."

 **(CLARE)**

"This is really good Clare, you'll have to give Paige the recipe although she's not one to make things from scratch usually," Adam says eating the dinner I heated up for him.

"I can still give her the recipe, you can use store bought noodles and sauce," I reply as I finish cleaning the kitchen.

"So did you get any work done today? Drew said you were up pretty late."

"Yeah I wrote an article, I mostly have fluff pieces, I finished in an hour and sent it to Steven. I'll be upstairs if you need anything," I tell Adam before returning upstairs to finish my earlier project. I kneel in the doorway picking up the screwdriver. Taking screws out of solid wood by hand proves harder than I expected and it's slow going. It becomes almost meditative, I begin to space out and just continually turn the screwd barely noticing when it falls out and I begin on the other one. After some time I get that one out and the hinge falls, the broken piece of wood swings.

"You're fixing the door?" Adam questions and his voice breaks me from my meditative thoughts.

"It's broken," I reply standing up to take off the top hinge.

"Yes it's been broken for a while, I didn't know you knew how to do this," Adam comments.

"I lived with Jake and Glen long enough to pick some stuff up. The door needs to be fixed, I got a new one."

"The room looks very clean," Adam remarks.

"I had to clean it; there was so much dust and dirt. At first I didn't want to touch anything I wanted it to stay as it was," I comment as I begin unscrewing the other hinge.

"Hang on there's an easier way to that," Adam comments and he runs downstairs. I hear him going into the garage and then he runs back up a moment later. He has Drew's power drill and Adam removes the top hinge in a couple of minutes, he takes the broken door down and sets it in the hall against the wall. Adam sees the new door and we hang it, I let him handle the power drill though. "You didn't want to touch anything because you wanted to keep the room as a shrine to Ezra. I get it and it's common for people suffering from grief," Adam remarks when we're done hanging the new door.

"But it's stupid, this was Ezra's room but he hadn't even slept a night in here when he died. It was never really his room, we brought him in here to change him and feed him sometimes but he spent more time in our room and the living room. He wasn't in here and it's stupid to enshrine something that was never really a part of him. He was in here enough though, in the rocking chair, a couple of naps, playing on the floor or in the crib when I needed my hands free for a moment. This room was so dirty, so dirty. There was dust and dirt and probably so many germs."

"Clare what are you talking about?"

"The house it was dirty really dirty Ezra probably got sick from playing on the carpet and it's my fault."

"Is that why you've been cleaning so much lately? You think Ezra got sick from something at the house?"

"It must have been, it had to have been he was barely going out of the house. I have to make the house clean, keep it clean. And Drew, he's…he deserves better, I can be better. I still love him, I still love him. I love him so much; I didn't mean to blame him for Ezra's death I didn't mean it. It was my fault not his, it was my fault. I can't have sex yet I just can't but I can be a good wife and th…"

"Clare stop," Adam says abruptly grabbing my arms. "Clare I think you need to see someone. We can find you a therapist that specializes in grief and there's support groups."

"No I'm not crazy and I'm not going to share my grief with other people suffering, with people that think they know what pain I'm in."

"Did you even hear yourself? Do you realize you're blaming yourself now? It was not your fault that Ezra died Clare i…"

"THEN WHOSE FAULT WAS IT BECAUSE MY SON DIED AND IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYONE'S FAULT!" I scream cutting Adam off. "He died and now he's gone and I stayed in this room weeping on the floor and trying to keep him here in some morbid memory and it's not my son. NONE OF THIS IS MY SON, NOT OF IT IS EZRA!" I scream and begin tearing apart the room.

I pull the crib tipping it over and then the rocking chair; I kick the changing table over and begin tossing clothes out of the dresser. Then I turn to the walls and begin ripping off the pictures tossing them like Frisbees at the other walls and they crash. Glass is breaking, I'm aware of it and I hear it, I realize how destructive I'm being but I can't seem to stop myself. When there's no more pictures on the walls I grab the shelving Drew put up and try to rip it off the wall.

"CLARE STOP," Adam yells grabbing my arms and pulling me back.

"I WANT MY SON BACK, I WANT HIM BACK AND NO ONE CAN GIVE ME THAT AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHY HE DIED! I WANT TO BE WITH HIM AGAIN AND I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. THERE HAS TO BE A REASON I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE JUST DIED! I HAVE TO FIX IT I CAN'T LOSE ANYTHING ELSE! I CAN'T DISAPPOINT ANYONE ELSE OR HURT ANYONE ELSE AND I HAVE TO…I have to…" I slow down; all the yelling is making it hard to breathe and I begin to feel dizzy. I look around at the destruction I made and begin to cry. "I ruined it, I ruin everything," I say just above a whisper and now the only thing I can think is that Drew will be angry when he gets home. He'll be angry at me and he'll yell and I need to be away, out of the house. I run out of the room, I grab my purse and the memory book and jump in my car. I drive a short ways, I begin to cry hard, so hard I can't see the road, I'm afraid I'm going to crash but a part of me, a little part of me wishes I would.

 **(DREW)**

"I'm going to call Clare first and find out where she is," I tell Adam putting the piece of paper in my pocket. I get out my phone and press speed dial to call Clare. It takes a couple of rings but she does pick up. She's crying and she doesn't say anything but I hear her sobbing. "Where are you?" I ask.

"Down the street," she replies.

"Are you coming home?"

"Later," she says and hangs up.

"Is she okay?" Adam inquires.

"She's down the street; I think she was crying too hard to drive. If she's not home soon I'll go get her."

"I think you'd better let me go get her. I'll clean up the glass in here first, the rest can wait. Make that phone call," Adam asserts.

"Yeah I'll do it from the bedroom," I nod turning around to go to our room and I notice the broken door has come down and there's a brand new door. "When did that go up?"

"Clare was trying to hang it herself and using a manual screwdriver."

I go into the bedroom closing the door and take the piece of paper from my pocket. I dial the number and take a deep breath waiting for an answer; this is going to be hard, very hard.

"Eli Goldsworthy," he answers. His voice hasn't changed and I get a picture of him bursting into the storage room just after Clare and I made love for the first time. He yelled after that, got pissed at me and Clare, he even hit me and that was the last time either of us saw Eli.

"It's Drew. Torres. Adam's brother," I keep explaining who I am because I hate doing this.

"Yeah I know who you are Drew," he says and there's a pause. He's waiting for me to say something and I'm thinking of what to say. "I heard about your son I'm really sorry," he says after a moment.

"Yeah that's sort of why I'm calling. Look I know you're busy but Clare's…well Ezra's death hit her really hard. It hit both of us really hard but I'm…coping better and Clare's sort of going crazy. She won't talk to anyone, she seems to be doing okay and then she breaks down again in some different way and it's scary. I don't know how to help her but Adam thought maybe you could because you went through something sort of similar. A long time ago but you did go pretty crazy afterward a…sorry I didn't mean it that way it's just…"

"I'll help," he speaks up before I can put my foot in my mouth again. "I'm in New York I can come by tomorrow."

"Yeah that would be great, I'll be at work until three at least but Clare will probably be home all day. Let me give you our address."

I tell Eli our address and hang up; I set the phone down and let out a breath. I wonder if calling Clare's ex was the right thing. Not just her ex but her first love, someone she lost her virginity to, had an immense passion with and an epic romance and I pretty much just told him I can't handle my wife. I told him that she's going crazy and in a way I feel like I just told Eli that I failed. I think about that day in the storage room eight years ago, Clare and I had just made love for the first time, we were still a little out of breath and just getting dressed again and Eli came in. He looked wounded and angry, he began yelling at her and I stepped in, he punched me and told her it was a mistake and left. I pretty much just verified that it was a mistake and he was right and then invited him to the house to help Clare where I had failed.

"Did you get ahold of Eli?" Adam questions from the doorway. I didn't hear him come in but I was pretty lost in thought.

"Yeah he's coming tomorrow to talk to her. I hope that was the right thing to do."

"She might talk to him and he's had his own experience with grief, it's not quite the same but I think he'll have some insights that we don't. You're not worried about him making a move on Clare are you?" Adam questions in an accusatory tone.

"No," I shake my head but I must admit I'm a little worried.

"Drew he's got a girlfriend," Adam tells me but it doesn't entirely make me feel better.

"Just when did you start talking with Eli again?" I ask my brother.

"I never really stopped, we've been in touch over the years but we'd go months without any contact. A few e-mails, facerange messages, a few texts. Clare stopped talking to him but I never did we just didn't talk as much. I invited him to the wedding but he'll be in India at the time."

"Did you tell him about Ezra?"

"No that he heard from his parents. Anyway I picked up all the glass I could find, we'll need to pick up some more of the stuff from the floor and vacuum but I should go down the street and check on Clare."

"Yeah I'll go pick up the stuff in Ezra's room and vacuum," I say getting up.

Adam goes downstairs and I go into Ezra's room looking around. I hope Eli can help Clare, I hope she talks to him and I hope he doesn't try anything. I begin carefully picking up the turned over furniture and everything and hope that Adam brings Clare back.

 **Don't forget it's September one shot week next week so no update. The next update for this story will be Tuesday September 8** **th** **. The update will either be picking up from Adam going to get Clare or with the following day and Eli's arrival.**


	11. No Turning Back on the Highway of Life

**Welcome back! I know it's been a long two weeks but we are back. Sadly because Tuesday's are just such long days it's a fairly short chapter.**

 **Ch. 11 No Turning Back on the Highway of Life**

 **(CLARE)**

I sit in my car staring out the window and my hands gripping the wheel. I'm not really thinking about anything just staring out the window. I'm brought from my trance when there's a knock on the window. I jump a little and look out the window to see Adam looking at me. I unlock the door and he goes around getting into the passenger seat.

"Are you going to come home?"

"I don't think I can drive right now," I reply.

"I can drive you home," Adam offers.

"I don't think I can face Drew," I tell him.

"What are you talking about?"

"I destroyed the nursery."

"Drew doesn't care about that."

"I can't Adam, I just can't not right now."

"I can drive you to my place then and you can sleep over tonight," Adam offers and I nod. "Okay move over I'll drive," Adam says. He gets out and gets his phone out, I move over and I hear him calling Drew. "She's okay but she wants to stay at my house tonight."

I don't hear Drew's response but Adam says he'll drive me home in the morning and pick up his car. I move into the passenger seat and Adam comes over getting in the driver's seat. He drives us to his place and unlocks the door; Paige comes out of the bedroom and smiles when she sees me.

"Clare's going to sleep her tonight," Adam tells her.

"Of course you're always welcome here Clare. I'll go set up the day bed in the office," Paige smiles.

I smile back as much as I can and get myself some water. Neither Adam nor Paige asks me why I don't want to go home or tries to talk to me about it which is good. Paige makes the bed up and I go to bed, being out of our house I'm able to fall asleep and actually sleep. Being away from all the chaos and the feeling that I need to clean and be better I can actually relax. I sleep through the night and in the morning I drive Adam and I back to my place since he needs his car.

"Call me if you need anything," Adam says hugging me before he gets in his car.

I tell him goodbye and go inside looking around at the house. All I see is dirt and germs and things that need to be cleaned. I start walking to the closet to get cleaning supplies when the doorbell rings. At first I think it's Adam coming back because he forgot something but Adam has a key. I look through the window but all I see is someone in black so I open the door.

"Eli!" I exclaim more than surprised to see my ex. We haven't spoken in years not since my senior year of high school and we didn't exactly leave things on the best of terms. I may be going slowly crazy but I haven't forgotten the common social courtesies like stepping aside to let him in.

"Hi," he grins while I close the door.

We stand there staring at each other a few seconds, unsure if we can should shake hands or hug. I finally give in and hug him, it only occurs to me once I'm embracing Eli that Drew would hate this. Yet there's something comforting and familiar about this, and soothing too because he's gone from my life for so long and hasn't been part of the recent chaos.

"I heard about Ezra I'm sorry," he tells me when we pull apart.

"Is that why you're here? That was over a month ago," I point out.

"It's sort of why I'm here, Drew called he's worried about you?"

"Drew called you for help?!"

"Yeah he's that worried and I know Ezra's death was over a month ago but it feels like just yesterday still doesn't it?"

"Yes in a lot of ways. But why did Drew call you? We haven't spoken in years," I comment as Eli takes my hand and pulls me to the sofa to sit.

"He thought I could help. It's not quite the same but I had to deal with Julia's death and you know how hard her death was for me. How it affected me and I blamed myself for her death."

"But Ezra's death is my fault," I say and then burst into tears. I can't stop it and I just keep crying, turning away from Eli and laying my head in my hands to sob. Eli lets me cry but puts his hand on my back and the gesture is comforting but not pushy, he's just letting me know he's there. I cry until I can't cry anymore, while I wipe my tears away Eli gets up and gets me some water.

"Why do you think Ezra's death is your fault?" Eli asks.

"Well it has to be someone's fault, they don't know why he died but he was so sick. He must have picked up a disease because the house was so dirty. All I see when I look at the house is how dirty it is and how I have to clean it so Drew doesn't get sick, I have to keep it clean and if I'd kept it clean then maybe Ezra wouldn't have died."

"Clare this is the cleanest house I think I've ever seen. You're obsessive cleaning it's like my hoarding; it's a response to the tragedy. I couldn't let anything go; I felt that if I let anything go I'd lose someone else because I let Julia go that night. It's a decision I can never take back and it took me a really long time to realize that in spite of my decisions that night I was not responsible for her death and there's little I can do to prevent other people I love from dying. I could no more stop Julia from running into the street that night, or stop the car that hit her, than I could stop you and Drew from falling in love or Gracie from being Adam. You can scrub your house clean over and over but it won't bring Ezra back, nor will it prevent you or Drew or other people you care about from getting sick again. Ezra's death was a tragedy but the chances that he got sick because you weren't cleaning enough are very slim. Even if he did you couldn't have predicted that. And how many new moms have time to scour every inch of their home clean? Very few them if any at all, not without having a nanny or a maid, babies are exposed to dirt and germs all the time and they don't get sick and die. Ezra's death is not your fault, it's not something you could have predicted and if it could have been prevented it's not something you could have known at the time. Did you willingly know Ezra would get sick and let him get sick?"

"No of course not," I shake my head.

"Did you make him sick?"

"No."

"Was your house filled with rats and roaches and so covered in dust and germs no one could breathe?"

"No but I…"

"No Clare, no buts you loved Ezra and cared for him and did everything you could and the best you could for him. It sucks that he died, you're angry and you feel like there's a hole in your life and it's never going to completely fill up again."

"I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm just losing my mind because I lost Ezra."

"I know, it's okay to go crazy and to be angry and even to feel some guilt that's all normal. It's not going to go away over time but you can't let your life stop and most important you have to figure out what's best for you. Don't worry about what others need or want from you, right now you just have to worry about yourself or you'll never even begin to heal. If you need to scream then scream, if you need to write or go for a drive, whatever it is as long as it's not hurting you or anyone else. Excessive cleaning can be harmful and it's unnecessary. You have to prevent yourself from cleaning and you have to want to stop, you have to find the reason to stop and put something else into your life. My reason to stop hoarding was you and I replaced the hoarding with drama club."

Eli stays for a few hours, we talk about loss and grief and ways I can cope. We catch up on our lives, talk about the old days and when he leaves I feel better in a way, at least I feel like I have some tools to help me cope. I still feel lost and like I'm going crazy but at least now I have some ideas. It also helped talking to someone who understood how I felt. I know Drew and I went through the same loss but it's like two sides of the same coin, he could cope and I couldn't. I need to think and I can't think in this house so I go walking, wandering aimlessly with no destination I'm just walking. I don't realize how long I'm out walking until my phone rings and I answer.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?"

"I went for a walk, I'm…" I stop and look around because I have no idea where I am. "I'm at 8th and West 48th."

"Were you walking to work?"

"No just walking, I needed to think and I didn't realize how far I'd gone. I'll catch a cab home or take the subway in a bit, something I have to do first. Are you okay for dinner?"

"Yeah no problem just get home soon okay?"

I tell him I will and hang up; as I start walking to the subway I call my boss. I talk to him for a while and by the time I'm on the subway home I have a plan. An experiment that might help me figure out what I need to cope and to start healing, really healing not pretending to be better to please everyone else.

When I walk in the door Drew looks over at me. I lock the door and walk to the sofa where he's sitting. We're both silent and waiting for the other to say something.

"Eli came over this morning thanks for calling him I know that had to be hard."

"Did it help?" Drew asks.

"Yeah it did, it helped me realize some things. I need to get out of here, I need to get away and Steven is sending me with Kevon and cover the CanGames in Ottawa this weekend," I tell him.

"Get away from what?" Drew asks with a tone strained by worry and fear.

"From everything Drew, from everyone I just need to get away from all of it. I can't think here, I don't even feel like I can breathe in this house. I can't be here and be able to think. I went from being in a hole so deep and black I couldn't see light to feeling like I had failed as a wife and a mom. Needing to obsessively clean because I think if I clean then you wouldn't get sick and if the house had been cleaner then Ezra would still be alive. And I know that's crazy but it's how I feel Drew. I need some space, the ability to think and I can't do that here. I'm not trying to get away from you; I'm not going away to cheat on you but this is what I need. We fly out tomorrow and we return Monday I'll only be gone a few days."

"If this is what you need then I want you to do it. Promise you'll call me, every night?"

"I promise," I assure my husband.

"Do you want some dinner?"

"No I'm not very hungry and I need to pack," I reply. I kiss his cheek and get off the sofa going upstairs. I pack a suitcase for the weekend and then take a shower. I'm sure that I won't get to sleep on my own so I take a sleeping aide and barely feel when Drew comes to bed.

 **(DREW)**

 _ **DINGDONG**_

"That's Kevon," Clare says before giving me a quick kiss goodbye.

She grabs her suitcase and I open the door. I've met all her co-workers at one time or another. Well not interns and things but all the reporters and editors and managers and such at company parties. I don't remember Kevon but he does look familiar.

"Hi Kevon," I nod to him. He's in his late thirties but with prematurely graying hair in some areas, a few inches taller than me and thin. I note the wedding ring on his hand, not that a wedding ring will stop him from cheating and I do believe Clare isn't going away to cheat on me but it hasn't stopped the fear of it from making thoughts go through my mind.

"Hi uh…sorry forgot your name," Kevon says but he doesn't sorry about it.

"Drew."

"Right Drew, don't worry I'll take good care of her," Kevon tells me.

"Sorry for crashing your trip last minute," Clare says to him.

"Don't worry about it these conventions are so big it will be nice to have second person to help me cover," Kevon smiles.

"I have to go we have to get to the airport, I love you and I'll see you Monday," she says giving me another quick kiss before she leaves. I watch them get into the cab and drive off and I really hope this trip helps her.

I grab my briefcase and lock up the house getting in my car and driving to work. I have to put Clare and everything else out of my mind to work. Concentrating on the kids and the activities of the day but when they're gone and I'm left with my thoughts I start to go a little crazy myself. It's too early to go to the gym so I go home to grab some food and change into some more appropriate clothes for the fighting. While I'm eating my cell rings, it's not Clare but it's Adam so I answer.

"Hey."

"Just thought I should check in since I haven't heard from either of you. I went to the house earlier but you were both out," Adam tells me.

"Eli helped her; at least she said he did so that was the right thing to do. She's on her way to Ottawa, actually she should be there, she's covering some convention with another reporter. She said she needed to get away, she needed time to think."

"And how are you doing?" Adam questions.

"I'm fine, still just coping. Actually I'm pretty tired I'm just eating an early dinner and I'll probably crash as soon as Clare calls."

"Okay well call if you need anything. You want to hang out tomorrow?"

"Yeah sounds good, call Owen and K.C. we can get an early dinner, a couple of beers."

"Cool I'll call you tomorrow," Adam replies and hangs up. I finish my food and take care of my dishes then Clare calls.

"Hi we just checked into the hotel. After we change and clean up a little we're headed back to the convention center. I'll call you tomorrow," Clare says when I answer.

"Okay I love you," I tell her.

"I love you too."

She hangs up and I go upstairs changing into sweats and a t-shirt. I drive to the gym and sign up for three fights. I lose the first fight but win the other two, I feel great when I leave and fall right to sleep when I'm home. I wake up late the next morning and only for the need to urinate.

"Ugh," I grunt when I try to move. I'm incredibly sore, I look at myself and see just how bruised up I am. "Mrrgh," I groan forcing myself up.

I go to the washroom and grab the Ibuprofen and the salve for bruises. I take four pills and start rubbing on the cream, when I can move again I go down for some ice. I stay on the sofa for the next six hours taking pain relievers and alternating ice with the bruise cream. When Adam calls to tell me we're all meeting at O'Malley's at six I know I better get moving. I take a bath as hot as I can stand and put on some lidocaine cream hoping it dulls the pain. Then I get in my car and park at the subway to take it to O'Malley's our favorite bar that's also about equal distance from all of us. I arrive first and sit in a booth, I don't plan to move much tonight.

Owen arrives next and then Adam with K.C., they all see me and sit down. We order a pitcher and watch the game that's on TV. It's almost normal, almost like it was before Ezra died. I don't move much, try not to show my pain and mostly watch the game and not talk. We hang out for about four hours and then I wait for the others to leave before I try to get up. When I get out to my car I see that I missed Clare's call so I call her back.

"Hey I called earlier," she says when she answers.

"I know I was at O'Malley's with the guys."

"Oh. Good. Well I should go I'm still working but I'll call you tomorrow night. I love you," she tells me and hangs up.

"I love you too goodnight."

Instead of driving home I drive to the gym, I'm still sore and I know I shouldn't be fighting but I sign up for one round. While I wait I take some more pain reliever and watch the other fights. My opponent is tough tonight, I get one good kick in and then he hits me in the upper chest. I wheeze for air, he kicks my stomach and I fall back. I feel my head hit the floor and then it all goes black.

 **He's not dead don't worry. The update next Tuesday will begin with Drew waking up in the hospital.**


	12. Feeling Like this We Just Can't Go On

**No cliffhanger this time I promise.**

 **Ch. 12 Feeling Like this We Just Can't Go On**

 **(DREW)**

My eyes struggle to open; my head is heavy and throbbing. I hear faint sounds but there's a buzzing in my ears. I blink my eyes a few times before my eyes finally open, the room is blurry and dark but I see a figure in the corner.

"Thank fucking God," I still can't see but it's Owen's voice I'm sure of it.

"Owen?" My voice is raspy and a little weak.

"Yeah it's me," he replies walking closer. "The doctors weren't sure you were even going to wake up again. I've been standing here for three hours staring at you and hoping you were going to wake up."

"What happened?"

"You got another concussion dummy. You were anonymously dropped at the emergency entrance. They thought you were in a bar fight but you were MMA fighting weren't you? After promising Clare you wouldn't do it ever again the second she's out of town you went back to fighting," Owen growls in an angry tone at me.

"Clare, does she know?"

"Yes she fucking knows she's your wife and your emergency contact they called her as soon as you were brought in and then she called me in a panic."

"Shit," I exhale.

"Yeah shit. What in the hell were thinking going back to fighting?"

"I needed it, it made me feel better."

"You didn't need it. Do you have any idea what you put Clare through? She lost a child and just as she's starting to see the light in the darkness she gets a phone call from the emergency room that her husband is in the emergency room. In the emergency room and possibly in a coma he may never wake from and if he does wake up could have brain damage after past concussions. She was hysterical, she could barely talk after all she's been through you did that to her."

"I lost a child too you know," I spit back.

"Yeah I know I saw how it hit you and I know what it did to you. I get that you're still grieving but you don't need to fight. Not street underground MMA fighting," Owen admonishes me.

"I did it made me feel better, it helped fill the hole. Clare needed to get away and I needed to fight."

"They are not the same thing. Clare needing to get away for a couple of days to clear her head and just get away from it all, needing to forget for a day or two that her baby died makes sense and it's not harmful to her or anyone else. Fighting with strangers, fighting without gear or safety equipment especially with the concussions you've had in the past is not only stupid but just plain self-destructive. You knew you were going to get hurt you wanted to hurt. Fighting wasn't filling the hole and it wasn't making things better it was just giving you a new kind of pain to concentrate on. You wanted to be hurt because you wanted to feel something other than grief or anger. If just hitting something made you feel better you'd have been satisfied with a punching bag or hitting the gym."

My eyes close and I turn my head to the side ashamed because I know everything he just said is right. I let out a breath but I have nothing to say.

"I'm gonna go tell the doc you're awake and call Clare," Owen tells me and his voice has softened now.

I hear him leave the room and I sink down a little more. I feel terrible, so much worse than before. Owen is right I went back to fighting for me even though I knew what it would do to Clare, and Adam too, but I didn't care. As bad as the bruises feel I can deal with this physical pain, I can control it in a way. Along with the pain came a high from winning or even landing a good punch and getting the other guy down. It was empowering in a way, I felt a sense of power back that I'd lost when Ezra was taken from me. I wasn't thinking about Clare or anyone just me, what I wanted and what I thought I needed. It was self-destructive and nearly was my destruction; I could have died or been in a coma for the rest of my life. Before I begin to picture what that might have done to Clare the doctor comes in.

"How do you feel Andrew?"

"My head is pounding, my eyes are little blurry still but other than that I just feel incredibly stupid," I reply.

"Considering what you've been through and your concussions in the past I'd say you got off quite lucky but let's have a look at your first," the doctor says.

He looks in my eyes and asks me some questions all of which I can answer. He tells me I'm very lucky that I didn't sustain any brain damage and lucky I woke up at all. He says I still need to be monitored closely and have a follow up once a week for the next two months to watch for possible swelling and blood clots and other possible side effects since I've had concussions in the past. I'm also being kept in the hospital for 48 hours, just because I feel okay and they can't see anything doesn't mean I'm okay, head trauma is tricky. By the time the doctor is done with me Owen is back in the room.

"Clare is coming home on the first flight tomorrow morning," Owen informs her.

"No tell her I'm fine and she can stay there," I reply.

"She was already trying to get a flight back and you know there's no way she's staying in Ottawa knowing you're in the hospital. I called Adam too he'll pick her up, he was going to come down and yell at you but I told him I already did and you need to rest."

"Thanks I'm sure I deserve to get yelled at more but my head is pounding right now," I comment.

"You should get some rest," Owen says.

"You can go home you don't have to stay here and babysit me," I tell him.

"Yeah I do I promised Clare I would," he replies.

I want to argue and tell him to go home but I'm already feeling my eyes close and feeling weak. My eyelids keep closing, after a few minutes they just won't open again and I fall asleep. When I wake again it's bright in the room and Clare is sitting in the chair next to my bed but Owen is gone.

"I'm fine really you didn't need to come home," I tell her.

"But you're not fine Drew, you could have died or slipped into a coma, had brain damage. You still might that's why they're keeping you here. You've had concussions before you know this Drew and you swore to me that you would never MMA fight again. How long did you even keep your promise?"

I turn away because I don't want to answer that.

"I feel like I'm going to break, I feel like we're breaking and I think we need some time apart. Adam will come get you on Monday morning, I called the school and told them you were in an accident and wouldn't be in at all next week so they can arrange for a sub. You'll be staying with Adam and Paige for at least the next week because I think it's better if neither of us are at the house right now and someone needs to keep an eye on you in case something happens."

"Where will you be?" I inquire.

"I'm staying with Jenna and K.C., and I'm going to stay with them until the wedding."

"You're moving out?"

"I need time Drew and space and obviously so do you. You lied to me about going back to MMA and you hid it from everyone. Something died in us when Ezra died and we need some space. We need to figure out what we want and what we need. I really don't think we can do that while being together in that house every day. When I'm there all I can think about is Ezra dying, all I can feel is the sorrow and grief from that. And not feeling good enough, feeling like if the house has even one germ you're going to get sick. Feeling like I'm not good enough and like if I'm not the perfect wife you're going to leave me."

"When did I make you feel that way? I never meant to make you feel that way," I tell her in a quick slightly desperate voice.

"I know that Drew, it wasn't you really it was everything. Ezra dying, my reaction, your reaction, our grief mixing together and not being able to help each other. Honestly I think we've been hurting each other, pulling the other down without meaning to. Why else would you feel like you needed to go back to MMA fighting or my obsessive cleaning or feeling like I needed to be the perfect wife. We need to be away from the house and each other and just take a breath," Clare says.

"But I love you."

"I love you too Drew but I'm not sure that's enough anymore," Clare tells me and my heart sinks. "Adam promised to keep me updated, don't go back to work until the doctor says it's okay. I love you," she says and kisses my forehead and then she's gone.

Clare leaves and I sink back into the bed, my eyes close a tear slips out and I wonder where it all went wrong. How does a love so strong and wonderful and bright like ours get so lost?

 **(CLARE)**

I open the front door and turn on the lights of the house; I take a few steps in before collapsing to the sofa in tears. I'm not entirely sure why I'm crying but I know this is right. I know that if we stay like this we're going to implode and break, break beyond the point of being able to be repaired. Something has to change, something has to happen and I'm hoping some time and space apart will allow us to figure it all out and heal.

I'm crying so hard I don't hear the door open but I feel the hand on my arm. I know it's Owen without opening my eyes. I turn to him and cry on his shoulder until there's no more tears to cry.

"I thought you might need help packing. Are you sure you want to do this?" Owen asks.

"Yes we need to do this we won't survive if we keep going like this. Help packing would be nice thanks," I smile wiping my tears.

Owen grins back and pulls me off the sofa, I grab suitcases from the garage and we go upstairs. Owen helps me pack my suitcases, it's not like I'll be far and I can come home if I need something else. I take Ezra's memory book and the piece of his baby blanket. Owen walks me out and I lock the door.

"We'll help keep an eye on Drew and we'll let you know if anything happens or if he gets worse. Otherwise we'll give you your space, call us if you need anything," Owen says after helping me get the suitcases in my car.

"Thanks and I will," I reply hugging him tightly.

I get in my car and make the fifteen minute drive to Jenna and K.C.'s place. I park and knock on the door and Jenna answers a moment later stepping aside to let me in.

"The guest room is all made up for you and here's the spare key," Jenna tells me.

"Thanks I promise not to get in the way," I say.

"You're not in the way you're welcome here," K.C. says coming out of the bedroom and putting his arm around my shoulders.

K.C. brings in my bags and Jenna makes us some tea. They spend the whole afternoon with me; I think just trying to keep me from going crazy. Adam calls when he leaves the hospital that evening to let me know that Drew's okay still. At first I'm thinking so much I can't fall asleep, picking apart every facet of mine and Drew's relationship. Trying to find the moment when we began to break apart. Was it when Ezra died? When he got sick, when we were lost in our grief so much we couldn't do anything? Maybe it wasn't a single moment but a cascade of many moments that had a domino effect and we cascaded into chaos without us realizing it. Eventually I become too tired to think and I fall asleep. When I wake up Monday morning it's late morning and both Jenna and K.C. are gone. I make myself some coffee and shower before I go into the paper.

"Steven wants to see you Clare," Deena tells me before I even sit down at my desk. I set down my purse and walk to Steve's office knocking on the door and he waves me in.

"Hi Clare I just wanted to check in with you after this weekend. How Drew's doing and how you're doing after everything? If you need more time…"

"No I don't need any more time Sir and I need to work. Keeping busy feels good, I'm sorry I wasn't able to cover the CanGames but I had no idea Drew would get a concussion."

"Of course not we realize that, I just don't want you to feel like you have to be here. You're an excellent journalist Clare I have a list of assignments you can have your pick," Steve tells me.

"Thank you Sir, I think I know which one I want to do next but I'll be staying in town. I don't think I need to do any more travel," I reply.

Steve nods and tells me to let them know what I need and I nod. I go back out to my desk and sit down, it does feel good to be back at work but I still spend most of the day thinking about Drew. When I can't take it anymore I text Adam and he tells me that Drew's still fine and being released in a couple of hours. I take a deep breath, telling myself that Drew's okay and he's not going to die.

 **(DREW)**

"Paige will be home in an hour, don't get off the sofa until then," Adam tells me before leaving for work.

"Dude will you quit babying me I'm not going to pass out if I do more than lay on the sofa," I admonish him.

"No you passed out in a fight because you were stupid enough go armature MMA fighting and got another concussion. Don't you think you had enough concussions when you were a teenager?"

"Adam please I've had all the lectures I can take, Owen lectured, Clare, Mom, Paige and you already lectured me the whole drive home."

"Yeah well we all love you and no one wants to see you die. Or end up in a coma or with brain damage," Adam scolds me again.

"Yeah I know and I feel stupid and awful about it. I'll lie on the sofa until Paige gets home," I promise him.

"Good, I'll see you when I'm home," Adam says before leaving.

I watch bad TV until Paige gets home, I'm not supposed to drive for several days and everyone but me thinks it's best if I don't go home for a while. I do a lot of thinking, I did a lot thinking yesterday and all weekend, well once I woke up anyway. I was supposed to be resting my brain but it didn't work, I had to make myself stop when I got headaches though. I know what I did was stupid and I regret fighting I regret ever thinking it was a good idea or that it felt good. I think a part of me wanted to get hurt, not just to feel the pain, and not as badly as I did, but wanted to be hurt. I don't know why maybe I wanted attention from Clare, or maybe from other people, attention that wasn't about my son dying. Or maybe I was trying to make Clare angry; I've felt like I've been building to an internal explosion for weeks. Watching myself at home and work, trying not upset Clare at home and trying to not let other people see how truly broken and upset I am. But I don't have to watch myself now everyone is watching me.

"I'm going to start dinner I thought I'd make spaghetti," Paige says when she gets home.

"Can I help?"

"No you lie on the sofa, if Clare finds out you've been up and doing stuff she'll kill me," Paige replies.

"Have you heard from Clare?"

"Not since yesterday but I'm sure you can call her," Paige says as she starts getting stuff out for dinner.

"No she asked for space and I think she's right we both need space. I'm going to take a shower."

Paige nods and I go back to the washroom, I get in the shower leaning my arm against the wall and my head on my arm. Three months ago I had it all, I was on top of the world with a beautiful wife, a job that I loved and a family that I loved more. A family completed by the birth of my beautiful son. Now my son is dead, I've missed more days of work than I can count, Clare and I are apart, we're not even living in the same house. My perfect life fell away, imploded or exploded and I wonder when I lost it all.

 **Update next Tuesday will probably begin with Adam and Paige's wedding.**


	13. One Begins and another Ends

**Unlike last night's chapter, where I wrote all of the wedding ceremony, tonight most of what the officiator says was taken from various sources online. Last night called for an original ceremony to be written but that is not easy to do, most couples spend weeks if not months writing ceremonies and vows where as I have a few hours to write each chapter. Besides which the couple getting married in tonight's chapter are not the main couple in this story.**

 **Ch. 13 One Begins and another Ends**

 **(DREW)**

"Tell them I had food poisoning," I say to Adam turning from the elevator to go back to my room but Adam catches my arm.

"Drew you're my Best Man and this is my rehearsal dinner you have to be here. Clare is going to be here but you aren't even sitting together."

"I haven't seen my wife in a monthand the first time I'm going to see her is tonight, with a bunch of people. We haven't even talked really, maybe we should have met privately first to talk."

"No I think it's better than you didn't. If you had met first and talked and it ended in a fight or tears you'd both be miserable at my wedding, more miserable than you are now. It will be fine she's nervous to see you too, let's just get through the rehearsal dinner and if you guys want to leave early to talk then you can."

I nod as the elevator dings and we get in. All I think about on the ride down is what to say to Clare. When the doors open and we start walking down to the garden terrace where the ceremony will be tomorrow all I can think of on the walk is what Clare might say to me.

"Oh good you're all here," Hazel grins when she sees Adam and I come in. Hazel was friends with Paige in high school and now she's a wedding planner and has been helping Adam and Paige plan their wedding. "Okay Dylan and Marco down the aisle first," Hazel commands. Dylan is Paige's older brother and one of Adam's groomsmen, Marco is Dylan's husband and one of Paige's best friends and he's Paige's only bridesman. They're both cool but they live in Europe and we hardly see them. "Now K.C. will escort Jenna followed by Owen and Clare then Drew and Ashley, followed by Adam and his parents then Paige and her parents."

We all get in order and walk down the aisle to music playing just like we will tomorrow for the actual ceremony. We reach the altar and the officiant goes through what he'll say but Adam and Paige don't say their vows yet. After rehearsing the ceremony we gather for dinner in the restaurant at the hotel. We get seated at a long table and either by design or not Clare and I are at opposite ends of the table and we can't talk. Tomorrow my little brother is getting married and I don't want to ruin that but I want to talk to Clare. She slips out before I can talk to her though, disappears from the table while I'm talking to Owen. I'm tempted to ask Paige for Clare's room number but decide not to because I don't want to spend tonight fighting and then have to spend tomorrow trying to be happy and together for the wedding. I go to my room but I can't sleep and I end up leaving to find a drug store and get a sleeping aid. The next morning there's a breakfast before we have to get ready for the ceremony. Having decided that it's best not to talk to her today and potentially ruin the wedding I decide its better just to avoid her.

After breakfast we all have to get ready for the wedding, the girls will take longer to get ready of course so we take our time eating. We get dressed in our suits and comb our hair; Paige's dad is getting dressed in here as well. Hazel knocks on the door and tells us it's time to take our places. We go down the aisle just as we did last night at the rehearsal dinner and then we take our spots at the altar. Paige is last walked by her parents; she kisses their cheeks and then takes Adam's hand.

"Welcome, friends and family! Today we celebrate the best of what it means to be human. Today we celebrate love," the officiant begins and everyone goes silent. "You were invited here to share this moment with Adam and Paige because you are the people who mean the most to them. The understanding and mutual respect that they bring to their lives together had its roots in the love, friendship, and guidance youhave given them. You are their community. They are honored to have you here. During this ceremony Paige and Adam will exchange rings. These rings are visible signs of their commitment to one another. As this ceremony proceeds we ask that you, Adam and Paige's community, take part in the warming of the rings. As each of you receives the rings, we ask that you take a moment to wish them health, happiness, and a meaningful life together before passing them on to the next person. When these rings come back to them, they will contain that which is priceless: your love, hope, and spirit."

I take the ring from my pocket, Ashley takes the ring from wherever she had it hidden and we hand the rings to Paige's grandmother sitting in the last seat on the right of the front row. When we take our places again the officiant begins talking again.

"Paige and Adam would like to thank each of you for being with them today. They know that making the journey took considerable effort for a good many of you and for this they are deeply grateful. Although many of you don't live right around the corner, you are never far from their hearts. You've shared in their best and their worst days, and you are an irreplaceable part of their yesterdays, their today and all of their tomorrows. A marriage needs the help of a community, of friends and family who will be there to stand by the couple during hard times and during happy times. Each and every person here today will witness the words that they will speak to one another and the vows that they will make. May we always do all within our power to support the union that will be made here today and to nurture the bond between these two people whom we love. Marriage is not a perfect beginning. It's not a clean slate. Marriage is a process. Marriage is growth. Marriage is a bold step into an unknown future. It is risking who we are for the sake of who we can be. We have all been shaped by those in our lives, take a moment now and give thanks for those in your life that are your community."

Many people close their eyes, others look around the room but I look only at Clare. I smile when I see she's looking only at me but look away when the officiator begins talking again.

"Adam and Paige are coming into their marriage with individual personalities and individual histories. They've already chosen each other for their family, and today they are choosing to celebrate what has already begun and will continue to grow for years to come. Look at one another and remember this. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you'll say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you'll say to the world: this is my husband, this is my wife. And now just before you say these vows to each other, I remind us all of what a vow is. A vow is a solemn promise, a pledge that binds. A commitment of heart, mind, soul and body. A commitment that recognizes this as the most important of human relationships, above all others. To give and to receive such a commitment is one of life's greatest gifts. Paige and Adam, please join hands as you prepare to make these vows of love to one another."

"Paige you are the love of my life. You accepted me and loved me for who I am, you've been there for the final steps of my transformation. We have been through a lot, laughed a lot, cried a lot and through it all we have always been each other's strength and support and shoulder to cry on. I love your determination, your brashness, your loyalty, your kindness and generosity. I love you more than anything, more than I can express and I know the love we share on this day is only the beginning because my love for you will only grow.

"Adam you were not my first love but you are my last and true love. You have so much inner strength it gives me strength. Your smile lights every room and lights my life. You are a peacemaker and always know how to quell my anger. I love your sense of humor, your intelligence, your loyalty, caring and generosity. You make me happy; you bring a smile to my lips every time I see you. My love for you knows no bounds and I know our life together will be filled with joy and love. And even in times of sorrow and hardship we will give each other strength. I love you Adam, today and forever."

"Please bring the rings forward," the officiator says and someone from the back row brings the rings forward. "Wedding bands are visible, tangible symbols of a couple's commitment and of their emotional and spiritual connection. Love comes from humble beginnings, made by imperfect beings. It is the process of making something beautiful where there was once nothing at all. Paige and Adam let these rings serve as a reminder of the feelings you have in your hearts at this very moment. There are times in life that we tend to focus on the things we have not yet accomplished, there will also be times of great loss. Yet as you look at your wedding band, remember the great gift that you have been given and all that you have in one another. Remember that you have someone to share this life with. Never again will you walk alone. Please present the rings to one another."

"Paige, will you love, support and challenge me, and be my closest friend, confidante and companion?" Adam asks.

"I will," Paige smiles.

"I give you this ring as a sign that I choose you to be my partner and my best friend, until the end of my days. Wear it, think of me, and know that I love you," Adam says with a wide grin as he places the ring on her finger.

"Adam, will you love, support and challenge me, and be my closest friend, confidante and companion?" Paige asks and of course Adam says he will. "I give you this ring as a sign that I choose you to be my partner and my best friend, until the end of my days. Wear it, think of me, and know that I love you," Paige smiles putting the ring on Adam's finger.

"Paige and Adam, having witnessed your vows to each other with all who are assembled here, and by the authority vested in me, I announce with great joy that you are married. You may now share in your first kiss as husband and wife," the officiator says and we watch Adam and Paige couple their lips in a passionate kiss. "Friends, it is with great pleasure that I present to you, for the first time as husband and wife, Adam and Paige."

Everyone cheers and claps, Adam and Paige face everyone with a smile and then the procession follows them inside. The reception is in a ballroom in the same hotel, a large ballroom with a grand outside terrace allowing for beautiful views and outside air on this warm summer day. Adam and Paige stand at the doors and greet all the guests as they come in. Everyone is in and seated, we eat and then Paige and Adam share their first dance as husband and wife. Paige then dances with her father then our dad while Adam dances with his mom and then Paige's. Pretty much everyone gets up to dance but Clare and I remain seated until she gets up and comes over to me.

"May I have this dance?"

I smile and take her hand as we go out to the dance floor. It's a slow song and I put my arms around her, her arms go around my neck. Our eyes lock and I see in her crystal blue eyes that she has a million things to say just as I do. Neither of us says anything however and she just puts her head on my chest. We dance through the song before Adam cuts in and I dance with Paige. Then Clare dances with Owen and I dance with Mom. Then we dance with a few more people before it's time for cake and then there's more dancing. The videographer interviews people and asks them to say something to the happy couple. At sunset Adam and Paige take one more dance, then she throws her bouquet which is caught by her cousin and Adam throws the garter which is caught by Paige's co-worker. Then Adam and Paige say goodbye to leave for their honeymoon. With them gone the guests begin to trickle out, I look around the room and find Clare out on the terrace. She's sitting on the cement railing in the corner with a glass of champagne in her hand.

"Hey," I venture. This feels strange, she's my wife, we've been married for two years, in love for eight and all I can think to say is hey.

"Hey," she replies back.

"Can I sit?" I ask and she motions next to her so I sit.

"Adam told me you've been doing well," she says.

"Yeah I guess so. I've been busy with the end of the school year and wedding stuff. I do confess being out of the house all together I've been a lot happier. I've felt…" I pause a minute trying to think of what I want to say and how to say it.

"Less heavy, not weighted down and like you can breathe?"

"Yes, yes exactly."

"And happier, we both have I know we have because I've been checking up on you. The thought of going back to that house is…I can't live there anymore Drew. I can't live at the house anymore and I want a divorce."

"What?"

"We've both been happier apart Drew, you can't tell me you haven't thought about it," she replies.

"Only passing thoughts I di…"

"But you've thought about it. The last month we've both felt good, like we can breathe and we've been happier. It's the first time I've felt like I haven't been swallowed by grief. I love you Drew and I always will but we can't get by on love this isn't a fairytale. I started going to a grief support group. I don't really think it helps and I don't know if I'll keep going but I've learned some things. Many of the people have lost children and most of them broke apart. Only two of the couples in the group that lost children are still together and they don't come to counseling together only one parent does. Most of the couples separated or divorced soon after the death of their child. The ones that didn't stayed together for other kids, or their spouse and they ended up hating each other and resenting each other and divorced years later with complete animosity for each other. I don't want that to happen to us Drew. I don't want to hate you or resent you. We have all the same friends; I don't want to avoid gatherings because I'm afraid to see you. I don't want to lose you from my life and I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all. I know it's going to be hard but I truly believe it will be what's best in the long run. I think we should sell the house and each get our own apartment."

The more she talks the more tears roll down her cheeks. I'm shocked and I can't even talk, I just stare at her. As much as what she just said is painful to hear and it stabs at me I know it's true and she's right, and knowing that is what makes it so painful.

"I don't want that either but a divorce? I don't want this to be the end of us."

"Neither do I but we have to face it Drew, we can end it now and salvage a friendship or end up hating each other. We can go through the motions and try counseling but I don't think that's the answer do you?"

I think about it a minute and picture us in counseling. I picture us talking and then fighting and then crying and spending a lot of money and time for us to decide we still need time apart. Divorce feels like defeat and I hate defeat.

"No counseling isn't the answer; I don't think that will work but divorce seems so...final and I don't want to give up on us."

"But it's not giving up on us Drew; it's giving us a fighting chance. If we stay together, if force ourselves into this we end up resenting and hating each other. If we're friends and we talk, see each other and still love each other then we do have a chance. We've crumbled Drew, we're in pieces and we're not going to rebuild if we're spending every day just trying to keep our heads above water. If you're walking on eggshells around me and have so much anger built up in you that you have to go fight strangers underground. If I feel like I have to be the perfect wife and clean until my fingers bleed because I'm afraid that you'll get sick and die otherwise. We need time and space, more than a month of it and lives that belong only to us for a while."

"You're right, I know you're right but it hurts."

"I know it does but it's going to hurt a lot more if we end up hating each other. I'm going to the house tomorrow to pack up my stuff. Jenna and K.C. said I could stay with them until I find my own apartment," Clare tells me and I nod.

"What about the stuff that is both of ours, gifts and things we bought together?"

"I'll mark what I want, you do the same, you should take your bear. If there's anything we both want to keep we can discuss it. We can sell or get rid of a lot of it I think. I'm leaving Monday for an assignment. I'll be in Niagara Falls for a week, with school out and the wedding over it should give you plenty of time to go through the house."

"Yeah," I nod. We're silent for a moment and then she leans over and kisses my cheek.

"I do still love you Drew," Clare says before getting up and going inside.

I sit there staring into nothing for I don't know how long before getting up. I drive back to Adam and Paige's place; I have it all to myself since they're on their way to Benelux for their honeymoon. The first thing I do when I'm in the house is grab the bottle of Jack and sit on the sofa and start drinking. On the day my brother's marriage begins mine ends and if that's not a reason to drink yourself into a stupor I don't know what is.

I drink myself to sleep and then Sunday morning I go get more liquor and spend most of the day drinking. I drink myself to sleep again but when I get up Monday I'm not drinking anymore. I eat a little and then drive to the house, my house at least for a little while longer. There's a note from Clare on the kitchen counter, next to the note is Clare's memory book. I pick up the note and read it.

 **Drew,**

 **This memory book is yours I made it for you so that you have one too. There's another box of photos on the coffee table I made copies of every photo so we wouldn't have to fight over them. I marked everything I want if there's anything you want too that I've marked put your name on it. I'll return on Sunday night. Anything not marked you can take. Anything left when I return I'll assume we can sell or get rid of.**

I open the memory book and tears starting coming from my eyes. I flip through the first few pages and then the tears turn to anger. I close the book pounding my fist on the counter. Then I get up and start pulling the dishes and glasses from the cupboards and letting them break as I scream angrily.

 **I know it looks pretty hopeless but they're at the bottom looking up. The update next Tuesday will include part of Clare's trip to Niagara Falls and her return home.**


	14. This Song is Over

**Don't forget to check out the DeGrassi Saviors website and go to my page for daily pictures and clues, and my writing schedule through December. Also if a chapter will not go up that day for any reason I will post that where the daily clue goes.**

 **Ch. 14 This Song is Over**

 **(CLARE)**

"Clare?" A surprised voice says and I look over smiling a little when I see that it's Fitz.

"Hi," I reply motioning to the empty seat next to me so that he'll sit down.

My week in Niagara Falls was almost over; I'd been here on assignment with Kevon covering another convention. It was a way to get my mind off everything and give Drew time to go through the house.

Fitz sits down and I order another drink for both of us. It's good and yet strange to see Fitz after all this time. We were never particularly close and he just sort of disappeared but he seems to be doing pretty well now. There's something almost comforting about seeing him after so many years. Someone that doesn't know the past several years of my life, someone that doesn't know the sorrow and pain I've gone through. Someone that just remembers the sixteen year old Clare and right now a part of me feels sixteen again and I like the feeling.

Fitz and I make small talk, I find out that he lives here and works at a casino. He was in a long term relationship that ended a few weeks ago. I tell him that I work for a newspaper and I'm here covering the convention. I tell him that I'm married to Drew but we're in the process of a divorce. I leave out the why, and Fitz doesn't ask, and I don't talk about Ezra.

"My place is pretty close you want to come over?" Fitz asks after a lot of small talk and two more drinks.

"Yeah that would be nice," I grin.

Fitz pays for all our drinks and we go out to his car. While we drive to his place he tells me that he likes the bar at the hotel better than any of the town bars and he goes once or twice a week. When we go up to his apartment he offers me a drink and I ask for water before sitting on the sofa. He brings me a glass of water a few minutes later and sits next to me.

"You look just the same as I remember," he smiles.

"So do you, more handsome though you grew into yourself."

He grins and I set my glass on the coffee table. My eyes lock with Fitz and we lean in, our lips join, smashing together and there's an instant heat between us. I run my nails along the base of his neck and our kiss deepens. He leans me back and I grip his shirt. The heat between us is about to ignite, I'm beginning to lose all form of thought but not emotion. I become overwhelmed with a guilty sick feeling and push Fitz away from me.

"Fitz stop. I'm sorry I can't do this. A part of me really really wants to but I'm still married to Drew, I only had the divorce papers drawn up Monday. Doing this now would be cheating and I can't do that to Drew. I'm really sorry about this, I saw you after all these years and emotions got away with me and sensation. I didn't mean to lead you on, I fe…"

"Clare it's okay," Fitz grins as we sit up again. "Come on I'll take you back to the hotel," Fitz tells me and I smile. I fix my clothes again and grab my purse and he drives me back to the hotel.

"It really was good to see you again, I felt something that I'd thought I'd lost," I tell Fitz before getting out of the car.

I go up to my room and take a hot shower then I get ready for bed, find a movie on TV and fall asleep halfway through it. I wake to my alarm and pack up then meet Kevon to have breakfast before we fly home. The paper sends a car to pick us up and take us to the office, we put in a couple of hours and I take the subway to K.C. and Jenna's where I'm temporarily staying. K.C. seems to be out but Jenna is home when I get in.

"How was the trip?" Jenna asks.

"Good, enlightening in some ways. I saw Fitz; he lives there and works there now. He hasn't changed at all. That is he looks just like he did in high school but more grown up, he's matured a lot. It was good to see him, almost too good I went back to his place," I admit.

"Did you…" Jenna begins but I cut her off.

"No but we almost did. We got very close but I stopped it and I felt guilty. I'm still married to Drew and I won't cheat on him, I still love him."

"If you still love Drew that much are you sure about the divorce?"

"As much as it hurts yes I'm sure. I see these people in group, couples that lost a child a decade ago and haven't moved past it. The child's room has never been touched. They stay together for another child that they can barely look at. One man divorced his wife after five years when she could barely leave their son's room; she just sits in the rocking chair. I used to do that, I used to sit there and not move and be pulled into the depths of grief. I can't stay in that house or stay married to Drew, we need a clean break, both of us do."

"As long as you're sure. I hear Drew found an apartment, something he's subleasing through a co-worker," Jenna tells me.

"Good I'm glad he found a place, I'll start looking in the morning."

"No hurry you're welcome to stay here as long as you need. K.C. is going to be home soon I'm going to start dinner.

"I'm going to unpack you want help with dinner?"

"No that's okay you relax," Jenna replies getting up and going into the kitchen.

I take a shower while Jenna starts dinner because I always feel like I need a shower after travel. By the time I'm out K.C. is home and I tell them both about my trip, I know he'll probably tell Drew about my encounter with Fitz but nothing happened, I stopped it before it did. Ricky and his boyfriend are coming with me to the house tomorrow to help me pack up and get stuff out. Ricky's cousin is a real estate agent and offered to put the house on the market and get it cleaned up and all that. K.C. and Jenna offer to come and help too and that way we can get it all done in one day. After dinner I go to my room and spend the evening looking at apartments for rent. By the time I go to bed I've applied to several places.

I wake up fairly early Sunday morning and the three of us leave to meet Ricky and his boyfriend Julian for breakfast. I treat everyone for breakfast before we head to my former house to pack up. When I open the front door the living room looks like a tornado hit it.

"Whoa I guess Drew didn't take moving too well," Ricky comments as everyone else comes in.

"I knew he would be angry I wasn't expecting this. Can you guys start cleaning up down here I'm going to go upstairs and start up there," I tell the others.

"You want any company?" Jenna asks.

"No I need to go look at the bed rooms alone first," I reply.

"Come get us if you need anything," K.C. says and I smile.

I walk upstairs slowly, mostly because I'm afraid of what the bedrooms look like. I start with our bedroom, he took what he wanted, which wasn't much, and didn't put his name on anything I wanted. Unlike the living room it isn't trashed, he even folded the bedding. The divorce and moving out of this house was my idea and I wholeheartedly believe it's the right thing to do it hits me that it's actually happening. I sit down on the bed and tears start flowing from my eyes in torrents. I sit there for a while, on the bed we once shared, crying so hard my whole body is shaking. Eventually I stop; just as rapidly as the tears began they stop like someone turned off the spigot. I get up and wipe my eyes before I begin piling the stuff I want to keep on the bed.

Leaving our room I go to the nursery, it should have been Ezra's room, his little sanctuary and space to make his own. Instead he spent maybe a total of 3 hours ever in this room between diaper changes and feedings, perhaps a few minutes in the crib here and there so I could get things done. Now our son, this beautiful, amazing person that we created and was a piece of each of us and now he's reduced to things and memories. Drew took his old bear and a couple of other things but the rest is still here. Aside from the memory book there was only a couple of things I wanted from Ezra's room, a couple of gifts from people that are particularly special but I don't want the rest, I want to get rid of it all. It doesn't remind me of Ezra it only reminds me of how we failed, how we lost our son and no one could explain why or do anything about it. I grab the few things I do want and put them on the bed in the bedroom.

"Here's a few boxes, we got downstairs cleaned up and we're starting to pack everything. Do you want help up here?" Jenna questions setting to boxes down.

"No I can get it; there isn't much I want to take."

"Okay Ricky and Julian are going to take pictures of the stuff to put online and sell, some we'll donate and the rest we can do a yard sale for next weekend. Julian said we could have it at his house he's already posting about it online."

"Thanks K.C. I'll pack up what I want to take."

K.C. gives me a kind smile and goes downstairs again. I pack up what I want to keep in one box and then lie down on the bed. I guess crying tired me out because I fall asleep and don't wake up again until I feel a hand on my arm.

"Are you okay?" Jenna asks.

"Yeah just really tired," I reply sitting up.

"Why don't you go back to our place and rest we can finish up here," Jenna suggests.

"Yeah thanks, I'm really fatigued and kind of sore," I reply.

"We got things covered here don't worry about a thing."

I hug Jenna and we go downstairs, Jenna tells them all I'm going back to rest and I say goodbye to everyone. I get in my car and drive home feeling oddly tired and my back is sore. When I get back to Jenna and K.C.'s I draw a hot bath and check my e-mail while I wait. I find that I have a reply from one of the apartments I applied to saying I can come look at the apartment tomorrow.

 **(DREW)**

This muggy and hot day in July was made all the worse when I was served divorce papers this morning. I looked them over several times, I wasn't going to contest anything there really wasn't anything to contest. Clare wasn't asking for alimony, we'd split the sale of the house and the possessions. After reading them over again and again I signed them. I knew it was the right thing, Clare was right if we stayed together we'd resent each other, we needed to heal and that was not going to happen staying in that house or staying together, as much as I didn't want to admit it. Since Ezra's death we'd both taken on harmful behaviors. I'd gone back to MMA fighting and I wanted to be hurt. Clare took to cleaning obsessively and trying to be the perfect wife.

With the papers signed I put them back in the envelope they were delivered in and get in my car to take them to Clare myself. I know from K.C. that she signed the lease on her new apartment on Saturday and they moved her in that day. I have the address but I haven't gone over yet I was afraid she'd tell me to get out. I drive to Clare's new apartment building and park out front taking the elevator to the third floor and going to Clare's apartment.

"Clare it's me," I call through the door knocking on it at the same time and the door opens as I knock. It wasn't locked; it wasn't even closed all the way. "Clare why wasn't the door locked? You know that's not safe. Clare?" I call in but there's no answer.

There's only one hallway so I walk back to the bedroom. The bed is set up but most everything else is still in boxes. Clare sits on the corner of her bed just staring into space, exactly as she did right after Ezra did when she sit in the rocking chair and stare into nothing. She has the same despondent, hopeless look on her face and blank eyes.

"Clare didn't you hear me calling? Why was the door unlocked?" I question but she doesn't move, she doesn't look at me or make a noise it's like she's in a whole other dimension but I can still see her.

"Clare what's wrong?"

Still nothing, no movement, no sound, she's no acknowledging that I'm here she doesn't seem to notice me at all. It's like she's gone catatonic all of a sudden. I walk further into the room until I'm standing next to her.

"Clare," I say putting my hand on her arm.

As if I just pulled her up from the water she takes a deep gasping breath and looks over at me. Her eyes are open wide and her heart beating so fast I can hear it from here. She seems to shaking slightly and lets out a breath.

"I came to bring you the divorce papers. What's wrong?"

"I relapsed," she tells me in a frightened whisper and my heart stops.

After telling me this she sinks to the floor and begins bawling, crying hard and desperate tears. I catch her in my arms and hold her tight, sitting with her on the floor as she cries. All I can think is I can't lose her, losing her to cancer and losing her to divorce are two different things. If I lose her to divorce she's still alive but if I lose her to cancer, if she dies I'd never see her again, I wouldn't have her at all.

"When did you find out?"

"This morning," she says through her tears turning into me a little more. "I'd been tired and hurting; I thought it was all the emotional stress or that I'd caught something while traveling. I went to the doctor on Friday just to see, they said it wasn't the flu, they took some blood, I'm in the early part of stage three. They want me to check into the hospital in a few days for treatment. They told me to get my affairs in order first. I'm so scared Drew, I can't do this alone. I'm not as young or as strong as I was when I was seventeen and that was only stage two."

"You're not alone Clare, you won't go through it alone. I'll take care of you; I'll get everyone to help. You are not alone and you can beat this, I know you're strong enough. I can't lose you and Ezra both. What hospital are you going to? Which doctor did you see? I want to talk to the doctor and find out everything we can do."

"There's a cancer clinic in Manhattan that specializes in relapse. Dr. Shaye is a consulting doctor there and he got me a spot. I don't even know how to begin putting my affairs in order."

"There's six more weeks before I have to go back to work I'm coming with you to the clinic. I can maybe transfer schools, even if I have to commute it won't be so bad but I'll be there with you every day."

"I can't ask you to do that Drew," she shakes her head.

"I'm your husband Clare I'm going to be there with you."

"What about the divorce papers? Didn't you sign them?"

"Yes but you haven't and we haven't filed them, unless you want to file them still? I love you Clare," I remind her.

"I love you too and I need you," she says gripping my arm.

"Then these don't exist," I say taking the divorce papers from the envelope and ripping them in half. "We can call the lawyer in the morning and tell him we changed our minds. I'll call the doctor and the clinic, I'm going to be by your side for everything and we will get through this," I assure her taking her chin and tipping her head up before taking her lips in a soft kiss.

"I love you Drew, I never stopped."

"I know I love you too."

 **Update next Tuesday will start from around here and include them telling everyone.**


	15. After All We've Been Through

**Mary I don't know if you read this one too but I replied to you on my profile page.**

 **This whole chapter ended up in Drew's pov.**

 **Ch. 15 After All We've Been Through**

 **(DREW)**

Clare cries a long time, sobbing hard until it exhausts her so deeply that she falls asleep. I move her off of me gently and set her down. If I pick her up and move her to the bed she might wake up and she needs to sleep, her body needs the rest. So I take the pillow from her bed and place it under her head and take the blanket covering her with it. Then I quietly leave the bedroom for the living room taking my phone from my jeans and call Adam.

"Hey bro are you okay? Do you need to go get a drink?" Adam asks when he answers.

"I am not nearly okay but not for the reason you're thinking and I can't get a drink right now. We're not getting divorced," I tell my brother.

"That's great news so why do you sound so despondent?"

"Clare relapsed," I inform him and I hear my brother's breath catching in his throat. "She found out this morning. She's already in stage three and she's supposed to check into a clinic in Manhattan in a few days but was told to get her affairs in order first."

"Jesus," Adam exclaims.

"She's terrified but I'm going to be there for her every step of the way. I tore up the divorce papers and I'm going to Manhattan with her. I have six weeks until school starts up and I'll see about finding a job in Manhattan but I'm not leaving her. There's a lot to do and my head is kind of swimming right now. I need to call her doctor and the clinic, she needs a will, we both made them when she got pregnant with Ezra but it probably has to be amended now, can you ask Dad about that? And her lease, her lease will need to be broken. Can you call everyone and let them know what's going on please?"

"Yeah of course, I'll call Mom and Dad first and ask Dad about the legal stuff then I'll call everyone else. Where's Clare now?"

"Asleep in her room, she fell asleep crying I'm just in the living room. I need to call her doctor and I want to do it before she wakes up."

"Call if you need anything, I'll call Mom and Dad right now," Adam tells me and hangs up.

I find Dr. Shaye's card on the counter and enter the number into my cell phone. He doesn't answer but I leave a message saying who I am and why I'm calling. I look around her apartment to see what needs to be done. She hasn't unpacked yet and there isn't much to clean, it shouldn't be too hard to move her out again. I even start packing what little is out back into boxes when my phone rings and I recognize the number as Dr. Shaye's office.

"Hello?"

"Drew this is Dr. Shaye I'm glad you called. Clare's facing a very difficult battle and we're very lucky that we caught it when we did. She's going to need all the support she can get. They'll have her room ready at the clinic on Thursday, I'll be there to check her in and get her oriented and I'm on rotation at the clinic but she'll have a care team. If you would like to be there with her the hospital clinic has a residency hotel attached for family and friends."

"Yes I want to be with her as much as possible. I'm a kindergarten teacher and I don't return to work for six weeks but I was going to look into transferring to a school in Manhattan to be close to Clare."

"Good I'll reserve you a room at the hotel. I have to go I'm on call but I will see you both on Thursday and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to call."

"Thanks can you give me the name of the clinic? Clare was too upset and she's sleeping right now," I tell him.

"Give me your e-mail and I'll e-mail you all the information," he replies.

I give him my e-mail address and hang up. I start to call the lawyer when I hear Clare calling me from the bedroom.

"Drew?"

"I'm right here," I assure her running in.

"I thought I had been dreaming and I was alone," she says reaching for me.

"You're not alone, never alone. I'm here," I tell her kissing her temple. I sit with her in my arms, stroking her back for several minutes. "I called Adam he's going to call Mom and Dad and ask Dad about some of the legal stuff and then call everyone else to let them know. I spoke with Dr. Shaye. He's going to set up a room for me at the hotel attached to the clinic so I can be with you every possible moment."

"Good I'm going to need you there."

"Have you eaten today?" I ask after a couple of moments and she shakes her head. "Stay here I'll get you something to eat," I tell her helping her to stand and then sitting her on the bed. I kiss her forehead and then go out to the kitchen but she's only been here a couple of days and she only has snack food, apples, canned soup and pasta so I go back into the bedroom. "Come on we'll go out, you need something good to eat and I'm sure that you need some sun," I tell her pulling her up.

"I don't feel like going out," she argues.

"We'll go somewhere quiet but you have no food. Come on, come out with me let me take you on a date before you're cooped up in a hospital for who knows how long," I insist.

"Can we get food to go and go down by the water?" She requests.

"We will do anything you want," I reply and kiss her softly.

She puts her shoes on and we leave her apartment getting in my car. I drive us to Manhattan since we'll soon be living here. I park close to Central Park and we get out walking for a block before finding a restaurant Clare wants to eat at.

"I think I'll just get a small salad," Clare says looking at the menu.

"Order anything you want don't worry about price," I tell her.

"We have to worry about price you're a teacher and I won't be able to wor…"

"No we don't I am worried about a lot of things but money is not one of them. We have too much family, by blood and not by blood, to let us fall over financial worries. Money is the last of my worries right now so you order anything you want on the menu."

Clare smiles and looks at the menu again. She orders what she wants and we get dessert, after eating we go walking through Central Park a little bit. Clare seems content just watching the people and just enjoying the outside. I spend the time just watching her and thinking about what we've been through, what we lost and what I almost lost. I do my best not to think about what I could still lose, I try very hard to block out of my mine that Clare could die but I can't keep the thought out completely. None the less I do my best to show her, any time she looks at me I smile. We spend the rest of the day outside, walking through Central Park and getting hot dogs for dinner. When she's ready to go home I take her to my apartment.

"Can I take a shower?" Clare asks.

"Of course you can. I should find out about breaking my lease too if we're both moving to Manhattan."

"I love you Drew, always," she says giving me tender kiss. She walks back to the washroom and I check my phone. I turned it on silent when we went to eat lunch and never turned it back on, now I have seven missed messages. I start by calling Mom back first because she'll just fly out here if she hasn't heard from me by the time she's awake tomorrow morning.

"It's about time you called, how is she?" Mom asks with a scolding voice at first and then a concerned one.

"She's terrified, she's already faced this disease once but she was younger and stronger back then. We've already been through so much and we have so much to do. She's checking into the clinic on Thursday and I'll have a room at the hotel attached to it. We need to break her lease and mine; I need to look for work in Manhattan and a million other things."

"Your father will call the leasing offices of your apartment buildings in the morning. We'll be down this weekend to help with everything else. Tell Clare that we love her and we're thinking of her. If you need anything call us."

"I will thanks Mom."

I look at the other missed calls one is from Owen, one from Jake, one from Jenna, one from Adam, one from Paige, there's even one from Eli. I call Adam back first; he was just checking in and letting me know he called everyone. He asks about seeing Clare tomorrow and I tell him I'll talk to her when she's out of the shower. Since Adam will pass the information onto Paige I don't need to call her back so I call Owen back next and conference call with K.C. since I'm sure I'll be telling them the same thing. They want to know how Clare is and what they can do. I talk with them a few minutes and hear Clare turn off the shower so I tell them I need to go.

"Drew," she calls from the washroom.

"I'm here are you okay?"

"I'm fine but all my clothes are at my place I need something to sleep in."

"I'll grab you a t-shirt," I say before stealing a kiss on her cheek and she smiles.

I get her one of my t-shirts and she closes the washroom door. While she's getting ready for bed I call Eli back.

"Hey thanks for calling back, she's in stage three?"

"Yeah early stage three she said, I'll know more on Thursday when we check her into the clinic. I'll be staying in a room at a hotel connected to the hospital and I don't know maybe try to find an apartment in Manhattan. I need to find a new job a…sorry you don't need to hear all this, I'm just so scared and there's so much to do. I've got so many thoughts in my head I'm just babbling," I apologize.

"It's okay I've been there, I had it easier than you though I just had to be the supportive boyfriend and her mom took care of most of it. We didn't have to worry about jobs or apartments either. I'm in California but I'll be home next week," Eli says.

"I'm sure she'd love to see you and she needs the support."

"I'm sure you both will, I'll be there next week. Tell Clare I'm thinking about her," Eli requests.

"Yeah I will," I nod and hang up.

Clare comes out of the washroom and into the living room; she doesn't say a word but takes my hand pulling me into the bedroom. The lights are out but I see her begin pulling back the covers and I start getting undressed. When I'm in bed with her she rolls over and lies on my chest. I put my arm around her holding her close and stroking her arm with my fingertips.

"I love you Drew," she whispers against my chest.

"I love you too, now get some rest there's a lot to do tomorrow. I almost forgot Adam and Paige asked about getting together for breakfast," I enlighten her and she tenses up just slightly, if she wasn't laying on my chest I probably wouldn't notice it. "They're family Clare, they love you and they're worried about you."

"I know text Adam back and tell him that we'll meet them for breakfast."

I grab my phone and send him a quick text. He texts back to call him when Clare is awake. She falls asleep after a few minutes; I lie awake for hours just holding her. My mind is swimming and I can't shut it off, all I can think is that I can't lose Clare, I lost Ezra, we almost lost our marriage I can't lose Clare. I finally fall asleep from exhaustion and wake up when Clare begins to stir.

"Are you hungry? Adam said to call when you were awake," I tell her.

"Can you just hold me for a while?" She requests.

"Absolutely," I smile and hold her closer.

After an hour we get up and I call Adam, we go there for breakfast and have a nice time. Dad calls and says he was able to break both of our leases, I have to pay a small fee for mine but Clare's only been there two days and they won't charge her if we can have her out by Friday. Adam and Paige say they'll help, so do Owen, Ash, Jenna and K.C. all say they'll help too. I have until the end of the month to be completely out of my apartment so I'll worry about it later. People have work but they come to Clare's apartment when they can and we have all of Clare's stuff out by the end of the night. Everyone shows their support for Clare, and for me, without saying anything at all but Clare knows they're here and they support us. Paige and Jenna say they'll come tomorrow and clean. When we get home to my apartment Clare is exhausted and she falls right to sleep.

"What do you want to do today?" I ask Clare when wakes up Wednesday morning since it's her last day before checking into the hospital.

"I just want to do this, I just want you to hold me all day long," she replies.

"Then that's exactly what we'll do," I respond.

That pretty much is all we do day, Clare calls her work and Ricky to tell them she has cancer and can't work. Mom calls and so do Adam and Owen just to check in. Jake and Clare's mom call, Clare's parents are also coming down this weekend and Jake and Katie will fly home next weekend. We get up to grab food but we eat in bed, and other than getting up to use the washroom we spend the day in bed.

"Drew I don't think I'm strong enough to do this again," she whispers.

"Yes you are, I know you are and you're not alone. Don't think about it," I tell her.

"It's all I can think about," she says.

"Then I'll get your mind on something else. Think about our first date, our first official date not sex in the prop room," I comment and she giggles.

We stay up all night talking, reminiscing about high school and our wedding. We don't talk about Ezra though it would make us sad, make us think about death and we don't want to do that right now. When my alarm goes off at eight we get up and get dressed, Clare packs a suitcase for the hospital and I pack a couple suitcases because I don't know when I'll be back to my apartment. We get in my car and make a very solemn drive to the hospital. Clare is distant the whole way, just staring out the window.

"Clare Torres checking in," I tell the nurse at the reception desk.

"Welcome Clare and you must be Drew. I'm Casey; if you'll follow me I'll show you Clare's room. Once she's settled she'll meet her care team and then they'll take her for tests and we'll take you to your room at the hotel Drew."

We follow the nurse, who's disposition is a little too cheery for working at a place like this, although maybe that's why she's so cheery. We go up a couple of floors and down a hallway to Clare's room. Her name is outside of the door and the nurse opens the door letting us in. I will say from what I remember about her hospital room in Toronto this one seems much nicer. It's got windows all along one wall so it lets in lots of light. Her bed is in the center of the room and there's a sofa and an armchair against the wall with no windows. There's a closet and a washroom, a TV hangs on the wall visibly from the bed or the sofa. An arm chair is on either side of her bed rather than the typical hospital chair.

"The sofa pulls out into a bed if you want to sleep in here with Clare. The phone next to her bed will call the nurse's desk and your room Drew. I'll leave you to get settled and your care team will be in in a few moments," Casey says before leaving.

Clare lets go of the suitcase she's been pulling behind her and looks around her room. I notice she's begun to shake slightly and I let go of the suitcases and go over wrapping my arms around her. She puts her hands on my arms and leans her head back against my chest.

"I'm here, we're going to get through this," I whisper in her ear and she nods just slightly. "Let's get you unpacked," I say after another moment.

There's a dresser in the closet and I put most of Clare's clothes in the dresser only hanging up her robe and favorite sweater. She didn't bring many clothes because she said she didn't need much last time as she was in hospital gowns and pajamas most of the time. She brought a lot of bathroom stuff and she's happy to see a bathtub in her washroom. They did a pretty good job of not making this look like a hospital room even though some things are unavoidable and remind you that you're in a hospital. Things like a bar in the bathtub and the shower and a seat in the shower, an emergency button near the toilet, monitors near Clare's bed. After setting up her washroom we go back out to her room. I put her memory book of Ezra and the piece she cut from his baby blanket on her bed and then several people come in the room.

"Hello Clare," says the man in the middle.

"Hi Dr. Shaye," Clare nods.

"You must be Drew it's good to meet you," Dr. Shaye says shaking my hand. "We are just a portion of your care team, you already met Casey one of the duty nurses. This is your radiation oncologist Dr. Reddington and your surgical oncologist Dr. Kennedy. This is nurse Audrey Balfour your care manager she will be available to you 24 hours a day and will guide you through this process from beginning to end. There will be many more people involved in your care and to support you and Drew but you will meet them when the time comes. First we have to do some tests, more thorough than the ones at the hospital. Beginning with an MRI to look for tumors and to see just how far the cancer has spread."

"Here's a hospital gown Clare, I'll give you a few minutes to change into it and I'll come back to get you," Audrey says handing Clare a hospital gown and Clare nods. When they leave they close the door.

"I can't do this Drew; I can't go through this again. What am I living for now? What am I looking forward to now?"

"You're living for us and the future we're going to have together. You can do this Clare I know you can, I know you're strong. Now come on let's get you in your hospital gown."

I help her undress and get into her hospital gown, after a few moments there's a knock on the door and I open it to see Casey and Audrey. They both come in but only Audrey has a wheelchair.

"Clare I'll take you for testing and Casey will show Drew his room at the residence hotel next door. By the time we come back to the room Drew will be here waiting for you," Audrey tells Clare.

"I love you, I'll see you in a few minutes," I say to my wife and take her in my arms for a loving kiss.

"I love you too."

Clare gets in the wheelchair and is wheeled away and I follow Casey. There's a walkway on the top floor connecting the hospital to the hotel. I have a room on the 4th floor. Casey hands me a key card and I open the room. It's simple, like a small studio apartment. There's a bed, a table and a little kitchenette, a window with a decent view of the garden at the hospital, a closet on one wall and a small washroom on the other. I set my suitcases in and Casey takes me down and introduces me to the front desk staff and we take the sidewalk instead of the walkway back to the hospital. When I get back to Clare's room she's not yet back and I sink down on the sofa. I have to be strong for Clare, to be her strength but I'm just hoping she comes through this, if I lose her it will kill me.

 **Update next Tuesday will pick up from around here, people coming to see Clare at the hospital and visiting for the weekend.**


	16. Time to be Tough A Time to be Wise

**Mary I replied again if you haven't seen it and I had a couple of questions for you after you've seen this latest reply.**

 **Ch. 16 It's a Time to be Tough A Time to be Wise**

 **(CLARE)**

"Alright Clare we're all done we'll get you back to your room," the nurse says to me as they take me from the MRI table and set me back into the wheelchair.

This clinic is definitely nicer and more calming than Toronto Western Hospital Pediatric Oncology ward. Even so I'm finding it very hard to have to find any hope in this situation. I always knew there was a chance the cancer could reoccur but I always thought if it did I'd recognize the symptoms and catch it sooner. Maybe I didn't want to, did I just ignore the symptoms or did I really pass it all off as something else.

"Your care team will be in to discuss the results with you once they get them back. It could be an hour or two so make yourself comfortable and we'll bring you both something to eat," the orderly says after wheeling me into the room. I nod and stand up getting on the bed and the orderly leaves.

"I called Adam and gave him an update, Paige arranged a whole information tree to keep everyone up to date," Drew tells me as he sits on the edge of the bed.

"Good, I guess," I say softly.

"Everyone wants to be kept up to date; everyone is going to come visit. You're not alone Clare and you won't be alone, not for a moment," Drew assures me as I grab the part of Ezra's blanket that I cut out. I hold the blanket in my hand and rub it with my thumb.

"Time for lunch," an orderly says pushing in a cart with two trays. He sets the trays on the bed and tells us to enjoy before leaving.

"Looks good, chicken and salad with some dark green leafy stuff," Drew comments observing the food.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat Clare," Drew urges setting the tray on my rolling table and pushing it toward me.

I take a few bites of the kale salad and a couple bites of chicken, nibbling at it slowly. Once I'm eating I find that I am hungry and eat most of the salad and half the chicken. Drew eats the rest of my chicken and all of his but doesn't seem to like the kale salad. An orderly comes in and takes the trays and then a portion of my care team comes back in, all the ones with medical degrees anyway.

"Hello Clare, Drew," Dr. Shaye says, "we have your tests back. I told you preciously I believed you to be in early stage three and that's been confirmed. You have a tumor that's approximately six centimeters which does put you in stage three. The good news is that the cancer does not appear to have spread to your lymph nodes; we will have to run further tests to confirm. The not so good news is where the tumor is, the tumor is growing on your kidney and intercostal muscle and very near to your spine. We need to operate and remove the tumor as soon as possible. It's the only tumor we see which is good news but we will need to do a CT scan of the area with radioactive dye so we can clearly see what the tumor is affecting. We need to know this before doing the surgery. We'll also be taking a biopsy of the tissue surrounding the tumor so we know just what type of cancerous cell we're dealing with. I'm scheduling biopsy for later this afternoon, and the CT for the morning, based on those tests you'll go into surgery no later than Saturday evening. After the tests and the surgery we'll begin the course of treatment."

"You'll spend the next couple of days getting situated here, I'll take you and Drew on a tour in a little bit. You'll meet the rest of your care team as well and we'll begin discussing options and supportive therapies with you and Drew. I'll be back shortly to take you on a tour, if you need anything use the phone to ring the nurse's station," Audrey, my care manager, says and I nod.

When the doctors leave I slump down in the bed a little, falling back against the pillow. Drew takes my hand and brushes his fingers along my cheek.

"It will be fine, they'll remove the tumor and you'll have some chemo to kill the rest of the cancer," Drew tries to assure me.

"What if they can't remove the tumor? What if something goes wrong in surgery? What if I can't make it through chemo again? Not everyone does, it kills the cancer but it kills everything else too."

"Stop it, you will get through this. You're thinking only of the worst case scenario. You're strong, and you're stubborn and you will get through this. I'll be here every moment that I can and when I can't someone else will. Someone that loves you and cares about you wants you to get better."

"What if I don't want to?" I say in a voice lower than a whisper but Drew hears me. He looks at me, I feel his eyes on me but I'm looking at my hand still holding the bit of Ezra's blanket.

"Clare do you m…" Drew is saying but gets cut off by Audrey coming in the room.

"Ready for the tour?" Audrey asks. I nod and get up releasing Drew's hand and he comes with me. Drew walks at my side and we follow Audrey. "This floor and the one above and below are all patient rooms. We'll start on the ground floor," Audrey tells us as we walk to the elevator and she pushes the button.

The tour of the very large facility takes over an hour and then we return to my room. This clinic is all about treating every aspect of the person; mind, body and soul. I think it's good but it really doesn't give me any more hope about beating this.

"Clare what you said earlier did you mean it? Do you not want to beat this?"

"I don't know Drew, I don't know if I have the strength to go through it all again. I'm not sure I see the point right now. Ezra's gone what am I living for?"

"Us Clare you're living for us. When you don't have the strength I'll have the strength for you. You can't just give up, if you do then the cancer has already won," Drew insists sitting on the bed putting his arm around me and taking my hand.

"I died when Ezra died. The second his heart stopped I died, I lived like a ghost for weeks and just when I began to get a life back and feel like a person again I find out I have cancer. Stage three this time, in another place and close to my spine. If it's spread to my lymph nodes or my spine…"

"We don't know any of that yet Clare. You can't five up on hope, not yet, not until there isn't any hope left," Drew pleads.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to tell him. I want to tell him to go but I know he won't. I want to tell him I've already given up and I'm ready to be with Ezra but he'll keep telling me there's hope.

"Time for your biopsy Clare," an orderly tells me coming into the room.

"I'll be right here when you get back," Drew says kissing my temple. I give him an appreciative smile, as much of one as I can muster, and kiss my husband's cheek before sitting in the wheelchair and being wheeled out of the room.

 **(ADAM)**

"Clare Torres' room please," I say to the nurse at the front reception desk. The nurse gives me the room number and tells me how to find it. When I get to the room I find my brother sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and I don't see Clare anywhere. "Drew?"

He looks up when I say his name and I can see that he's been crying. I sit next to him on the bed and put my hand on his back.

"Hey, she'll be back soon, I think, she just went to get a biopsy done."

"Are you worried about the biopsy?"

"No I'm not worried about the fact that this fight hasn't even begun and she's already given up."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean she told me she didn't want to get through this. She told me she was ready to be with Ezra. We hardly know anything and she's just done, she's ready to die without even a fight. She doesn't want to try Adam. I'm trying to be strong for her, to be her strength but how can I be strong for her when she's given up and decided she's ready to die?"

"She's scared Drew, she's already been through this and after all she's been through she's facing it again. You didn't really see her when she went through this before. All she wanted to do was ignore the fact that she was a cancer patient and be a normal girl for Eli."

"I remember, I helped her escape," Drew says with a small grin and a hint of memory in his eye.

"She's been through so much recently she doesn't have that one thing to hold onto now. If I'd been through the loss of a child, being seeped in grief, nearly self-destructing from it and watching you nearly self-destruct with MMA fighting and a concussion. After all of that coming to the hard realization that ending my marriage was the best thing and just as I'm beginning to start a new life find out my life could be coming to an end. I'd probably feel like giving up too. She's frightened but she's not done fighting Drew. If she was done fighting she would have told you to go and leave her and sign the divorce papers. Or she would have ended her life as soon as she knew the cancer was back. She didn't, she didn't tell you to go, she wanted you to rip the divorce papers up, she wanted you with her. That means some part of her, even if it's just a little part right now, some part of her wants to fight. So we need to do all that we can to make that part bigger. To remind her that there is still something to fight for, we need to be her strength and give her reasons to live. And she'll find a reason, it might take her a while but she'll find the will to fight. She did it the first time, she did it after Ezra's death and she'll do it now she just needs some time."

"Yeah, you're right I'm sorry I won't give up on her I just don't know how to be strong for her when she talks about giving up like that."

"You know that you're not alone either. When you're having trouble finding strength you call on one of us or all of us," I tell Drew and he nods then we're silent for a few moments. "So do we know anything yet? They took her for a biopsy presumably that means they know where the cancer is or the tumor? Does she have a tumor?" I question.

"Yeah, yeah she does about six centimeters they said. It's on her kidney and near her spine; they took her for a biopsy to see about what type of cancer cells it is. Something like that, I sort of tuned out after they told us it was on her kidney and close to her spine. She has to get CT scan tomorrow so they know exactly where the tumor is and how to operate and she'll have surgery on Saturday. After that they'll tell us about course of treatment."

"Any word about her prognosis?"

"Not yet, they just said they didn't think it had spread to her lymph nodes which was good. They aren't sure of that yet it's something they'll find out with the tests. That's all we know other than she needs surgery to remove the tumor," Drew tells me and we hear a male voice just outside the door and then an orderly brings Clare into the room.

"How was it?" Drew asks as we both hope off the bed so she can get on.

"Fine I guess, more involved than the last one I had. Hi Adam," she says getting on the bed.

"Hi Clare," I grin.

"Do you need anything?" Drew questions.

"No I'm kind of tired but you've been in here most of the day you should get out for a bit. Take a nap in your room or get a cup of coffee at least. I'm sure you'll be seeing plenty of this room in the coming weeks," Clare says to Drew.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" He asks her.

"I've got Adam," she replies giving me a small smile.

"Okay I'm gonna get some coffee I'll be back in a bit," Drew replies and kisses her cheek before leaving the room. Clare watches him go and then looks at me.

"Adam I need you to promise me something," she tells me.

"Anything Clare," I respond sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You have to promise that if I'm going to die that you'll get Drew out of here. Promise me that you won't let him watch me die. He watched Ezra die you have to promise me that you won't let him watch me die. I don't care what it takes or what you have to do get him out of here. If they tell me I'm not going to make it you drag Drew out of here so that he doesn't watch me die because I don't want him to go through that. It would kill him, destroy him completely and I won't do that to him."

"I promise Clare, I promise if they tell us you're going to die I will take Drew out of here and I won't let him watch the moment the love of his life dies. However I make this promise with one proviso," I tell her.

"What's that?"

"You have to promise that you'll fight, promise that you will fight this cancer with every ounce of strength that you have. And when you have no more strength you draw it from the rest of us, Drew included. You can't give up, not until they tell you there is no more reason to fight but until they tell you that you fight with everything you've got. Because if you're just going to give up then I might as well take Drew out of here now."

"I promise to fight Adam," she says releasing a breath as she says the words.

"Really fight Clare, no more talk about giving up or not fighting or being ready to join Ezra."

"I'll fight with everything I have," she assures me.

"Good," I smile taking her hand. "Paige is coming later. Owen, Ash, K.C. and Jenna want to come for dinner if you're up for it."

"Yeah that would be nice. Promise me you'll make Drew get out of the hospital sometimes. I know he wants to be here with me every moment but he's going to need to get out and just take a breath sometimes. You have to look after him the way I know he'll be looking after me."

"I promise and we'll make sure you get some time, we might not be able to take you from the hospital but you and the girls can have a chick flick movie night. Or tea in the garden, time to remind yourself that there is life outside this hospital."

"That sounds nice, remembering that there's life outside of the hospital and after the hospital," Clare smiles and hearing her remind herself there's a life after this makes me smile.

"There will be plenty of people coming to visit and spend time with you and remind you that there will be a life after this. My parents and yours will be down this weekend. Jake and Katie will be out as soon as they can be. I know Eli is going to come out as soon as he can. You have lots of people around you and here to support you and when you need one of us we'll be here," I tell her just as Drew comes back in the room. He smiles when he sees her smiling and sits on the other side of her bed. She looks at him and gives him a chaste kiss.

 **(DREW)**

"Everyone will be here in a few moments for dinner," I tell Clare turning off the TV.

"Okay, I'm going to change into something that's not a hospital gown," she says getting off the bed.

She goes to her closet and gets out a casual dress before going into the washroom to change. Since speaking to Adam she's been lighter, like a great weight has been lifted from her shoulders, and if she's feeling not more optimistic and happy at least she hasn't seemed like she wants to give up anymore. I don't know what Adam said to her but it did the trick. It is very beneficial that he's my brother and her best friend because he knows how to handle us both.

"Drew can you zip me up please," Clare calls and I get up and go to the washroom door zipping the dress. "Where are we all going to eat, the little table is only going to fit four," Clare comments as she sits on her bed again.

"I already spoke to Audrey and she's reserved us one of the small conference rooms so we can all fit," I tell her and she smiles.

The three of us have spent most of the afternoon looking through the pamphlets and booklets on classes and optional therapies this facility offers. There's quite a lot and they have something for everyone no matter what you believe or like to do. I know the others have arrived when I hear Owen's voice from down the hall.

"This place is nice, a much brighter room than the last time," Jenna comments when she leads the group into the room.

"Yeah certainly better than last time," Clare nods and hugs everyone.

"I hope everyone is hungry we brought a ton of food, they're setting it all up in a conference room," Paige tells us.

"Let's go eat," I say holding my hand out to Clare and she gets off her bed.

As we walk to the conference room the others get to see a little more of the clinic. The staff set all the food out and plates, flatware and napkins. All of us sit down and begin serving ourselves; they brought salmon, chicken, salad, rice, potatoes and vegetables. While we're eating we tell everyone what we've already been told, we tell about the tests Clare's been through and her CT scan tomorrow. Of course everyone offers words of encouragement and tells her they'll be here as often as possible. After we eat Clare hugs everyone and tells them thanks for coming and they tell her they'll see her soon. Owen, Ashley, Jenna and K.C. stay behind to clean up while Adam, Paige and I take Clare back to her room.

"We thought we'd get a hotel for the night and be here for CT scan tomorrow," Paige says when we're back at Clare's room.

"You guys can take my room at the hotel I want to sleep on the sofa in here tonight," I reply.

"Cool that sounds good," Adam grins.

"I think I'll take a shower," Clare says.

"Okay I'll take Adam and Paige over to the hotel and I'll be right back," I tell her and Clare smiles giving me a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth.

Clare hugs Adam and Paige and tells them goodnight before walking to the washroom. I take Adam and Paige to the hotel and unlock the door before giving the key to Adam.

"This is nice," Paige smiles looking at the room.

"Yeah it's got pretty much everything you'd need. You guys can use it any time you want, any of you can I think I'm going to be spending most of my time in the room with Clare," I comment.

"I promised Clare that we'd get you out of the hospital some time too, a guy's night at least every couple of weeks," Adam says.

"Yeah and Clare will have some girl time," Paige adds.

"I should get back there, I want to be there when Clare gets out of the shower, I'll see you guys in the morning. There's no food in the kitchen but the phone connects to the nurse's desk at the hospital and I'm pretty sure they can get you whatever you need," I tell them.

"We'll be fine, thanks Drew go be with Clare," Paige replies with a smile.

I leave the room and get back to the hotel, Clare is still in the shower and I go into the washroom. I see her silhouette behind the curtain but she doesn't seem to be moving.

"Clare? You okay Angel Eyes?"

"Yeah just tired and sore from the biopsy," she replies.

"You should rinse off and get into bed. We can watch a movie and I'll hold you in bed, if you want me to," I tell her.

"I want you to," she replies turning off the water and drawing back the curtain. I smile at the sight of her naked body and then take the smile from my face when she looks uncomfortable.

"I won't look very sexy in a few weeks when the chemo has started killing everything and making me ill," Clare says grabbing a towel.

"You'll always look sexy to me," I say and she twists her mouth at me like she doesn't believe me.

She gets her pajamas and gets ready for bed, she gets comfortable in bed and I get in the bed and put her in my arms. She finds something on TV and falls asleep after a short time. We're still in her bed with Clare in my arms when we're woken up by Doctor Reddington, Clare's Radiation Oncologist.

"Good morning, Dr. Shaye will be here later but I will be overseeing the test. We're going to come and inject contrast dye through an IV so we can get a clear picture. The test will take about twenty minutes and I'll be back to take you to the CT. You can't eat before the test but you can eat after. Right now you'll need to change into your hospital gown."

Clare nods and Dr. Reddington leaves the room. I get up and she changes into her hospital gown. Adam and Paige come just as she's getting the contrast dye through the IV. I explain what's going on and they sit down by Clare, the nurses come back along with Dr. Reddington.

"We're going to take you to imaging now Clare. It will take about twenty minutes so the rest of you can wait here or you can come down with us. There's a room you can wait in and be able to see Clare."

"We'll go down," I speak up while Adam and Paige nod.

They put Clare in a wheelchair and we follow them, I kiss her just before they take her in. We sit in a little room watching through glass as she lies on the table and goes into the MRI machine. It seems to take forever but eventually she does come out again and gets back in the wheelchair.

"You can return to your room now Clare, we'll review your results and myself and the rest of the care team will come speak to you later this afternoon," Dr. Reddington says.

"Can I walk back?" Clare asks.

"Of course Clare," the doctor smile and Clare gets out of the wheelchair. She links her arm with mine and we walk back to her room.

"Are you hungry? We can see about breakfast," Paige says when we're back at Clare's room.

"I'm not that hungry but maybe some tea," Clare replies.

"We'll be back in a few moments," Adam grins and they leave the room.

Clare takes my hand and pulls me to the sofa, sitting down with me she puts my arm around her and she leans on me.

"I love you Drew, I couldn't do this without you. I need you here; I'm going to need you a lot as I get more ill."

"I'm not going anywhere Clare, not ever. I love you always," I smile and kiss her gently.

 **Update next Tuesday will pick up probably with Clare getting her test results and include her surgery and more visits from friends and family.**


	17. We'll Make it Through

**So I really wanted to give you guys nice long chapters this week since all the long stories are going on break until January. However life seldom works how you want it to and I am sick with a pretty nasty cold (yuck!). Taking care of myself and working have to be the priorities so sadly it's a fairly short chapter but I didn't leave you with a cliffhanger until January.**

 **Tomorrow, along with being sick (have I mentioned yuck?) I have a lot of work that has to be done. Because the long stories won't be updated again until January I'm going to try really really hard to give you guys an update tomorrow but it just might not be feasible. Again I need to put myself and work first but I will try to get up at least a short update tomorrow, keep an eye on the DeGrassi Saviors website tomorrow for news on whether or not there will be a chapter.**

 **Ch. 17 We'll Make it Through**

 **(DREW)**

"Hi everyone," Dr. Reddington greets as he walks into the room with several members of Clare's care team Friday afternoon. We'd had breakfast and spent the day playing games and watching TV in Clare's room.

"Hi Dr. Reddington, this is my brother Adam and his wife Paige," I introduce them.

Dr. Reddington shakes their hands and introduces the other members of Clare's care team that are with him. After introductions Dr. Reddington asks us to sit down.

"We've had a look at your CT and your biopsy Clare," Dr. Kennedy tells us. Dr. Kennedy is her surgical oncologist. "You do have a sizeable tumor that we need to remove immediately and I have scheduled your surgery for 6am tomorrow morning. The cancer has not spread to your lymph nodes which is great news, however the cancer has begun to invade your kidney. It's minimal right now and we will use target radiation to try and reverse it. If we can't reverse it we will have to remove the kidney before the tissue goes necrotic. You can live a wonderfully long life with one kidney."

"Can she still live a very long life with one kidney and having had cancer twice?" I question before the doctor can continue.

"Yes as long as she's careful and takes care of herself but don't worry about her losing a kidney until we've tried everything else. First step is removing the tumor. After the surgery and some time to heal you'll begin a fairly aggressive regimen of target radiation and chemotherapy, the type of cancer cells you have is called anaplastic. Because of that and your tumor and how far the cancer has spread. right now we believe you'll have three months of chemo therapy and radiation," Dr. Reddington says and Clare squeezes my hand a little tighter.

"Three months?" She asks.

"We will keep reevaluating that estimation as your treatment progresses. Your entire care team will meet every month. We believe you'll be here for at least four months but again that's something to be continually evaluated. Along with your chemotherapy and radiation you'll have a nutrition plan, exercise, homeopathic therapies, vitamins and supplements. pain management, spiritual support," Dr. Kennedy says.

"Like we said you're entire care team will meet every week and today and Sunday various members of your care team will come in to meet with you one on one. They will discuss your care plan with you and if have any questions or concerns for them it's a great opportunity to bring them up. I am available 24 hours a day if you need anything. Drew you can also get a hold of me 24 hours a day for you or Clare. We know that part of supporting the cancer patient is supporting their support network. There's a group therapy session and many other available supports for all of you that here to support Clare," Audrey tells us.

"Thank you Audrey," I smile.

"We'll give you some time, let me know if you need anything or have any questions," Audrey tells us.

"I'll be back this evening to discuss how the surgery will go tomorrow," Dr. Kennedy says and they all leave the room.

"We'll go call everyone and keep them updated and give you guys a few minutes. Do you want anything?" Adam asks and Clare shakes her head.

"No just let everyone know what's happening please," I reply. Adam and Paige leave and I pull Clare into my arms and sit with her in my lap on the sofa. "It's going to be okay, you're going to beat this. The surgery is going to go well and you're going to beat this," I encourage her.

"But they think I'll be in here for four months what are we going to do? You have to go back to work at some point," she says gripping my hand and interlacing our fingers.

"I will but when I'm not here someone else that loves you will be. I already called Alexia and explained everything she's going to see what she can do for me to change districts. If I can't get a job in this district then I'll find tutoring work or something. We will figure it out and I don't want you to worry about this kind of stuff. You have enough to worry about let us worry about the rest," I tell her.

"I'll try but I don't want you to hide things from me. If you can't find a job I want to know," she insists.

"I promise," I reply kissing her temple.

She smiles and puts her head on my shoulder, "I keep thinking about Ezra. Not about being with him but wishing he were here. Thinking about how especially now I'd love to have him in my arms. How much harder I'd be fighting if I had him to fight for. I'm still going to fight, for you and us but I'd fight so much harder if I had my son to fight for. And yet I'm glad he isn't here. I wouldn't want him to experience this or watch me go through this."

"He's with us; his love is with us to keep you strong."

Clare looks up at me with a smile and kisses me gently. We break from the kiss when Adam and Paige come back in the room.

"We called everyone except our parents and Clare's because they'll be here soon for dinner. Everyone else wanted to be updated every time we had news. And everyone sends their love," Adam says.

"Thanks, we can eat in the commissary since the parents aren't going to stop and pick up dinner," Clare comments.

"Nope they're coming straight from the airport," Adam replies.

"I'm going to clean up a little before dinner and change into something a little nicer since I'll be looking like death soon enough," Clare says. She kisses me and then gets off my lap walking to the washroom.

"How's she doing?" Adam asks when Clare's closed the washroom.

"I'm not sure, she doesn't seem like she's already defeated, I mean she hasn't talked about dying or giving up but she's really worried about the surgery and how long she's going to be here."

"Well that's an improvement anyway and of course she's worried about the surgery that's normal I'm sure anyone would be. At least she's fighting now and that's the important thing," Paige comments.

Clare comes out of the washroom in a casual dress and she sits on the sofa with me. We talk a little before our parents arrive all together. Helen starts crying as soon as she comes in the room and has to be pried away from Clare so Glen and my parents can hug her. Jake and Katie are flying out tomorrow and Eli will also be out tomorrow. Once everyone has hugged everyone else we go down to eat since everyone is hungry and it's almost dinner time. The cancer center has a cafeteria like any hospital but it's not your typical hospital food. They have professional chefs and nutritionists cooking the food. Everyone orders and we sit down at a table and begin eating.

"So what's the latest news?" Mom asks after a couple moments of silent eating.

"I'm going in for surgery at 6am tomorrow morning. They're going to remove the tumor, they said the cancer hadn't spread to my nymph lodes but it has spread to my kidney. After a little bit of time to heal from the surgery I start on an aggressive target radiation and chemo therapy treatment. They might have to remove the kidney if the cancer continues to spread. All together they predict that I'll be in here for four months," Clare informs them but her voice is dry and detached. Not like she's given up but like she's detaching herself from the whole situation. I think she's afraid to let herself feel or she's hiding it so she doesn't break down. Everyone is looking at her after clinical explanation, Clare goes back to eating and after a moment the rest of us go back to eating.

"They'll be reassessing her stay and condition every week. Her entire care team will meet every week, four months is just what they're thinking right now. But they said she'd have about three months of chemo and radiation so the rest of it I guess will be recovering from surgery and I'm not actually sure but they said we can ask questions any time. She'll have all kinds of other therapies too, I can't even remember them all," I add.

"Well that's good, it sounds like you're really well taken care of here," Glen comments.

"Everyone is, there's supportive therapies and things for Drew and all of Clare's support network," Adam tells them.

"That's nice; we could have used that the first time around. Watching Clare go through it all was very hard," Helen says.

"Yeah it's nice, it feels more like a family than a hospital. Right Clare?" I question and she looks up at me.

"Yeah, definitely more supportive than Toronto Western Pediatric Oncology ward," Clare nods.

Adam decides to take the focus off of Clare and her sickness and we start talking about what to do to transition us to Manhattan. Packing up the apartments and finding me a job, coordinating people for visits and people to stay with Clare when I can't. Now that we aren't talking about Clare's sickness and talking about how to support her and me and get through this she perks up a little bit. After eating we walk around the clinic a little to show the parents some of the things available at the clinic. We show them the memorial garden, library and resource room, rec room and rooms for classes and the fitness center before we go back to Clare's room.

"We're going to go check into our hotel but we'll be back in the morning for your surgery," Mom tells Clare and she smiles.

"Call us if you need anything," Dad says and we hug all the parents goodbye before they leave.

"I assume you'll be sleeping in Clare's room again and we want to be here first thing in the morning so we'll sleep in the apartment if you're not going to use it," Adam comments.

"Yeah I'm sleeping in here tonight for sure," I nod putting my arms around Clare and kissing her cheek. "I should get some clean clothes though I've been wearing these for two days now," I remark.

"I'll bring you some, we're going to run out for some essentials because we weren't planning on staying out here for two whole days," Adam says.

"You guys can go home, it will just be a lot of waiting around tomorrow," Clare tells them.

"No we're going to be here we just need to run out and get some things. We'll grab you some clean clothes and then run out," Adam replies.

"Thanks," I smile at my brother, they hug Clare before leaving and when they're gone Clare sits on the sofa. I sit next to next to her and put my arms around her again. Adam and Paige return after about twenty minutes with my toiletries and some clean clothes before they say goodnight. We just hold each other in silence until Dr. Shaye, Dr. Reddington and Dr. Kennedy come in along with a woman we haven't seen before.

"Good evening Drew and Clare this is Chelsea Carter she'll be your anesthesiologist tomorrow," Dr. Kennedy says. "We're here to talk to you about what to expect tomorrow for both of you," Dr. Kennedy tells us. For the next several minutes he tells us all about what will happen in Clare's surgery tomorrow and how long it will take. Chelsea, Dr. Shaye and Dr. Reddington all have things to add.

"It's all going to go fine tomorrow, you're going to be this," I reaffirm to Clare.

"I'm going to be unconscious for most of tomorrow. I'm not that tired can you hold me in bed while we watch a movie?"

"I will do anything you want," I reply with a grin kissing her temple.

We get up and get ready for bed quickly then we get in bed and I put on one of Clare's favorite movies. After the first movie we put on a second one and I fall asleep watching it. We get woken up when the anesthesiologist comes in. Clare is given a special gown to wear which she changes into in the washroom and I get dressed in the washroom. The anesthesiologist preps Clare for surgery and then leaves the room for a few minutes.

"Morning," Adam yawns when he and Paige come in.

"I'm surprised you got up so early," Clare says as they come over to hug her.

"We told you we would be here for you," Paige tells her just as the anesthesiologist comes back in.

Clare is rolled away for surgery and a nurse comes and shows us the waiting room is. We sit down and we wait. My parents and Clare's parents show up next and we wait again. After an hour Dad and Glen go down to the commissary to get coffee and some breakfast options for anyone that's hungry. Owen, Ashley, Jenna and K.C. show up after a couple of hours. Next to arrive, a little after eleven, is Eli. He walks into the waiting room, hugs Adam and Paige, greets everyone and then comes over to me. We look at each other a second and then embrace.

"Did she seem in good spirits this morning?" Eli asks.

"Yeah I think so but she was nervous too. I have to admit I'm terrified. I'm trying to be strong for her but I don't know what to expect. I wasn't around too much for the first time."

"I was, it was a bit of a roller coaster. Just don't break her out of the hospital this time," Eli teases and I smile.

Since it's lunch time Mom and Helen go to the commissary to get lunch for anyone who wants to eat. After a couple of more hours Jake and Katie show up, we greet them and give them an update. And it's back to waiting, and waiting, and waiting. They told us it would be six hours or more but it feels like an eternity. Finally Dr. Kennedy comes in.

"The surgery went very well, we removed the tumor and I don't expect any complications. Clare will be returned to her room in a few minutes and will start waking up within the next hour. I'll come check on her in about an hour. She'll need about a week to fully recover from the surgery before she starts on radiation or chemo therapy because we have to suppress her immune system for the chemo and radiation. I'll see you all in about an hour," Dr. Kennedy says leaving the room and we all go to Clare's room.

Clare gets wheeled in and we all have to make way. She gets put in her bed and I go over taking her hand in mine and sitting on the edge of her bed. Brushing some hair from her face I kiss my wife's forehead.

"We're going to get through this Clare; you're going to be this. I love you more than anything," I whisper to her and gently kiss her lips.

 **Again sorry it was such a short chapter for being the last one until January. This will return January 5** **th** **and begin with Clare waking up include the beginning of her treatments.**


	18. Flower between the Pages of a Novel

**Welcome back! I don't know about you all but I missed these stories. Two months is a long time without the long stories which is why One Shot Month will be in September this year. Short Story Month will still be in July and December. Since I didn't get around to Christmas shots in December I will probably do a Christmas themed One Shot Week at the end of June or beginning of July.**

 **In case you didn't notice the list on my profile page got a bit longer as I was actually able to do some plotting during the break. A lot of which were requests from my wonderful readers.**

 **Now onto tonight's story! In case you didn't go back and read the first seventeen chapters here's a quick recap:**

 **The story began with the death of Clare and Drew's infant son. Both had trouble coping and grieved in their own way, both teetering on the edge of sanity. After months of struggle they agreed to divorce and move on with their lives.**

 **Clare moved out into her own apartment and then found out her cancer had relapsed. When Drew found out he ripped up the divorce papers and vowed to be with her. They have now reconciled but Clare is facing a long road of treatment and just had surgery to remove a tumor.**

 **As per usual my Tuesday was very busy and it's on the short side.**

 **Ch. 18 Like the Petals of a Flower between the Pages of a Novel**

 **(CLARE)**

I feel tired and heavy but I hear Drew's voice calling to me, "Pretty Eyes open those gorgeous sparkling blues and look at me."

Hearing my husband's voice calling to me I try to open my eyes. They flutter and I squeeze Drew's hand holding mine. When my eyes finally open the very first thing I see, the thing my eyes focus on is my husband's grin. I try to smile back but my muscles don't want to cooperate yet. I see Adam, Paige, Mom, Glen, Audra and Omar in the room watching me.

"The surgery went great; they were able to remove the tumor without complications. It's just the first step on a long road but you came through it without complication or problem," Drew says to me.

"I'm tired," I tell them with a scratchy throat.

"You probably will be for a couple of hours," Adam says.

"The doctors should be in shortly, stay awake long enough to talk to them," Drew encourages me.

I look around the room and now I notice that Owen, Ash, Jenna, K.C. and Eli are also in the room. I smile at them and they smile back, a few come over and squeeze my hand. The people in the room begin talking softly and I almost drift to sleep again but then the doctor comes in the room. He tells me pretty much what Drew said, the surgery went well and there were no complications. He tells me a few other things about my recovery time and after care before he leaves. A few moments after the doctor leaves I fall asleep again.

When I wake up again I see Jake and Katie in the room, I say hi to them and we talk a few moments before I fall asleep again. I'm not sure if the drugs or the whole experience has me tired but either way I drift in and out of sleep all day. I wake up and talk a few moments before falling asleep again. People come and go all day as I drift in and out of consciousness but there's always at least six people in the room with me and Drew is always there. In the late afternoon I fall asleep and stay asleep a few hours before waking up at dusk and the only person in my room is Owen.

"Not that I'm not always happy to see you but where's Drew?"

"He went to get some dinner with everyone else. I said I'd stay with you but I can call him if you want."

"No let him eat, he needs to eat and he needs to get out of here sometimes. Make sure he gets out of here sometimes or he'll go crazy in here. He needs to find a job, make sure he finds a job," I request of Owen sleepily.

"We will, all of us, we'll make sure he gets out and finds a job and we'll make sure someone is always here with you," Owen assures me I give him an appreciative smile and then we're silent for a few moments.

"Owen I'm terrified," I whisper.

He comes over and takes my hand sitting on the bed, "I know Clare. Drew is terrified too and so am I we all are. I'm terrified of losing my close friend and watching one of my best friends watch his wife die. If Drew loses you I don't know that he'd make it through. We're all terrified Clare but we're all here for you and Drew and each other and giving each other strength."

"Owen I love you," I tell him with a yawn and he smiles, "as a friend," I add and he laughs.

"I love you as a friend too Clare," Owen grins and I start to fall asleep again.

I stay asleep until later that night and when I wake up there's only one person in my room but this time it's Drew. He's lying on the bed and seems to be watching me sleep.

"I love you Drew," I whisper against his chest.

"I love you too Clare," he whispers back.

"Should I be this tired?"

"The doctors said that was normal you should have more energy tomorrow. If you're tired go back to sleep I'll be with you here all night," Drew assures me.

"I can't believe I can be so tired after lying in bed all day."

"You've been through a lot and your body has been through a lot and a long surgery. You go back to sleep and I'll see you in the morning. I'll be here holding you all night," he says and kisses my forehead.

"I love you Drew, I need you more now than I ever I'm so scared," I whisper against his chest as I begin to drift to sleep again.

"I love you more than anything Clare, I always have and I always will," Drew says kissing my forehead and I smile drifting to sleep once more.

 **(DREW)**

"Alright Clare I know you've been through this before and we've discussed the course of treatment before but do you have any questions?" Dr. Shaye asks as he sets up the chemo machine. I remember seeing the chemo machine in Clare's hospital room when she was sick the first time. I didn't know what it was for but I only saw her in the hospital a couple of times. That was before I really knew her and before we were in love.

"No I know how this goes, I feel okay during the treatment and then I get terribly sick and feel like dying after," Clare says and it breaks my heart hearing the defeat in her voice.

"Your diet and other therapies will help with that and we will be monitoring you closely. We can add other supportive therapies if necessary. Are you ready to begin Clare?"

She nods and he turns on the machine, medicine starts flowing and Clare shivers. I cover her with a blanket and get on the bed to hold her. She's been recovering from surgery for several days and begins her treatment today. She's already had radiation implants where the cancer was growing near her kidney. Tiny implants about the size of a grain of rice to release radiation near her kidney and spine to keep the cancer from growing and invading those areas. The implants are temporary and controlled and will be removed when the cancer cells have died or shrunk to a point the doctors are no longer concerned about it. Several of our friends and family will be by this evening but Clare didn't want anyone here but me during her first treatment.

"Are you okay?" I ask when the doctor leaves.

"This part isn't so bad it's later that I will fell sick and terrible and it only gets worse," she says.

"I'm here just tell me what you need," I tell her.

"Just hold me and distract me. Can you put on a movie please?"

I kiss her temple and let go of her temporarily to put on a movie. Then I get back in bed and wrap my arms around her once more. After an hour Dr. Shaye comes back in and unhooks her from the machine he asks her how she feels and tells her to rest and that someone from her care team will come in to check on her throughout the day. It's after nine now but Clare doesn't feel like eating, I am hungry however so they bring me some breakfast.

For a while things are peaceful and quiet, Clare watches another movie while I eat and then hold her in bed again. Then she suddenly pushes me away hopping out of bed and running for the washroom. I follow her to the washroom, she's kneeled on the floor hunched over the toilet and vomiting into it. I sit next to her rubbing her back, she vomits several more times, seems like she vomits everything she ate in the last three days. When she's done she tries to get up but she's sweating and shaking. She looks pale and I start to panic that something is very wrong. I pick her up and carry her back to the bed pressing the button for the floor nurse. Instead of the nurse Dr. Reddington and Dr. Sander from Clare's care team come in.

"Is she supposed to be shaking like that? And sweating like that? Should she be so pale?"

"It's side effects from the chemo as is vomiting. I know it's scary to watch but I assure you this is normal. We can give her some things to help with the nausea. Are you experiencing any pain Clare?" Dr. Sander asks.

"No just feeling ill I remember this feeling," she groans curling onto her side.

"Alright we'll give you some things to help with the symptoms and someone will come back to check on you shortly," Dr. Reddington tells us.

They leave the room and come back after a moment and have Clare swallow a few pills. She lies down again looking at the TV but not really watching, she's curled on her side and I get in the bed with her. I take her in my arms and hold her tight kissing her temple and stroking her back. After a while she stops shaking and sweating and gains a little color back. By evening when people start showing up for visits she looks like she's fine again and you'd never know she was so ill.

Adam and Paige show up first, followed quickly by Owen and Ash and Eli who will be in town another couple of weeks. Jenna and K.C. come at the same time as my parents, Jake and Katie and Clare's parents. Jake and Katie will be leaving Friday, my parents and Clare's parents will be leaving Sunday. Everyone brought something to eat and Clare says she can eat a little. I make her a small plate and she begins nibbling at it while the rest of us dig into all the good food.

"We'll be in touch every day and we'll be back if you need us Clare. Of course we'll be back to visit as often as we can," Helen tells Clare.

"The same goes for us we'll be back as often as we can and if you need us call us and we'll be here," Mom says.

"Thanks," Clare smiles.

"It will be harder for us to come back out from California but we will be in touch," Jake comments.

"It's okay I know we'll have a lot of people here to support us," Clare replies.

"And we'll be in touch and thinking of you and sending good thoughts," Katie adds.

"All good things," Clare grins.

"I'm still in town a couple weeks working on a film and I'll be here as often as I can," Eli remarks.

"That's good you can read to me like last time," Clare says.

"I have an interview tomorrow for a possible job so someone should be here with her. I'll be gone from about two to four or five," I announce.

"You didn't tell me you had a job interview," Clare remarks taking my hand.

"I didn't want to get your hopes up it's just a pre-interview."

"We'll be here with Clare," Mom tells us.

"Us too," Helen nods.

"I can probably be here by two," Adam speaks up.

Clare doesn't eat very much but she does eat; everyone who has work tomorrow leaves early to drive home. Jake, Katie and both sets of parents have rooms at the hotel and Jake and Katie are staying in my room. I've spent every night in Clare's room and that's not going to change anytime soon. Just before Clare's second treatment of the day everyone else leaves saying goodnight. Clare changes into pajamas and gets in bed, shortly after which a nurse comes in to administer the treatment. She shivers when the medicine goes into her body and I put on a movie then hold her tight. She falls asleep in my arms and the nurse comes in to turn off the machine Clare is still asleep. I fall asleep with Clare in my arms and wake up when she tries to push me away, I let go of her and she jumps out of bed but before she can run to the washroom she collapses to her knees and vomits on the floor, she vomits once and then again and again and again. When she's done she's not only shaking but she's sobbing. I press the alert button to get someone in the room and then go over to her putting my arm around her.

"I told you it would get nasty," Clare sobs trying to brush the vomit off her arms.

"It's okay, it's the side effects of the chemo," I say rubbing her back and then a nurse comes in. "She didn't exactly make it to the washroom," I explain.

"That's no problem I'll get janitorial to clean this up. It looks like you need to clean up in the shower," the nurse comments.

"Come on Pretty Eyes let's go shower I'll wash you," I tell Clare picking her up.

I carry her into the washroom, she's still sobbing and shaking and now she's sweating and looks pale again. I set her down and turn on the water and when I look back at Clare she's getting undressed. She's still shaking so I help her off with her pajamas. I get out of my boxers and pajama bottoms and bring her into the shower she gets under the water rinsing off and I pick up the body wash. When she turns around I wash her off and she rinses off again and then turns around putting her head on my chest.

"I want to fight Drew but I don't know if I can do this. I'm already feeling so sick and weak," she cries running her fingers on my chest like she's trying to grip my chest.

I wrap my arms around her and hold her close to me without hurting her, "I know Clare. I know you're tired and weak, I know you've been through so much and you have another fight. It's going to be hard, it's going to be a long road but you're not alone and when you feel like you can't fight any more you have all of us to lean on."

"I'm tired can we go to bed now?"

"Yeah," I nod letting go of her to turn off the water, "you dry off and I'll grab you another pair of pajamas."

She nods and starts drying off while I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist. I get her a new set of pajamas and panties for Clare and a pair of boxers for me. After drying off and putting the clean things on we get back into bed. She curls into me and falls asleep again after a short time. She wakes up early and when she stirs it wakes me up, I kiss her forehead and hold her until Dr. Shaye comes in to administer her morning treatment. It's a lot like last night and yesterday morning, she's very calm and lying in bed and she's okay for about an hour after the treatment and then she becomes violently ill and I follow her into the washroom. When she's done vomiting she leans against me, I hold her a moment before taking her back to the bed. She doesn't want any breakfast again but I do eat. Shortly after breakfast the parents show up with Jake and Katie and just after 1:30 I go to my room and get ready for the interview. I return to Clare's room when I'm ready to kiss Clare goodbye.

"Good luck I love you," Clare says giving me a soft kiss.

"I love you too."

Everyone else wishes me luck and Adam comes in just as I'm leaving. I get in my car and drive to the school I'm interviewing at. It's an elementary school and I go to the office, it's middle of summer but they have a summer camp here and the office is open.

"You must be Drew Torres I'm Principal Jennifer Davis," the tall woman with dark red hair says shaking my hand.

"Yeah it's nice to meet you, thanks for seeing me on such short notice," I reply with a smile.

"It was quite serendipitous actually because one of our first grad teachers had twins, she was going to stop working but she wants to stay on part time so we need someone else part time. You came highly recommended; I heard nothing but glowing reviews from your last school. I know you taught kindergarten but first grade isn't much different. It would be part time like I said Thursdays, Fridays and every other Wednesday. On the first day of school you'd be teaching together to meet the kids."

"It sounds like I already have the job I thought I'd need to interview," I say cautiously.

"Under normal circumstances you would but Alexia Lucas from your old school sent a glowing recommendation as did your old Principal. I also know what you've been through Drew, losing a child and now your wife is sick with cancer. I lost my son to cancer a few years ago. This isn't a pity job don't think that but I really don't think we could possibly find anyone better for the job."

"Thank you this is wonderful, I thought we might get to a basic interview today but knowing I have a job is a huge load off my mind. Clare, my wife will be so relieved when I tell her."

"I have some forms for you to fill out and some stuff to go over with you but Alexia sent us over a lot of stuff as well."

I spend the next half hour filling out forms and then Jennifer goes over some stuff with me. Tells me when the first meeting is I need to be at and then gives me a tour of the campus. I return to the clinic a little after 4:30 and go straight to Clare's room.

"How'd it go?" She asks. She looks a lot better, she's sitting up in her bed, Adam sits at the foot of it and she seems to be talking with everyone.

"It went great I got the job, I didn't even really have to interview I got such a great recommendation that they gave me the job. It's part time so Thursdays, Fridays and every other Wednesday switching off with a teacher that had twins."

"That's great and a relief that you have a job at least that's one thing we don't have to worry about," Clare smiles.

"Yeah and if money becomes a problem I can always get some tutoring work," I comment.

"I don't want you kids to worry about money you have enough to worry about. They're going to bring Clare dinner soon I think the rest of us should go down and get some dinner. We'll bring it back and eat together," Dad speaks up.

"We'll bring you back something Drew and give you two a few moments alone," Adam tells me as they leave.

"We don't have to worry about me getting a job anymore. I know we have a long road still but I think everything is going to be just fine," I tell Clare and give her a loving kiss.

 **The update next Tuesday will have more of Clare's treatments, people visiting her and maybe a different pov.**


	19. I'd be Lost if I Were to Lose You

**So this week has been very busy at work as we continue wrapping up end of the year stuff. Because of the craziness at work it will be short chapters for the most part this weekend. The 15** **th** **is our deadline so after that things should calm down a bit and chapters should be longer again. Tonight's chapter actually isn't short but as there was no chapter on Monday I was able to get a bit of a start on it on Monday so rejoice at the longer chapter.**

 **Ch. 19 I'd be Lost if I Were to Lose You**

 **(ADAM)**

"Hey she's still asleep, she knows I have a meeting today but she might still ask for me. They'll be coming to give her the morning chemo in a few moments," Drew tells me and Eli when we walk into Clare's room Monday morning. Clare's been here and receiving treatment for a little over two weeks now. The intensive treatment has begun to take it's toll on her body and Drew barely leaves her side. He wouldn't be leaving now but he has a staff meeting at his school that he has to be at.

"Don't worry about Clare we got this, just concentrate on work," Eli assures Drew. Eli's still working on a project in New York and he comes at least twice a week to see Clare and be here for Drew. I think better than anyone Eli knows what Drew is going through, we all care about Clare but it's different watching the girl you are in love with be sick than your daughter, best friend or close friend. Eli came home to nurse her through cancer in high school, Drew saw a little of it but he was hardly friends with Clare at that point. Now Drew is watching the girl he's in love with, and thought he might lose already, wither into this sickness and Eli has been good for Drew as a means of support.

"Thanks I'll try not to worry about her. I should be back by two but if it looks like the meeting is going to go later I'll call you," Drew says.

We say goodbye and Eli and I sit down in the chairs near Clare's bed. We watch for a few moments and then silently do things on our phones. A nurse comes in and starts the chemo machine, Clare sleeps through all of it and I look at her. She shaved her hair off over a week ago. Paige, Ash and Jenna brought her wigs and helped her. Drew assured her that she was beautiful, we all did. I'd seen her without hair last time; it wasn't even that scary to see it this time. What is scary this time is that she's so much skinnier and pale than last time. She looks like a skeleton, she's skin and bones, ghostly white and although I know she's sleeping she looks dead.

"Drew?" Clare whispers as she begins to wake up.

"He's at his meeting but me and Eli are here," I comfort her taking her hand in mind.

"We'll stay until Drew is back," Eli tells her with a hand on her arm.

"I'm not very good company," Clare says opening her eyes.

"That's okay I've done this before remember?" Eli comments with a smirk and it makes Clare smile a little.

"We can put on a movie," I offer.

"No movie I have a headache, can you read to me? Anything just get my mind off the treatment," Clare says.

We've all brought her books in the last couple of weeks so Eli picks one out and he starts reading to her. After a while a nurse comes in and stops the chemo. Eli reads a couple of chapters and Clare falls asleep again.

"She wasn't this bad last time," Eli whispers as he puts the book down.

"No she wasn't. She's older now though and the cancer had progressed farther. She was starting in a weaker state we just have to help keep her strong," I tell him but I'm also worried. Clare sleeps for about twenty minutes before waking up suddenly. She tries to get out of bed struggling to her blankets off.

"Clare?" I question.

"Need to vom," she says quickly with a weak and strained voice.

I get the blankets off of her and Eli helps her up, she starts to walk while dragging her IV pole. She only walks a few steps but already sounds out of breath and then she suddenly falters nearly falling to the floor but Eli catches her. She looks like she's about to throw up so I quickly grab the bucket from near her bed and put it in front of her. She throws up several times and Eli holds her as her body shakes with each time she vomits.

"Eli," I whisper lifting Clare's gown a little as I notice a rash on her thigh.

"That doesn't look good," he replies back looking at it with a furrowed brow.

"I'm done," Clare says trying to get up but she's struggling so Eli picks her up. He takes her to the bed and pull her IV.

"I'm going to get one of her doctors," I say to Eli as he hands Clare her water glass and she takes some sips. Eli nods and I leave Clare's room, I look up and down the hall but don't see anyone. I start walking to the desk of the floor nurse but I see Clare's Care Manager coming out of another patient's room. "Audrey," I call to her and she looks over at me.

"Hello Adam I was just about to look in on Clare," Audrey tells me.

"We need one of her doctors, something isn't right. She couldn't even walk a couple of steps, she was out of breath just doing that and she has this rash on her thigh and it's not bed sores," I inform her. As I'm telling Audrey her face begins to change from happy and placid to worry.

"I'll get Dr. Reddington the important thing is not to panic. Return to Clare's room calm and filled with healing energy she will pick up on whatever you're feeling," Audrey tells me. I nod and return to Clare's room and whisper to Eli that a doctor is coming. It's less than a minute later that Dr. Reddington comes in with Dr. Kennedy, Dr. Sander and Audrey.

"Hello Adam, Eli. Clare we're going to have a look at you," Dr. Reddington tells her.

"Okay but I feel a little dizzy," she says.

"That's okay you just lie there and we'll do the exam," he replies.

Clare nods and I see that Dr. Sander is looking at Clare's heart monitor and making some notes. Dr. Reddington and Dr. Kennedy take the blankets down to look at Clare and they instantly notice the rash on her leg. They spend a couple of minutes looking at her body and asking her questions but she's very fatigued and begins drifting to sleep again. The last thing they do is take some blood.

"What's wrong with her?" I question when they're done.

"We won't know for sure until the test results come back and I don't want anyone to panic needlessly until we know what we're dealing with. Do you know when Drew will be back we'll want to speak with him," Dr. Reddington says.

"He should be back about 2:30," I reply.

"Good, we'll be back to check on her soon and if you need anything let us know," Dr. Kennedy tells us. The three doctors leave the room now but Audrey stays.

"Is there anything I can do for you Clare?" Audrey asks.

"No just tired," Clare responds.

"Then you should sleep, if need anything at all let me know," Audrey says and Clare nods. "How about you two? Do you need anything? It doesn't look like you've had anything to eat," Audrey comments looking at me and Eli.

"I've been concentrating on Clare and hadn't really thought about being hungry," I comment and Eli nods in agreement.

"I'll have some food brought up and coffee as well. If there's anything else you need or Clare needs you know how to find me," Audrey insists.

"Thanks Audrey," I smile at her.

She smiles back and leaves the room, a short time later food is brought up and Eli and I eat what we can. The thing about hospitals is they tend to kill your appetite. Eli and I spend what feels like a very long day at Clare's bedside. When she's awake we talk to her and read to her but she can only seem to stay awake for an hour at most. When she's asleep we watch her intently, worried about what's wrong with her and hoping the doctors figure it out and make her better. Drew returns just before 2:30 and Clare is asleep.

"What's wrong?" Drew asks as soon as he comes in and sees our faces.

"The doctors took some blood to run some tests," I tell him. Eli explains what happened when Clare vomited and the rash.

Drew doesn't say anything he just sits on the edge of her bed and takes Clare's hand. He kisses her hand and the top of her bald head and then Clare wakes up.

"Drew?"

"Hi there Pretty Eyes," he grins at her.

"Adam and Eli took good care of me but I missed you," Clare tells him.

"Of course they took good care of you and I missed you too but I'm here now," he assuages Clare just as Dr. Reddington comes back in.

"We have the test results back and it's as we suspected the chemo has caused Clare's body to stop producing enough new blood cells. This is a rare condition known as aplastic anemia. It's a serious condition and we will start treating it immediately starting with medications. If the medications aren't effect then we'll begin with blood and platelet transfusions and if necessary may have to do a bone marrow transplant. Aplastic anemia can be fatal which is why treatment needs to be immediate and aggressive. If it comes to the point where we need to do a bone marrow transplant we will need to stop chemo until her body has accepted the transplant," Dr. Reddington tells us and we all turn various shades of green or white. "I know it's frightening but we're starting treatment right now. We'll monitor her closely and adjust all her treatments daily as needed to keep her strong as possible and healing. Take these Clare this is medication for the aplastic anemia, we will continue with the chemo but we'll be cutting back to one treatment a day until the aplastic anemia has been taken care of."

"How long will be do medication before attempting something more aggressive?" Drew asks while Clare swallows the pills.

"As I said we'll be monitoring her every day and will adjust her chemo and the treatment for the aplastic anemia as well as her other treatments and therapies as necessary," Dr. Reddington replies and Drew nods.

"Drew hold me," Clare requests with tears in her eyes. Drew doesn't say a word simply gets on the bed wrapping his wife in his arms.

"Do you guys need anything? Do you want us to stay?" I question.

"No you guys go home, thanks for staying with her. Can you guys call everyone and update them?" Drew requests.

"Yeah of course," Eli says.

We say goodnight, gather our stuff before leaving the room. I wave to Eli and get in my car to drive home; I don't have work today I got time off to be with Clare today. Paige won't be home for a couple more hours; I sit on the sofa and begin making phone calls. I call my parents first and tell them then I call Clare's parents. After that I call K.C. which is pretty much everyone, I text Eli and find out he's called Owen and Jake. By the time I'm done making phone calls and talking to everyone I hear Paige's car in the driveway so I get up to greet my wife at the door.

"Hi Gorgeous," I grin and embrace my wife giving her a deep and passionate kiss full of every drop of love I possess for her.

"My that was quite the greeting," Paige grins when we break the kiss, "what was that for?"

"Just happy to have my beautiful wife home and grateful that you're healthy," I reply as she locks the door.

"How is Clare?" Paige asks.

"Not good she has aplastic anemia, they're beginning treatment but it could kill her. She was very weak and they're cutting back on her chemo treatments until the aplastic anemia is gone. They're doing medications first and if that doesn't work blood transfusions and if that doesn't work a bone marrow transplant. If she needs a transplant they'll have to stop chemo all together for a while, until her body has accepted the transplant. I watched her in the hospital last time, I saw her sick, I even knew she could die but this time I'm worried that she really will die."

"They've been through so much I can't imagine how Drew is holding up," Paige says as we walk to the sofa and sit down.

"He's barely holding it together for her sake. I called our parents and hers they'll all be down this weekend and Helen is coming tomorrow. K.C. and I talked about getting Drew out this weekend, away from the hospital. It would be good if the girls were with Clare even if she's not up for much."

"Of course we will, I'll talk to Ash and Jenna this week and we'll make a plan for whatever Clare is up for. Are you hungry? I was going to hop in the shower but I can make dinner first," Paige says.

"Let's make dinner together and then shower together, after today I just don't want to spend a moment without you," I tell her.

Paige smiles and gives me a tender loving kiss. We go into the kitchen and make a simple dinner together. We eat and then clean up before going into our washroom to shower. Paige turns on the water and I undress my wife, taking her blazer off and then unbuttoning her blouse. I take it off her body and kiss her soft skin. As the washroom begins to fill with steam we finish undressing and step into the shower. I wash Paige's hair and her body, she washes me and then I turn off the water taking my wife into my arms for a long loving kiss. We dry off and get ready for bed even though it's still early but after the day I'm exhausted.

"Adam," Paige says as we crawl into bed, "ever since we found out Clare was sick and it brought her and Drew back together I've been thinking."

"About what?" I query putting my arm around her and she cuddles up to me.

"I want to have a baby. I don't want to wait Adam. After everything Drew and Clare have been through in the last few months I know I don't want to wait. I want to call tomorrow and schedule an appointment for implantation of your egg and donor sperm."

When I began going to the doctor to discuss hormone therapy, as the first part of my physical transition, the doctor recommended I freeze some eggs in case I wanted biological children one day. When I was sixteen I thought it was crazy and didn't think I'd want children or that if I were ever to marry my wife would want to be implanted with my egg. I still underwent the procedure and had several of my eggs frozen. Now I'm very glad that I did. After meeting Paige and falling in love of course her first questions were about sex but as the relationship developed and became more serious she asked about children. I told her about my frozen eggs and that they could be implanted into her and the child would be biologically mine. Paige loved this idea and was very grateful that it was option especially since she could get pregnant again with her own eggs. After I proposed to Paige and we knew that kids was something we wanted we asked our friends and family to donate sperm. Drew, Dylan, Marco, Owen and K.C. all donated and their sperm is frozen with my eggs. We have specifically asked not to know which sperm is used but we do know that it will be someone we love.

"Then call tomorrow and make an appointment we'll make this happen. We'll bring a beautiful child into this world. Maybe knowing they're going to be an aunt and uncle will give Clare and Drew strength."

 **(DREW)**

Holding Clare in my arms I watch her heart monitor and the hours tick by. I haven't slept all night, I couldn't I was too afraid to close my eyes. Instead I stayed awake watching Clare closely worried that she wouldn't make it through this. She had already been weak and beaten down after losing Ezra an event that took us both to the breaking point more than once. We almost lost each other, we almost got divorced and went our separate ways and in that single way her cancer was a blessing. It kept us together and gave us something to fight for. She almost gave up though, she almost decided it wasn't worth the fight and gave in to be with Ezra. She didn't go she stayed and fought, she's been fighting so hard but it wasn't enough.

I knew she'd get sick and look ill. I knew that the chemo and radiation would weaken her body and ravage it. In the last two weeks I've watched her begin to wither, I've watched her already fair skin fade of all color until she looks like a ghost. I've watched her body get thinner and thinner until her bones became visible through her skin. I've watched her eyes grow dimmer and her abilities begin to diminish. Now not only are the cancer and the chemo trying to kill her but she has a serious and potentially deadly condition. Now I'm too afraid to close my eyes because I'm afraid if I do one of these things will kill her and she'll lose this fight. If I lose her I'll be lost, if I lose Clare I'll no longer have anything to fight for or live for.

"Good morning Drew," Dr. Shaye greets me coming in to administer her chemo.

"Morning," I nod to him but don't let go of Clare.

"I know it's hard to sleep after the news you got yesterday but if you don't get some tonight I will give you something to make sure that you do," he says while turning on the chemo machine.

"Yes doctor," I nod but don't take my eyes off of Clare.

He leaves the room and I continue holding Clare, watching her and the heart monitor. Dr. Shaye returns to stop the chemo and he makes some notes in her chart. When he leaves I kiss Clare's temple and go back to lying there and watching her, at least until she starts to cough. I sit up and put her bed up, Clare makes a groan and it's a groan I know well it means she's about to throw up. I grab the bucket that we keep close to the bed and hold it for her. She has not eaten solid food in over a week, she's had no liquids other than water to drink and yet she throws up violently four times in a row, stops for a minute to catch her breath and throws up three more times in a row. Now that she's done she back on the bed with groan. I set the bucket down and press the call button to alert the nurse. A nurse comes in and I point to the bucket, she nods and takes it away to dispose of it before returning with a fresh bucket.

"You need to drink some water," I assert holding the straw to her lips for her to drink.

"Why? It will just come back up," Clare protests.

"Because you need to stay hydrated now please drink some for me," I insist again. She opens her lips and drinks some water.

"I'm losing this battle Drew, I can feel my body getting weaker and weaker. I don't think I can win this war this time," she tells me with a weak but apologetic voice.

"You can Clare; you have to because if you die it will kill me. If I lose you I will be lost because I will have lost everything. I can't survive this world without you at my side. You won't lose this war with cancer. I know you're weak and you're scared but I'm here to give you strength and so our friends and family. I love you Clare you were the vision of light that brought happiness to my life, you gave me a reason to be better and stronger and a will to make a life. You just keep fighting with whatever strength you have and you'll beat this. We'll come through this together," I insist to her and kiss her lips gently.

"I'm trying," she says when I take my lips away. "I'm tired again," she tells me.

"Then sleep, sleep is good for you and I'm here I won't leave you."

"Hold me all day long?"

"And all night," I tell her.

"I love you Drew," she whispers.

"I love you Clare," I smile and kiss her forehead again.

"You have been a source of strength for her since before you were together. I remember your friendship getting her through some difficult times in her senior year," Helen says as she walks in the room. I turn to look at her and wonder how long she was standing there. "Adam called last night and I got on the first flight I could," Helen explains but I had already figured it was something like that.

"It's been a tough road these last few months and I'm doing all I can to keep her strong and keep her fighting. I can't lose her; I can't even begin to picture a world without her light and her beauty, her smile and her sparkling eyes in it. That's not a world I want to live in, it's not a world I could live in. She needs all of us here, I know people have lives and jobs but she always seems so much stronger when everyone is here with her."

"I know, Glen is coming in this weekend and Jake and Katie are trying to find cheap airfare to come out. Your mom said she'd come down tomorrow she had a meeting she couldn't miss today but I promised to call with updates. I've tried everything possible to find Darcy and get her home, everything short of hiring a private detective but it's like the earth swallowed her up she seems to have totally disappeared. Well anyway Clare has a lot of support and love and I know my baby can fight cancer she's beat it once and she'll beat it this time. She just has too," Helen affirms.

"Yeah she does have lots of love and support and she has to make it through this," I nod in agreement and look into my wife's eyes. _"She has to beat the cancer because if she doesn't make it through this neither will."_

 **The update next Tuesday will either start from around here or pick up with the weekend and lots of people around for Clare. And will also likely include Paige and Adam going to the doctor for IVF.**


	20. At the Junction of Right Now & a Little

**Everyone head to tomfeltonlover1991's page on the DeGrassi Saviors website and vote in her poll. She needs help deciding on a plot for a DeGrassi & 5 Seconds of Summer crossover. You can vote as many times as you like so keep voting.**

 **Next week there will be no chapters on Tuesday or Wednesday and possibly Thursday. I will keep you guys updated but we have to meet a deadline of January 31** **st** **and it's going to mean some crazy days and long hours so no chapters. Monday and Friday next week will for sure have chapters, Thursday might have a chapter depending on how the day goes.**

 **Of course today was busy as usual and it's on the short side. This chapter also ended up being all in Paige's pov.**

 **Ch. 20 At the Junction of Right Now & a Little Too Late**

 **(PAIGE)**

"Okay Paige we're going to extract an egg now. As we discussed previously this will take about twenty minutes. Some patients experience minor cramping or bleeding after it's normal and you can take over the counter pain medication. We'll be using donor sperm with both your egg and Adam's egg in the lab. When both eggs have become fertilized we will have back in for implantation in the uterus."

"Thank you Doctor," Adam smiles taking my hand.

When Adam and I began discussing having children and came in for our first consult with the doctor he asked if I wanted one of my eggs to be fertilized as well. Adam and I both said yes even though we knew it could result in twins. However we couldn't imagine anything better than being pregnant with twins and each of our eggs. We also know that there are risks with IVF and it was possible even both eggs were fertilized we could still lose one fetus.

The procedure of egg extraction goes well and I have no pain or bleeding. After leaving the doctor's office we drive to Manhattan and the cancer clinic where Clare is getting treatment. Adam has been going every day to see Clare after work. Her aplastic anemia is making her extremely weak. When we get to Clare's room she's sleeping and Drew is sitting next to her bed holding her hand. Helen and Audra are both in the room, sitting on the sofa and talking quietly.

"How was the appointment?" Audra asks.

"It went fine but it will be several days before we know if the fertilization was successful and then we'll go back in for implantation. Any news here?" Adam questions.

"The medications don't seem to be working she's just getting weaker and weaker. They want to give the medications another 48 hours and then they'll start giving her transfusions. They're already asking for people to get tested for bone marrow transplant," Drew tells us with such agonized and heartbroken voice it's hard to hear.

"I've been tested and Clare's father is being tested at a local hospital but we have no way of getting in touch with Darcy. I've tried everything she's just disappeared. I've reached out to other family and so has a Randall but the more distant the relation the less likely the match. We'll be asking everyone to get tested just in case," Helen says and her voice too is strained by pain and fear.

"I'll get tested," Adam nods.

"Drew maybe you should go get some dinner," I remark. He hasn't looked at us since we walked in he's just watching Clare.

"I'm not hungry," he shakes his head.

"They'll send food up, he hasn't left her side at all but his job starts in a few weeks. Glen and Omar will be down in the morning. Owen and Ash said they'll come by tomorrow along with K.C. and Jenna. Jake and Katie are flying out this weekend in case…" Helen is saying and her sentence drifts off. We all know what she was going to say though; they're flying in in case Clare dies. With this terrible thought we all go silent and we remain silent until Drew breaks the silence.

"Hey Pretty Eyes," Drew grins and we look over to see that Clare has opened her eyes, "Adam and Paige are here."

"Hi," Clare smiles, "did you see the doctor today?"

"Yeah and our eggs are in a lab to get fertilized," I tell her.

"That's great news, you'll be wonderful parents," Clare says.

"And you're going to have a niece or nephew or two of each or one of each," I comment.

"Being an aunt will be fun, Drew and I can spoil them and give them back to you," Clare smiles and then coughs a little.

"It will be fun to be the ones to do the spoiling," Drew grins as he helps Clare drink some water.

"Drew," Clare gasps in a sort of desperate whisper and then her eyes roll back and alarms start going off.

"CLARE!" Drew cries just as doctors rush in.

"Her pressure dropped," a nurse says in a sharp voice.

"She's probably bleeding let's get her to imaging, get some blood in her and stabilize pressure we'll need to open her up," the doctor commands and Clare is rushed out on a gurney.

When they're all gone Drew and Helen just collapse. They're still conscious but they're slumped over and sobbing, what just happened has deflated them completely and you can see how they're hardly holding on or keeping it together. Audra is doing what she can to console Helen while Adam and I do what we can to console Drew.

"Clare is being prepped for surgery, she has some internal bleeding. They'll stop the source of the bleeding and then we'll begin giving her blood and platelet transfusions," Audrey says coming in after a short time.

"Will she be okay?" Drew asks with tears running down his face.

"They're stabilizing her for surgery now. They know where the bleeding is, they'll stop it and give her clotting medication but they have to be careful. The bleeding is a side effect of the aplastic anemia, she had some internal bruising and it bled. The surgery should take less than an hour. You can stay in here; she'll be brought back in. If there's a complication with the surgery then I will be back but everything should go fine. If anyone needs anything call me."

We thank her and Audrey leaves. I realize people need to be called so while Audra and Adam comfort Drew and Helen I step out to the hall. I call Omar first, he and Glen are already coming in the morning but I figure they should know what's going on. Omar says he'll call Glen and thanks me for calling. Next I call Ash and Owen; I call her cell but am surprised when Owen answers.

"Hey Paige Ash is in the shower," Owen tells me.

"Oh that's fine I was calling to let you guys know Clare is in surgery. She was bleeding internally."

"Fuck. We'll be right there. How's Drew holding up?"

"About how you'd expect, he and Helen both. If Clare doesn't make it through this I'm not sure that Drew will either."

"Yeah," Owen sighs, "I just heard the shower turn off. We'll head straight there."

"See you soon, I still have to call Jenna and K.C. and I should call Jake too. Anyway I'll see you guys soon," I say and hang up. I call Jenna and tell her the same and she says that she and K.C. are on her their way. Finally I call Jake, it's about three in California and Jake's at work but I call his cell.

"What happened?" Jake inquires knowing that the only reason I would have to call him is if something is wrong with Clare.

"She was bleeding internally and she's in surgery. She should be out soon and they'll begin blood transfusions."

"Shit. I'll call Katie maybe we can get our flight changed to tonight."

"We'll call you when she's out and if anything else happens."

"Thanks we'll see you guys tonight or tomorrow," Jake replies and hangs up.

"I called everyone," I tell them when I go back into Clare's room. "Owen, Ash, K.C. and Jenna are all on their way."

"That's good Clare will need lots of support, she'll know that we're all here even if she's not awake," Adam says.

I sit down with Adam again and help to console Drew. After a while, what feels like a very long while, Clare is brought back in. She's got a blood bag on her IV and two more bags. She's asleep and looks more pale than usual which I didn't think was possible. We all move away so they can get her on the bed and back on the monitors and all.

"The surgery went well and we stopped the bleeding," Dr. Kennedy tells us while Clare is getting hooked up. "We've started her on blood and platelet transfusions she's going to be weak after the surgery and we're going to keep her sedated for several hours so she can heal from the surgery. We'll be monitoring her condition and I'll be meeting with her care team later this evening. It's clear that the aplastic anemia medications aren't working so we'll continue with the transfusions but we will begin testing people for a possible transplant tonight."

"Thank you doctor," Helen nods.

Dr. Kennedy leaves as do the nurses and orderlies now that Clare is all hooked up. Drew looks at his wife and takes her hand; he kisses the back of it gently before interlacing their fingers.

"You know if all of us are staying here tonight, and I imagine we are, we'll need hotel rooms," Adam speaks up. Audra and Helen are staying in Drew's room at the attached hotel.

"Yeah let's go see what we can find we can reserve them and change the credit cards when the others arrive," I nod. Adam tells them we'll be back, we both kiss Clare's forehead and leave the room getting in our car. "You know I forgot to call Eli," I remark.

"I'll call him, here let's try this place it doesn't look like much but I imagine we'll be at the hospital for the most part anyway," Adam says pulling into a cheap looking motel. The motel has no vacancies so we get back in the car. I start driving while Adam calls Eli. "Hey Clare went into surgery, she's out but she was bleeding internally…yeah everyone else is on their way too we're looking for rooms right now…okay sounds good Paige and I need to eat anyway," Adam says and hangs up. "Eli said he's coming and he might have a solution to the problem of where we'll stay. He said he'll call us back in a bit, we should get something to eat and then head back to the hospital."

"Yeah I guess I am a little hungry," I reply. We find a restaurant and pull off waiting for Eli to call back. Eli calls just after we finishing eating and gives us an address to meet him at in an hour. We eat dinner and pay then leave and find the address Eli gave us. Eli is waiting for us outside a fancy building, he hugs us and waves to the doorman when we walk in and get on the elevator. Eli uses a key and the top most floor lights up but there's no button to push.

"How was your appointment today?" Eli asks while we ride the elevator to the top floor.

"It was good they took one of my eggs and now one of each of our eggs is in the lab to get fertilized. If it takes I'll go back in about six days to have the fertilized eggs implanted."

"Great," Eli grins. The elevator doors open right into a gran apartment and there are two women standing there that look vaguely familiar. I don't know them personally but think I've seen picture of them in Adam's things.

"Fiona! Imogen!" Adam exclaims happily and rushes in to hug them.

"We went to high school with Fiona and Imogen, they dated back then and lost touch for a while but reunited three years ago and were married two years ago," Eli explains to me while Fiona and Imogen are still reuniting with Adam.

"You must be Paige it's wonderful to meet you and so nice to see Adam with someone he deserves. I'm Fiona and this is my wife Imogen. This is my parent's place but they're in Europe and we've been staying here while our loft is getting renovated. Anyway there's plenty of room for everyone to stay here and we understand that it's not too far from the hospital," Fiona says. I shake hands with her and then Imogen.

"Have you been in touch with Eli this whole time?" Adam inquires. We move into the living room and sit on the sofa.

"No actually I ran into Eli just yesterday and we caught up. He told us about Clare it's just terrible we thought we'd go visit but we weren't sure if it was okay," Imogen replies.

"Yeah it would be good, the more people to visit Clare the more support she has and Drew too," I tell them.

"Yeah and I'm sure Drew will happy to see you guys. Clare too but they're keeping her sedated so she can heal and they'll wake her up tomorrow," Adam adds.

"They've been through so much already I can't imagine how Drew is holding it together," Fiona says.

"He's not really. He's already lost his son and the strain of that nearly broke their relationship. They had even drawn up divorce papers and then Clare gets cancer and now she's hovering near death," Adam speaks but his voice gets tiny and strained at the end.

"It's just awful. I called Declan I thought he might want to know he was pretty fond of Clare when she was young. He's in London but he's going to try to come out. On a happier note Eli told us you two are trying to get pregnant," Fiona remarks.

We spend about a little while talking with Fiona and Imogen. Adam and I tell them about the IVF process and we hear about their wedding and I get some deeper background on their relationship. After that we all leave for clinic again in one car. We take them up to the room which is pretty full but it's good that so many people are here for Clare and Drew and Helen.

"Hey look who we found," Eli announces and everyone looks over.

"Fiona, Imogen it's good to see you guys," Drew smiles. He actually gets up and comes over to hug them.

"Hi Drew it's really good to see you I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances," Fiona says.

"Yeah we're really sorry for everything you and Clare have been through. Oh my gosh she looks…" Imogen is saying catching sight of Clare.

"It's okay you can say it she looks like death," Drew comments going back over and taking Clare's hand again.

With Drew's attention back on Clare Fiona and Imogen greet Audra and Helen, they hug Owen, say hello to Jenna and K.C. and then meet Ashley. Fiona tells Owen, Ash, Jenna and K.C. that we can stay at Fiona's parent's house. We all stay for a couple more hours but Clare is out and when Drew falls asleep at her bedside we decide to leave. Eli, Adam and I ride with Fiona and Imogen again and the others follow us, except for Helen and Audra who are staying at the hotel attached to the clinic.

"Well we have the master but there's Declan's old room, my old room, the guest room and Dad's office. Eli should probably take Dad's office and the rest of you can pick any room you like," Fiona says when we're all up in the apartment.

While Fiona gets Eli set up in the office Imogen shows us through the rest of the apartment. Adam and I decide to sleep in Fiona's old room, there's a queen bed and it actually reminds me quite a bit of my room in high school. Jenna and K.C. take Declan's old room; Owen and Ash take the guest room. Imogen points out washrooms and everything and then we go down to the living room. Even though it's been a long day and we're all tired we're all worried about Clare so we sit in the living room talking for a while.

"Are you okay?" I ask Adam when we're in our room and getting ready for bed.

"I don't know, I'm worried about Clare and my brother. I'm sorry I know we are preparing for a baby and I should be thinking about that," Adam apologizes.

"You should but you should also be thinking about Drew and Clare. They've been through a lot and they're going through a lot and it's taking a huge toll on them and all of us. Right now let's get to sleep so we can be with them tomorrow," I comment and Adam kisses me.

"I love you so much you brought a light to my life and you make me endlessly happy. I don't know how I got so lucky to be with you," Adam says.

"By being the incredible person you are," I reply and kiss my husband again.

 **Like I said next week there is no chapter next week because of work obligations. The update on Tuesday February 2** **nd** **will probably begin the following day and may also include Paige and Adam returning to the doctor for implantation.**


	21. Just Think Of All The Time I've Been Los

**This last week was just crazy at work but thankfully it's done now and I'm back. There won't be any skipped chapters this week, there might be a short chapter or 2 but no skipped ones.**

 **Before we get started some DeGrassi Saviors website news~**

 **1) Check the home page for two new features. Three ship polls and part one of a part series of "If DeGrassi Characters Were" lists. The first list is "If DeGrassi Characters Were Other TV Characters"** **The ship polls will be coming down Fiday so get in your votes!**

 **2) Check out dragonsprits page for announcements, updates and clues for his stories.**

 **3) Head to tomfeltonlover1991's page for a poll to help her decide on a crossover for DeGrassi and 5 Seconds of Summer. It's currently tied so get those votes in.**

 **In other DeGrassi Saviors news check out dragonsprit's story My Self Inflicted Twisted Reality. If you enjoyed Extremes of Leather and Lace you will like this story.**

 **Now onto tonight's chapter! It's short of course because my Tuesdays are always long.**

 **Ch. 21 Just Think Of All The Time I've Been Losing**

 **(CLARE)**

I open my eyes and find Drew in my room, he's always in my room he only leaves when forced to go to work. I squeeze his hand with as much strength as I have and he opens his eyes.

"Hey Beautiful do you need anything?" Drew asks.

"Just you," I respond.

"I'm here," Drew says kissing my lips gently, "how do you feel today?"

"The same."

"They'll be in shortly to give you more blood transfusions and medication."

"And then they'll be in to give me chemo and I don't know how many more I can take. My body is getting weaker and weaker; I can't even leave the bed anymore."

"It will get better; you're going to get better," Drew insists squeezing my hand.

"If I don't promise me that you'll live on. You have to Drew, you have to live and find love again."

"Don't talk like that you're not going to die," Drew asserts.

I know he's not going to talk about it anymore tonight so I give up; the nurse comes in any way to give me more blood. They bring Drew breakfast and after an hour they begin my chemo treatment. I shiver when it begins and lie there for a short time but it isn't long before I feel the need to throw up and I'm shaking and sweating. I hardly have the strength to throw up but Drew knows the look and he puts the bucket near me so I can vomit. He covers me with an extra blanket and does his best to hold me while I'm getting my treatment. Eventually I can't remain conscious any longer, my body too weak to stay awake during the treatment. I sleep a lot lately. The peace of sleep keeps me from the pain. I sleep for quite a while and wake up to lots of voices in the room. I open my eyes and see the room filled with people, Adam and Paige are here, so is Eli, Fiona and Imogen, my parents and Drew's.

"Everyone's wasting their Saturday at the hospital," I say weakly. They were all having their own conversations and my voice is weak they all stop talking and look at me.

"We're not wasting anything we wanted to see you," Eli says coming over and kissing my temple.

"Is there anything we can do for you?" Imogen asks.

"No it's just nice to see everyone."

They stay for several hours; Owen and Ashley come and in the afternoon Jenna and K.C. arrive with Jake and Katie. They kiss my forehead and find somewhere to be in the room. When it's near dinner time I look at Drew who has not left my bedside.

"You should go get dinner with your parents or with the guys," I assert to my husband.

"No I'm not leaving you," he shakes his head.

"Drew you need to get out. Owen," I say turning my head to him and he looks at me, "take Drew out for dinner and make sure he gets away from this hospital for a while. You should all go."

"I'll go to dinner but I don't want you to be here alone," Drew insists.

"I'll stay with her, the rest of you go do to dinner," Adam says.

"I'll be back in an hour," Drew says kissing me softly and getting up reluctantly.

"We'll keep him out for two," Owen assures me.

"We'll bring you back some dinner Adam," Audra tells him.

"Clare if you need anything have Adam text us," Paige says. She kisses Adam goodbye and they all leave.

"Adam you need to promise me something."

"What?"

"If I don't make it through this promise that you'll look out for Drew. Keep him from doing anything stupid like MMA fighting or anything else. Make sure he gets through it and finds love again. He keeps saying that he can't make it without me but you must make sure he does."

"I promise Clare," Adam assures me.

He doesn't argue with me and tell me I'm not going to die because he knows it's a possibility. I know he doesn't want me to die but we both know, especially at this point, that it could happen. I'm very tired after so many visitors today. Adam puts on a movie and I fall asleep not long after it starts, I don't wake up until much later and Drew is back at my bedside.

"How was dinner?" I question.

"It was good but I wanted to be here with you," Drew replies.

"You can't always be here with me."

"I don't ever want to miss a moment I could be spending with you," he tells me and gives me a tender loving kiss.

"I love you and I'm about to fall asleep again. Will you get in the bed and hold me?"

"Always my love, I will always hold you," Drew grins and gets on the bed with me. He wraps me in his arms and I kiss him again before drifting to sleep in the safety and comfort of my husband's arms.

 **(DREW)**

Clare is asleep in my arms, it's very early in the morning and I've been awake for about an hour. Clare's heart monitor was beeping erratically and it woke me up. The nurse came in and assured me Clare was fine but I still couldn't get back to sleep.

I stroke my wife's arm and her skin moves with my fingers. It's frightening how she's literally skin and bone; she doesn't seem to have any flesh or even muscle any longer it seems. I feel like she's just withering away, like I'm just going to wake up one morning and find that she's withered away. It's all I can do to just hold Clare, caress her arm and watch her sleep. When the sun begins to come up I begin to fall asleep again. My eyes close and I feel myself drifting off again but when I feel Clare's head nuzzling against my chest my eyes open again.

Clare's eyes open at the same moment mine do and I smile, not just because I'm gazing into my wife's beautiful eyes but because they seem brighter today. As the sun brightens the room a little more I see her skin seems to have some color back and there's even some pink in her cheeks. She looks more alive and it's an incredible relief to see the life back in her. I smile and kiss her because I'm just so happy to see the life back in her.

"Hi beautiful wife, you look so much better today."

"I feel a little better," she says and I even hear it in her voice it's stronger and happier.

I'm so happy that she's looking better and feeling better that all I can do is kiss her. I kiss her lips and the tip of her nose then each of her eyebrows and her forehead and then her lips again and again and again.

"Well we seem to be in a good mood this morning," Dr. Shaye says when he comes in to start Clare's treatment.

"She looks better today, she has some color and she feels better," I tell him.

"Yes you are looking a lot better Clare. I think we're going to take some blood before we being your treatment today. Drew you'll need to hop off the bed," Dr. Shaye comments and I kiss Clare one more time and get off the bed.

Dr. Shaye leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a nurse. The nurse is holding a tray with all the stuff he'll need to take some of Clare's blood. They take three vials and then wait half an hour before they begin her treatment. I hold her in the bed like I always do and we watch a movie while it's going, she still gets sick after the chemo treatment but she doesn't fall asleep. Usually she falls asleep just after vomiting because she can't stay awake but today she stays awake and I hold her in my arms just looking into her gorgeous blue eyes. We stay like that pretty much all day, I don't even leave her to eat, I'm not hungry I'm just happy that she's looking better and feeling better.

"I have some very good news," Dr. Shaye says coming in late in the evening, "you no longer have A-plastic anemia. We will keep you on the medications and infusions a few more days and we will continue to monitor you closely. In a few days we'll begin increasing the chemo treatments again. For now we need to let your body heal a little."

Dr. Shaye says a little bit more about how her treatments will increase and such before he leaves. I stay in the bed with Clare but call or text everyone that her aplastic anemia is gone. The last person I call is Adam because he and Paige were at the clinic today to get their fertilized eggs implanted in Paige's womb making Paige officially pregnant today.

"Hey is everything okay?" Adam asks when he answers.

"Yes better than okay her aplastic anemia is gone she's getting better. They still have to monitor her and make sure it doesn't return but she's better, you should see her Adam she has some color back and her eyes are alive again."

"That's fantastic news we'll come tomorrow after work. Tell her that's great and we love her."

"Here you can tell her yourself," I say and put it on speaker. They tell her and we talk for another moment before hanging up. "You're getting better, this is one step back to healthy you're going to be this Clare," I declare to her and kiss her gently.

"I will beat this," she smiles and joins our lips again.

Over the next couple of weeks she continues to get stronger, they're able to stop the blood transfusions and the medications. Even after they increase her treatments the aplastic anemia doesn't return and she stays strong, relatively anyway. She still gets sick with every treatment and she's generally pretty weak for an hour or two after her treatments. Even so she remains strong overall, with color in her cheeks and her eyes look alive. By the time school starts and I have to go to work I'm not even worried about her. She's able to get out of bed, goes on walks in the garden and she's begun physical therapy to start rebuilding her muscles.

"I'll be back by five; Adam is coming as soon as he's off. Call the school if you need anything," I tell Clare. I already changed for work in my room at the hotel. She won't be alone her mom is here, Clare is rarely alone there's almost always one of us here with her.

"I know, have a good first day with your students," she says and kisses me.

"I will but I'll be thinking of you the whole time. I love you."

"I love you."

I say goodbye to Helen and leave the hospital. I drive to the school and go to my classroom. Today Hazel, known to the kids as Mrs. Harrison, and I are teaching together but after today I'll be teaching Thursdays and Fridays and every other Wednesday. I greet Hazel and we wait for our students to arrive. Like the other teachers we were here most of last week getting the classroom ready for today. Kids soon begin arriving with their parents and Hazel and I greet them and introduce ourselves. We tell all the kids to find the desk with their names on it but they all look around the classroom before finding their desk. We spend the day getting to know the kids and having them introduce themselves to the class. They have two recesses and a lunch which is an hour and a half of the day. School lets out at 2:30 and we wait until every kid has been picked up or is on the bus. We clean up the classroom and then Hazel goes home to her twins and I go to the hospital and my wife. Helen is still here and so is Adam. I greet Helen and Adam before kissing Clare.

"How was your first day?" Clare asks.

"It was good, the kids are sweet for the most part but there's always that one trouble maker. How are you feeling?"

"Good I even ate a little dinner," she says.

"That's great," I smile and kiss her forehead.

"Hey are we interrupting anything?" Owen asks poking his head in with his arm around Ash.

"You know you guys are always welcome here," Clare grins waving them in.

"You know Owen and I went away this weekend," Ashley comments as they come in.

When Clare had the aplastic anemia no one wanted to go anywhere and anyone who didn't live in New York was here as much as possible to be with her. Even after she was doing better it took a couple weeks for anyone to go away for the weekend and not be here all weekend. Owen and Ash decided to go away this last weekend, they had been planning to go away in August but Clare was too sick and they didn't want to get the call that Clare had died while they were gone.

"Yeah how was it?" Clare asks.

"It was great, very romantic and we got lots of pictures to show you. We also got engaged," Ash tells us and shows us the ring.

"You guys that's great! I'm so happy for you," Clare grins getting out of bed. She pulls her IV pole and goes over to hug them both and kiss them both on the cheeks. "That ring is gorgeous. It's about damn time Owen," Clare says smacking his arm lightly.

"Yeah well we were going to go last month but we didn't want to leave you," Owen replies.

I hug Owen and Ashley so does Adam and Helen. They stick around for a couple of hours and show us pictures of their vacation. Helen goes back to the hotel and the others go home by eight. Now it's just me and Clare and she's already starting to shake and sweat from her second chemo treatment of the day.

"I don't know that I'm going to last another five weeks or longer of these treatments. This is better than Toronto Western but it's still a hospital and twice a day, no matter how good I feel, I get these treatments and I want to die."

"I know and I hate how the treatments make you feel and what they do to you but they are working. You can last five more weeks or ten more weeks or however long it takes to go into remission and get better. I'll be here with you, so will everyone else and I'll do whatever I can to make this seem less like a hospital."

"I love you Drew. I'm grateful I have you."

"I love you Clare."

 **Update next Tuesday will begin with Drew and Clare having a date at the hospital.**


	22. No Matter What Now We've Got One Another

**Before we get started some DeGrassi Saviors website news~**

 **1) If DeGrassi Characters were Actors from Hollywood's Golden Age has been added to the homepage. The second of 5 DeGrassi "if" lists Christlove88 & myself are doing.**

 **2) The ship polls are now closed the winning ships have been announced and publishing dates for the shots will soon be announced.**

 **3) The poll on tomfeltonlover's page is also closed the winning story is Maya's band opening for 5 Seconds of Summer.**

 **In other DeGrassi Saviors news check out dragonsprit's story My Self Inflicted Twisted Reality. If you enjoyed Extremes of Leather and Lace you will like this story. Also check out dragonsprit's page for updates and clues.**

 **It's really short today but it was my birthday I had other things to do. In honor of my birthday it's super happy and there's cake!**

 **Ch. 22 No Matter What Now We've Got One Another**

 **(CLARE)**

"Five more Clare," Cavin tells me. Cavin is my physical therapist; since the aplastic anemia went away I've been doing an hour a day to rebuild my muscles and strength.

"I can't do five more," I whine.

"Yes you can," he encourages and I push on the too lift the weights. I barely manage to do five more reps and then I'm done. "You did great Clare that was three more than yesterday. Eric take Clare back to her room please and tell Drew she did excellent today," Cavin comments to the orderly that's been waiting for me.

I take a couple shaky steps to my wheelchair and Eric takes me back to my room. It's Friday evening and I knew Drew would be home from work when I was done with my session but I expected him to be in my room but he's outside the door.

"Thanks I can get it from here," Drew tells Eric.

"She did great today," Eric says before leaving me with Drew.

"What's going on? You're never waiting outside my room and my door isn't closed unless I'm sleeping or something."

"Your door is closed because it's not your room, when I open the door we're in Italy and we're on a date," Drew replies.

"It sounds great but I'm all sweaty and not dressed for Italy."

"You look beautiful but you can change if you want," Drew replies opening my door.

I smile when I see my room; it's been decorated from top to bottom. The lights have been dimming and there are strings of lights all around. Potted plants, I'm sure are fake but are still pretty, are hanging from the ceiling. Almost everything to remind me that this is a hospital has been covered by pictures of things in Italy. Italian music is playing and I smell Italian food. It's almost like being in Italy.

"This was a lot of work I can't believe you did all this," I remark as Drew wheels me into the room.

"I didn't do it alone I had a lot of help from everyone. And this is only the start, once a week at least, from now until you are out of this hospital we will turn this room into somewhere else in the world."

"It's incredible I love it and I love you," I grin.

"It's nothing but you deserve the world and I'm giving you as much of it as I can while you're still in the hospital. If you want to change I'll get dinner on the table," Drew tells me.

"For something this special I'd like to not be in sweats, and wearing a wig. We might be the only ones in here but I want to look good for our date," I comment.

"I already told you that you look amazing and always look beautiful to me. Now why don't you get changed and I'll get dinner set up," Drew says wheeling me to the closet.

I stand up and pick out a dress and a wig. I change into a black dress and brunette wig that's close to my real hair color. When I go out to the room again Drew has dinner all set up and flameless candles on the table. It's wonderfully sweet and romantic even if he did have help and it wasn't all his idea. He got dinner from my favorite Italian place, which I'm guessing he had Owen or Adam pick up from the city to bring out here.

"All we're missing is a gondola ride," I remark as we begin eating.

"Yeah they wouldn't let me flood the yard," Drew replies with a sarcastic grin and it makes me smile.

"You know with everything we've had to go through recently I forgot how incredibly charming and wonderfully sweet you could be. It's been so long since I've seen that boyish smile on your face I forgot that it's one of the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place."

"I know it hasn't been about us in a long time. As soon as Ezra was born it became all about him and then suddenly it was all about our grief because he was gone. Our grief brought out our anger and we were just trying to survive. And then it became all about making sure you would live, it was all about your disease. That's part of the reason for tonight and why I want this to be a regular thing. We need to make it about us again, focus on us and remember why we fell in love in the first place. I do love you Clare, I love you so much, more than ever because of all we've been through and come through together," Drew says reaching across the table and taking my hand.

I smile at my husband and lean across the table to kiss my husband, "I love you too Andrew. I love you so much and I am so grateful for you. You are amazing and wonderful and incredibly sweet."

He smiles and squeezes my hand softly before releasing it so we can finish eating. After we eat we sit on my sofa together, Drew set up a video screen and Eli, Fiona and Adam put together a movie of places in Italy almost like we're touring Italy. Just before they come in for my treatment Drew helps me into my pajamas and while I'm getting my treatment he plays the movie again.

"I love you Drew, more than anything," I smile kissing his chest just before I fall asleep.

"I love you too Clare, more and more every day," he says stroking my hair and I fall asleep happily in my husband's arms.

 **(DREW)**

"Great job everyone your bats look great," I tell the class as they get ready to leave Friday afternoon. Halloween is next week and we spend the time after lunch making decorations for the party.

The bell rings and the kids gather their stuff and I walk them out to the pickup area. They all say goodbye or wave goodbye before leaving. I return to the classroom to clean up a little and get things prepped for Monday and for Hazel. I leave as soon as I can taking work with me so I ca be with my wife. I spend as much time with Clare as possible. She's not in the room when I get there but neither is anyone else and I know Paige and Adam spent the day with her. I sit on the sofa to get some work done; looking at homework from yesterday and grading spelling tests they had this morning. I put the work down when I hear Clare's voice in the hall.

"Hi Gorgeous," I grin when she gets wheeled in by Adam and Paige.

"We were walking in the garden and Clare walked most of the way," Paige smiles.

I grin and go over to kiss Clare. She's still pretty weak from the chemo and all but she's gotten so much stronger since overcoming the aplastic anemia.

"How was work?" Clare asks getting out of her chair to walk to the bed.

"It was good the kids are excited for the Halloween party next week."

"Owen and Ash are coming for dinner, they said they'd pick something up," Adam tells me.

"Good I'm getting hungry," I reply sitting on the bed with Clare.

I talk with Adam and Paige while Clare rests and we wait for Owen and Ashley. Paige is eleven weeks pregnant now, both eggs were fertilized and she's pregnant with twins. Both Paige and Adam are very excited to be parents and Clare and I are excited to be aunt and uncle. Owen and Ash arrive with food and Clare sits up to greet them and to eat.

"Good evening everyone I'm glad we have so many people here for this. I have wonderful news your latest tests show that you're in remission," Dr. Shaye tells us and my heart soars. I grin and embrace Clare tightly while everyone else cheers. Clare looks very happy and relieved but also like she can't believe it. "We're still going to keep you here for a couple weeks while we begin maintenance meds and while you're immunosuppressed. After that you can go home, you'll still need to take it easy. Since you can work remotely you can resume work part time but take it easy and don't overdo it you'll need time to build your strength again. Tomorrow the rest of your care team will join me and we'll discuss the next couple of weeks and your maintenance therapy but as of right now you are officially in remission."

"Thank you doctor this is wonderful news," I grin and kiss my wife.

Dr. Shaye leaves the room and Clare lets a breath I'm sure she's been holding since he came in the room. I see tears in her eyes because the news has brought her such relief and happiness. After fifteen weeks in the hospital, fighting the cancer, enduring chemo treatments that ravaged her body and aplastic anemia that nearly killed her she's finally in remission.

"This is incredible we should go call people and tell them the fabulous news," Paige grins.

"Yes and we'll go get a cake to celebrate, this deserves a celebration," Owen says.

"Thanks, I agree this deserves a big celebration," I nod. Everyone hugs Clare before leaving the room. When I'm alone with my wife I kiss her deeply and passionately, this is the best news I've heard since we found out she was pregnant with Ezra. "You're in remission, you're healing, you'll be back home. After all we've been through there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

"It's almost hard to believe we've been living in darkness for so long. I can't believe I'll be out of this hospital in a couple of weeks after fifteen weeks of this room and this bed. It will be nice to be back h…" Clare is saying when she stops. "Drew we don't have a home, we sold the house and you work here now."

"So we'll find a house here or closer to where I work. I'm sure we'll have help looking in the next couple of weeks and if we have to we can live at a hotel or something. I don't care about any of that right now. We'll find somewhere to live, a new house or apartment. Something brand new and healthy for you with lots of sunlight," I assure her taking her lips for a loving kiss. I break the kiss when I hear everyone else coming in.

"We called everyone and they all passed on congratulations and happy wishes. They all want to come out and have a true celebration when you're out of the hospital," Adam says.

"And we got a cake," Paige says setting down the cake. Owen cuts a piece and hands it to Clare on a paper plate and kisses her cheek.

"Things are getting better. Everything is going to be okay now, I love you Clare."

"I love you Drew."

 **Update next Tuesday will likely begin with Clare getting out of the hospital. We are also coming to the end of this story there are a few chapters left yet but it will soon be over. Replacing this story will be** _ **We Ain't Done Anything I'd Take Back**_ **.**


	23. Every Depth Of Good & Ill

**And we're back…again. I know it's been pretty chaotic and the long stories were back for just a few weeks before going on hold again so I could move. But I did move and long stories are back now and there won't be another short story month or one shot week until July.**

 **May and June calendars have been added to the DeGrassi Saviors website, the mobile calendar will be updated later this week.**

 **As per usual my Tuesday was rather busy so it's a little on the short side.**

 **Ch. 23 Every Depth Of Good & Ill**

 **(DREW)**

"You know I can walk," Clare scolds me when I pick her up out of the car.

"I know but this is a new place and I want to carry my wife across the threshold," I tell her as Adam and Paige get her bags from the car. Clare was released from the clinic today, in remission and getting stronger and healthier by the minute.

"You don't think you can argue with him do you Clare?" Adam laughs.

While she was still in the hospital I found us an apartment we could move into and with lots of help we were all moved in last weekend. Clare is seeing it for the first time but I know she'll like it. I also know everyone is waiting here to welcome her home so I don't have to open the front door. In fact Owen opens it and everyone cheers "Welcome Home" when we walk in. I set Clare down so she can greet everyone while I help Adam and Paige get the bags into the bedroom. Everyone is here, it's not as big our house but I did find a 3 bedroom loft that's an easy commute to her work when she wants to go back and I can still drive to the school. I have one of the bedrooms set up as her office and the other set up as a guest bedroom.

Eli flew in, our parents, Jake and Katie flew in to welcome her home. Of course Owen, Ashley, Jenna and K.C. are here. So are Ricky and his boyfriend and Clare's boss as well as Jennifer, my boss, and Hazel my co-teacher. There's food and a lot of talking and mingling, everyone talks about how good Clare looks and how healthy she seems and asks her what she wants to do now. And of course we show her around the loft and Clare loves everything. I'm happy just to have my wife at home and looking so happy and healthy and hopeful for the future.

"It's nice to be home," Clare smiles as we start getting ready for bed.

"You have no idea how good it is to have you home," I smile kissing her softly.

"Drew," she ventures when we're in bed.

"Yes Beautiful?"

"I want to try for children again. Having to fight cancer again and being so near death and so ready to give up I don't want to wait. We don't know what will happen next and I don't want anything in life to pass us by."

"Then we'll have another baby," I grin kissing her neck.

"Okay maybe not starting tonight," she giggles.

I smile and kiss her goodnight and we both fall asleep easily. Clare spends the next week adjusting to being home and out of the hospital, regaining more of her strength and adding touches to the loft and then we begin trying for a baby, at least once a day, every day for the next seven weeks we try and she never gets pregnant. Every test comes back negative and every attempt fails, not that I mind trying.

"I think we need to go see someone, the chemo may have done too much damage," Clare says as we get ready for my brother's New Year's Eve party.

"Then we'll make an appointment tomorrow to speak with a specialist," I reply.

"What if I can't have kids anymore?"

"Then there's other options and we'll always have each other and we can be an awesome aunt and uncle to Adam and Paige's kids."

Clare smiles and we finish getting ready for the party and we leave for Adam and Paige's place. It's not a big party but Owen and Ash are here, so is Jenna and K.C. along with some people from Adam and Paige's work. Paige hugs us when we come in, she's eighteen weeks pregnant now, not visible yet but she's got that pregnant glow now. We greet everyone else and get some food before sitting and talking with Owen and Ash.

"Any luck on the baby front?" Owen asks.

"Not yet we're going to a specialist, we'll call one tomorrow to make an appointment," I reply.

"I'm afraid the chemo and the radiation did too much damage and I can't get pregnant again," Clare says sadly and Owen reaches over to take her hand and squeeze it supportively.

The party is fun and Clare relaxes and temporarily forgets about the fact that she's not pregnant yet. We kiss at midnight and cheer the New Year with everyone, for Clare and I it's also the beginning of a fresh start. We say goodnight and goodbye to everyone and drive home. It's late and we're both tired so we go right to bed. Monday is still a holiday but I'm able to find clinic close to us and make an appointment for two weeks from today. Not that I mind spending the next couple of weeks trying for a baby. Before we even get to the appointment there is a mountain load of paperwork and pretesting we have to do.

"Hello Clare, Drew I'm Doctor Coldwater it's nice to meet you," the male doctor says coming in and shaking our hands.

"I've looked at your paperwork and your test results. Clare because of all the chemo we're going to an exploratory on your uterus with a very small camera. It will let us see better than a CT or MRI what kind of damage to your reproductive organs there might be. If you're ready to do it today we have a room ready," the doctor tells us.

"Will it hurt? Is it like surgery?" Clare questions.

"The camera is very tiny, it's like this," the doctor says showing us a small wire looking thing. If you feel any pain we'll give you a local," the doctor says.

"So the problem is with me then?" Clare asks in a shaky voice.

"We believe so, Drew's sperm count is high and the sperm are healthy. Your eggs seem to be viable so we believe it's something else in your body. You said in your paperwork that your periods had been irregular since the chemo."

"Yes but my oncologist said that was normal," Clare replies.

"It is but it could be indicative of something else as well. We really won't know until we get a look inside."

"Let's do it, now I want to know," Clare nods.

"Alright I'll have a nurse take you to the exam room and you can change into a gown," the doctor says picking up a phone and asking for someone to come in. A nurse comes in and we follow her down the hall to an exam room. She gives Clare a gown and tells her to take off everything below the waist. The nurse leaves the room and Clare changes getting on the table. After a few minutes the doctor comes in, she lies on the table and they have her legs in the stirrups and open wide. At first I'm holding her hand and looking as they insert the camera then I decide it's better to be up at her head. So I hold her hand and give her a reassuring look. She never seems to be in pain just worried. "Okay Clare we're all finished, you can sit up," the doctor says putting a blanket over her legs. "We were able to find evidence of at least one failed pregnancy, the damage to your uterus is was significant and I'm afraid you won't be able to carry a child ever again. There is simply too much damage it's not an environment a fetus can develop in even if we were to try implantation. There are other options of course; I can recommend a wonderful adoption agency in the area."

"Thank you doctor I'd like to go home now," Clare requests.

"Of course, I'll have the nurse send you home with some resources," the doctor says before he and the technician leave the room.

"It's fine, we can adopt a…"

"I don't want to talk about it Drew I just want to go home," she says. I kiss her lips softly and hand her clothes to her. She smiles at me and starts to get dressed, I turn around to get her purse and she grabs my hand. "I'm sorry, I love you and I need you I'm just…I need to…" she pauses a couple of times pausing on a trembling breath and the verge of tears trying to formulate a sentence. I put my arm around her and hold her close; she leans into me and squeezes my hand.

"I know it's okay I'm not mad. We've been through a lot and we knew this could happen but it's still upsetting. As upset as I am I can only imagine how you feel. Look at me," I insist turning her head up to look at me. "It's not your fault, this doesn't mean you're inferior or defective in any way, the chemo and cancer and radiation ravaged your system. You survived cancer twice you are amazing."

"I love you," she grins and kisses me tenderly.

"Let's go home, we'll spend the rest of the day together and I'll hold you close," I tell her and she grins.

She gets dressed and we leave the clinic with a whole bag full of booklets and pamphlets on coping with infertility, adoption and fostering and surrogacy. When we get home Clare curls up on the sofa and I hold her and she cries, she cries a lot and all I can do is hold her and tell her I love her. She cries so much that she falls asleep on me. She wakes up later that evening and kisses me before going to bed even though she's been asleep all day. I heat up some dinner and call my brother.

"How was the appointment?"

"Not good her body won't carry another baby they said it looked like she'd been pregnant and lost it early, it wouldn't even take. We both knew this was a possibility but now it's real. I'm sad but I'm more worried about Clare, she knows it's not her fault but at the same time it's her body that failed her again. She cried herself to sleep and woke up going straight to bed and she's asleep again. I have to go to work tomorrow but I don't think she should be alone."

"We'll take care of her, how are you holding up?"

"I don't know honestly, just trying to be strong for Clare and keep us together. I'm not sure it's even really sunk in yet," I admit.

"Well when it does just promise me you'll call one of us when it does," Adam insists.

"Yeah I will."

 **(CLARE)**

"Hey I brought some lunch," Adam says coming into the loft.

"I'm not hungry," I reply without looking up.

"Well too bad because you're eating," Adam asserts setting a to-go container in front of me. I force myself to sit up and stir the fork through the Thai food. "You know you have other options," Adam says and I nod. We eat in silence and he watches mindless TV with me. "Have you been back to your office?" Adam asks.

"I don't need to go in I can work remotely. I sent in an article last week," I tell him.

"Have you worked on anything today?" He questions and I shake my head. "Maybe you should write about your experiences, it might be good for you," Adam suggests.

"I don't think I can do that yet," I shake my head.

Adam doesn't say anything else just sits with me until Drew gets home from work. Drew comes in and kisses me, he looks at his brother and they disappear into the back for a few minutes. When they come back Adam hugs me goodbye and I tell him to say hi to Paige.

"How was work?" I ask Drew.

"It was good, it doesn't look like you've gotten off the sofa," Drew comments and I curl up and start crying. He comes over kneeling down and taking my hands in his. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that to sound…I just…I love you," he stumbles over his words and I shake my head.

"I just couldn't seem to get up what's the point? I know I still have you and I should be focusing on us but I can't get over the fact that we'll never have kids. We lost Ezra for reasons no one could explain and now my body that's already betrayed me to cancer twice can't carry a baby. My body failed me again and we'll never have a baby that's a piece of us again. I knew we'd never have Ezra again but another baby we made still would have been a piece of each of us."

"We have options, they said your eggs were viable there's surrogacy," Drew tries telling me picking up the pamphlet. I sit up ripping it from his hand and tossing it to the ground.

"Have you even looked at that? Have you any idea how much that costs? We're hardly surviving as it is we're borrowing from your parents I've barely been back to work and you're a part time teacher we don't have that kind of money and even if we did I don't think I could hand another woman carrying our child. We'll never be approved for fostering or adoption agencies in the US or Canada. We don't have options, we're never going to have kids because I'm not good enough and don't tell me that's not it! I had cancer twice and it destroyed my system so it is me and we both know it and I need time to cope with all of that before I can get off the sofa," I snap at him and storm into the bedroom collapsing on the bed in tears.

I'm not angry at Drew, I love Drew and he's been incredible but I feel like I'm going crazy. It's been one thing after another and I'm not sure I've fully processed anything and this is just one more thing. In the clinic while I was sick it was just concentrating on surviving every day, getting through the next treatment, the next therapy and hoping I would live to get out.

I cry for a while and then gather myself before going back out to the living room. Drew is in the kitchen making dinner; I grip his shirt and turn him around. I wrap my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. He sets down the wooden spoon and puts his arms around me.

"I'm sorry, I know I've been a mess I don't deserve you and I'm not angry at you. I don't mean to be taking it out on you. You've been amazing, I'm not angry at you," I apologize.

"I know and considering everything we've been through I think we're doing pretty well. Maybe we need to not think about kids right now and just concentrate on getting our lives back together. You're right I am only working part time and so are you. I can take some tutoring work and you can get back to writing full time, when you're ready. If you need a few days or weeks to cope with not being able to have kids of our own then take that time, whatever you need. Clare you've been through so much, we both have and I can only imagine how you're feeling, being betrayed by your body that way. It's not your fault though, it's your body but you had no control. With everything else you're feeling the last thing I want you to do is shoulder blame that isn't yours to shoulder. Let's get our lives together again, in a few months we'll have babies around when Paige and Adam have their twins. I'll look into tutoring work tomorrow and you figure out what you need to cope with everything or to begin even processing it. Maybe we can get away the weekend of your birthday? Nothing extravagant just a weekend away somewhere just the two of us."

"That would be nice," I nod.

"Dinner's almost ready and you need to eat," Drew says kissing my forehead.

"I'll set the table," I nod stealing my husband's lips for a kiss.

 **Okay we are down to the last chapter of this, there might be two more chapters but next chapter is probably the last. And next chapter will most likely start with Paige having her twins.**


	24. We'll Pull Through in the End

**May and June calendars have been added to the DeGrassi Saviors website, the mobile calendar will be updated later this week.**

 **I've also added 17 upcoming stories to the list on my profile pages. Yes I was able to plot 17 new stories for us all to look forward to!**

 **This is the last chapter so I hope you all enjoy it.**

 **Ch. 24 We'll Pull Through in the End**

 **(CLARE)**

"So are you guys still thinking of going to Europe this summer?" Paige asks.

"Well with kids out of the picture we want to travel and now that I'm working and going to be a published author we have some money to play around with and we want to travel."

It's been two months since we found out we couldn't have kids. I was depressed about it for a while, it felt like another defeat and I just didn't see an upside. I felt like so much had been taken from us and we couldn't have kids because my body couldn't sustain them. Drew tried his best and I tried to be optimistic for the future and think about focusing on us but it wasn't easy I had been so excited about being a mom again. Then for my birthday and Valentines Drew and I took a trip to Iceland. We left on a Friday after work and came home on Wednesday evening and Drew had to go into work the next day but we loved it. It was nice to focus on us, have an adventure and it gave us a thirst to travel. When we came home I really had a new zest for life, I'd already returned to work part time but I began working full time and started writing a book that was a fictionalized telling of mine and Drew's story from high school until now. I asked my editor to read the first couple of chapters and she loved it so much she gave it to a publisher friend and they signed me! So things were looking up in a big way and I was no longer depressed.

Paige is extremely pregnant and Drew and I came to their place to make them dinner, she wanted to help so she's sitting at the table chopping vegetables. She's due in seven weeks and she's been mostly on bed rest for the last month and is already starting to go a little crazy.

"I think it's great, you guys are going to have a blast," Paige says.

"Yeah it's going to be fun we're already making a list of everything we want to do," Drew grins.

"Take lots of pictures and…"

"Oh," Paige shrieks a little bit cutting Adam off mid-sentence and we all look at her. "Umm I hate to cut dinner short but I think I'm having contractions," Paige tells us and we drop everything.

"Are you sure? You're only 33 weeks," Adam comments both terrified and elated.

"Yeah I'm sure I think we had better go to the hospital," Paige replies.

"Yeah okay hospital, let's go to the hospital does anyone remember how to get to the hospital?" Adam says frantically as he helps Paige up.

"We'll drive Drew you help Adam get Paige out to the car and I'll grab her bag for the hospital," I command the boys.

They begin getting Paige out to the car and I run to their bedroom to get the bag for the hospital. When I get to the car Paige is in and Drew is in the driver's seat. I get in and Drew begins rushing to the hospital. Paige's contractions go from ten minutes apart to seven minutes apart just on the drive. Drew parks at emergency and we run in telling them Paige is in labor with twins, an orderly comes out with a wheelchair and gets Paige in it. They rush Paige in while Drew and I park the car. We go up to obstetrics and find Paige's room.

"They're going to give her an epidural soon. They don't think it will be too long," Adam tells us while Paige is focusing on her breathing.

"We'll go call everyone and check in later," I tell them and Adam nods.

"You call Jenna and K.C. and call Eli. I'll call Owen and Ash and Mom and Dad," Drew says when we're back in the hall.

"Good I'll call Paige's mom too," I reply and we get out our cell phones.

I call Paige's mom first, Paige's parents were going to come down in three weeks but they'll have to come down early. I call Eli next then Jenna and K.C. telling them all that Paige is in labor and of course they all want to be kept up to date and will come to the hospital after the babies are born; they also say to call if any of us need anything. After Drew and I are done we go in to check on Paige again. She's actually in labor now so we go to the waiting room, there are already a bunch of doctors and nurses in her room, in fact there are so many I check with the on duty nurse to make sure everything is okay. She tells me that the twins are preemies at this time and that's why all the doctors and nurses. Drew and I wait for a while before I get another update we hear that one baby is out and already at the NICU and the other is on its way. Shortly after that Adam comes out of the room.

"We had a girl and a boy, the doctors said they look pretty good but they're taking them to the NICU to be examined and they'll probably have to stay for four or five weeks while they develop a little more. Paige is being sewn up and then you can come see her," Adam tells us.

"Good we'll call everyone back and tell them the twins are here, you should go be with your wife," I tell Adam.

Adam smiles, Drew hugs his brothers and we make the round of calls again to give everyone the news. Paige's parents are at the airport trying to get a flight, Eli sends his love but as he's currently in California he can't exactly come out tonight. Owen and Ash as well as Jenna and K.C. however are coming to the hospital tonight. After we make all the phone calls we go in to see Paige.

"How do you feel?" Drew asks her.

"Numb but good, they said the babies were going to be fine after a few weeks and that they'd already developed quite well," Paige smiles.

"We were thinking we'd name the boy Andrew and the girl Dylan, actually we intended to name them after our brothers all along but we thought we were having two boys," Adam tells us.

"Sweet," Drew grins.

"Would you like to see your babies?" A nurse asks coming into the room.

"Yes more than anything," Paige nods.

The nurse and an orderly get Paige into a wheelchair and we all go down to the NICU. Adam and Paige go in after being sterilized and everything. Drew and I watch from the window and see our new niece and nephew through the glass.

"They're so tiny and beautiful," I smile.

"They're going to need their aunt and uncle to show them the ropes and I'm sure my brother and Paige are going to need a break," Drew comments putting his arm around me.

"Yeah I know," I nod leaning against him, "we'll be a great aunt and uncle."

 **(DREW)**

"A little higher on your end Drew," Clare instructs.

Owen and I are hanging the welcome home banner for Andrew and Dylan; they've been in the hospital a month and are being brought home today because they are finally strong enough to come home. Paige's parents and Mom and Dad have been here since Paige gave birth. Dylan and Marco flew in a couple days ago, Eli flew in when his project finished and he's been here since. Everyone's been to the hospital to see the twins but now they're coming home.

For Clare and I it's especially nice to be welcoming new lives because only nine days ago it was the one year anniversary of Ezra's death. Everyone including Paige and Adam were with us that day and I didn't know if either of us were going to make it through that day. We had a memorial and Clare and I both cried for most of the day, I think we all worried that she'd slip back into a depression but she pulled out of it. She has her memory book and she's been writing and that's been helping.

"That's perfect," Clare says and we tack it up.

"I hear the car in the driveway," Ash tells us.

Owen and I get down and put the chairs back, standing with everyone else to welcome Andrew and Dylan home. We say welcome home when Paige and Adam come in each holding a baby in a carrier but we don't yell because we don't want to frighten the babies. Of course every one coos over the babies and wants to see them, a few people hold them. We stay for a couple of hours eating and talking and watching the new babies. However the new babies have to adjust to being home and a schedule so we don't want to stay too long. Only my parents and Paige's parents stay behind to clean up and help out.

"Dylan and Andrew are so adorable I can't wait to babysit," Clare smiles as we walk into the house.

"I'm sure they'll be calling on that service a lot," I reply bringing my wife onto my lap as I sit on the sofa. "Do you want to do some more planning on our summer trip before we make dinner?" I ask her and she nods.

She sits next to me and gets out her laptop; we begin looking up places in Benelux that we want to go. We're researching a sight and talking about going there when there's a sudden knock at the door and it startles us. Clare sets down her laptop while I get up to open the door. I look through the peephole and find a man in a suit.

"Can I help you?" I inquire after opening the door.

"I'm Mike Carroll, I'm a lawyer i…"

"Are we being sued?" I inquire as Clare comes to the door.

"No I'm an estate lawyer, are you Clare and Drew Torres?"

"Yes," Clare nods linking her arm with mine.

"I'm afraid I bring bad news, your sister Darcy was killed in Africa three weeks ago," he says and Clare clings to me.

"Darcy's dead?" Clare gasps.

"Yes I'm terribly sorry to be delivering the news this way but they had some trouble finding your address. I represent the estate of Peter and Darcy Stone a…"

"Wait," Clare cuts him off, "when did Darcy marry Peter? When was he in Africa?"

"Uh would you like to come in," I offer moving Clare out of the way so he can come in. He comes in and we all sit in the living room.

"According to the paperwork they married six years ago but I'm not sure why Mr. Stone went to Africa. They had a living will naming you and Drew only. They had small life insurance policies which you are the beneficiaries of but most importantly you've been named God parents and guardians of their six month old daughter Nichelle."

"Darcy left us their daughter," Clare smiles.

"I know this is a lot to deal with but you'll need come to my office in the morning to sign some papers if you're going to take the child. Once you claim guardianship you'll have the option of adopting her," the lawyer says.

"And if we don't claim guardianship?" I question and Clare gives me a look.

"The baby would be sent to an orphanage, Mr. Stone's mother is dead and he made it quite clear that his father was not to raise his child. Mrs. Stone said the same about both of your parents. Here is some paperwork and information for you to look over. Whatever you decide you'll need to come to my office at nine tomorrow morning to sign papers, here's my car. If you have any questions call my office," Mr. Carroll says handing me a stack of papers and he shows himself out.

"You weren't serious were you? Why would we not claim guardianship of Nichelle? We thought about adoption and fostering."

"We don't know this baby."

"It's my sister's baby Drew, it's part of our family you were willing to adopt and foster but not take in my sister's child?!"

"I didn't say that but you haven't spoken to your sister in over ten years and now…"

"And now what? I don't understand why you're not jumping for joy right now. We wanted another child and now we've been given the gift of one. Or did you never want another child? Were you happy when you found out I was barren?"

"Clare it's not that you know it's not that I was devastated too but this comes as a shock and we had just started planning a future with no kids I just don't think…"

"So you don't want kids now because we plan to travel, because we were thinking we'd never have them?"

"No," I say quietly, "I don't know maybe. I just…"

"Get out!" Clare demands.

"What?"

"Get out Drew I can't be around you right now I need space and I need you to leave before I do or say something I might regret not get out or I'll leave."

I know it's better to just not argue with her at this point so I leave the apartment. I drive to Owen and Ashley's place since they live closest to us now and I don't want to go to a bar.

"What happened?" Owen asks when he sees me.

"Something that should be great but I'm just not happy about it, not like I should be I guess and Clare is really upset with me," I tell him.

"You know I think I'll go see if Clare needs someone to talk to," Ash says grabbing her purse and slipping on her shoes. She kisses Owen and hugs me before she goes.

"Okay so what'd you do?" Owen questions.

"We were home and planning more of our trip and then there was a knock at the door. It was a lawyer who informed us that Clare's sister Darcy and her husband Peter had died. Clare didn't even know Darcy had married Peter. Well anyway as Clare is adjusting to that shock he tells us they had a six month old baby girl and we're the God parents and named guardians in the will. So now we have the option of taking in this baby."

"And you don't want to?"

"I don't know, I'm just…I don't know I spent weeks convincing Clare that it was a good thing that we were never going to have kids. That we'd be the fun aunt and uncle but we could travel and live for us, I'd been picturing it and I guess I'd settled into the fact that we'd never have kids. Now we're…being forced doesn't seem right but I don't even know Darcy or Peter and they left us their kid? And I'm going to be a dad again, I know we had talked about adoption and fostering even and I don't why this should be different but it just is. I was more concerned about Clare's feelings losing her sister than being happy about a baby. Clare saw my apprehension and she got angry and told me to get out."

"Well it makes sense, I can understand why she got so angry it wasn't that long ago that she found out she couldn't even kids and before that she had cancer and before that you lost your son. The anniversary of which just passed and she was feeling that hurt all over again it probably just compounded how she's been feeling knowing she can't have kids. Now she's given the prospect of being a mom again, and it's her sisters kid so she probably feels a connection to it but since you never knew Darcy maybe you don't."

"Yeah I think that's part of it, I've never met Darcy and she's been missing for years her family hardly even talks about her. Now she's dropped her kid into our lap, I mean it's not like she abandoned the baby and left it with us but it kind of feels that way. I just…man I don't know I just can't seem to get excited about it. I was so set on not having kids and I'd really just put the thought of ever having kids out of my mind and now someone's telling me I inherited a kid."

"I get that, I'm sure if you talk to Clare she'll understand your feelings but you have to acknowledge hers. I know you were sure you'd never have kids again and put the thought of kids out of your mind but forgetting for a moment that this is not your kid by birth, and it's not a kid you picked from adoption agency. Forgetting all that for a moment does the thought of having a baby again and being a dad again make you smile? Think about holding Ezra, the way he smelled, the way he gripped you're finger."

"Yeah," I reply with a grin as a flood of those memories goes through my mind, "yeah it does but this baby isn't Ezra."

"You're never going to have Ezra back, no baby even if you'd had another of your own would be Ezra but you'll be a dad. You'll be able to teach this child so much, hear her call you Daddy, take her to games and watch her grow."

"Yeah I know and you're right that all does sound great, I don't know I guess I better talk to Clare. I would love to be a dad again, have a baby and I know it would make Clare happy. I guess we can travel with kids."

"Maybe put off the Europe trip for a while but you've got lots of babysitters and grandparents I'm sure would be happy to take her while you and Clare travel."

"Yeah you're right, I need to go talk to Clare. Thanks buddy," I smile hugging Owen before I leave. I'm sure he'll call Ash right after I leave and tell her I'm on way home. When I get home Clare is at the kitchen table sipping some tea. "Is it safe to come in?"

"I don't want to fight Drew," she says getting up and coming over to kiss me.

"I don't either and this is a stupid thing to fight about," I reply taking her hand and pulling her to sit down with me on the sofa. "I know my reaction wasn't what you were expecting, given the news we just got and how happy I'm sure it made you knowing that you would be a mom again, even if it was because your sister died, I probably should have been a lot happier. It was just a lot to handle all at once. I was worried about you handling your sister's death and then we're told we're going to be parents. I know the thought of that should have made me happier but I felt a little thrust into this. I've never even met your sister and she left us her kid. We'd already come to grips with the fact that we'd never have kids, we were planning our lives and travel and then we're parents all of sudden which kind of puts a wrench in those plans and I know it was selfish of me to think that way but when I first heard it's what I felt. I know that you want nothing more than to be a mom again because it's Darcy's kid maybe you feel a connection to it already."

"I do and I'm excited to be a mom, Nichelle is a part of my sister which means she's a part of me. Are you that set on never having kids again just so we can travel?"

"Not just so we can travel but Owen made me realize how much joy being a dad again would bring. And that we can still travel, maybe we delay the Europe trip by a year or two but we have a lot of baby sitters and she has two sets of grandparents to take her. This is a huge thing though we need to be sure about it, 100% sure both of us."

"Do you want Nichelle? Do you want to be a dad again? Because I know I want to be a mom again and I know that it would be a great honor to take in my sister's daughter and adopt her and raise her. So much bad has been taken from us in the last year and now this is something good, a gift that's been given to us. Tragically I had to lose my sister for it but still it's a gift and I want Nichelle, I want to be a mom again, I want to be Nichelle's mom," Clare tells me with a pleading yet determined tone.

"Then we'll be the best parents Nichelle could ever have," I tell her with a grin.

"You mean it? Are you 100% positive this is what you want? I don't want to take her in and adopt her and have you resent her."

"I promise you I won't, I was hesitant at first for a lot of reasons but the more I think about the more I know this is right and I want to do this. I'm going to love Nichelle and we're great parents we already know we're great parents. I'll call about getting our tickets and reservations changed and you'd better call your parents they probably don't even know that Darcy is dead or they would have called. We'll go to the lawyers in the morning and sign the papers."

"I love you," Clare smiles gripping me and giving me a deep passionate kiss.

"I love you too, we're going to be parents," I grin.

Clare goes into the bedroom to call her parents and I start calling the airlines and the hotels and everything. I explain the situation and everyone is understanding, they either refund our deposits if we gave them one or change our reservation. Clare and I are determined to go on our Europe trip still it will just have to wait until next summer or the summer after. After a long time on the phone for both of us we make a light dinner and go to bed. We can barely sleep though but we still get up early the next morning and after eating breakfast we leave for the lawyer's office.

"Good to see you Clare and Drew," Mr. Carroll says shaking our hands and motioning for us to sit down. "Have you made a decision?"

"Yes we're going to take Nichelle and start adoption procedures. We think that would be best," Clare answers.

"I agree, you'll need to sign some papers and I'll have Nichelle brought to the office, she's been under observation at the hospital after a long flight from Africa," Mr. Carroll tells us.

We spend about an hour signing papers and being read the will, given the life insurance policies and some more paperwork. It almost seems never ending but finally we're finished and he tells his secretary we're done and asks her to come in. She comes in with a baby carrier and a sleeping baby.

"Okay we'll be in touch Nichelle is yours now and I'll file the adoption papers with the judge. We'll file the life insurance claims with the death certificates and they should be in touch. If you have any other questions call the office," he tells us while Clare is just gazing at Nichelle.

We thank him and go down to the car. The secretary gives us the base for the car seat. We get Nichelle in the car and I start driving.

"Drew we don't have anything, we don't have a crib or formula or anything," Clare comments.

"Okay let's stop at a department store and pick up everything we'll need."

We stop at the nearest department store that will have everything we need. Nichelle stays asleep until we're in the store and then she begins crying. Clare is looking at changing tables so I pick Nichelle up and hold her. She's got blonde hair and green eyes and she's gorgeous.

"Hi Nichelle I guess I'm your daddy now," I tell her and she smiles grabbing my finger and sucking on it.

This small action makes me smile and my heart swells, I fall in love with her when her eyes lock onto mine, she is my daughter and I love her.

 **(CLARE)**

"Drew will take Nichelle so I can help Ash?" I request.

"Nichelle you want to come to Daddy?" Drew asks holding his arms out for her.

"Aggl vvm rrll bububahmm," Nichelle babbles reaching for Drew.

She's ten months old now and we've had her for four months. The adoption came through a week after we picked her up. We put the bulk of the proceeds from Darcy and Peter's life insurance into a college fund for her. We did have to hire some help and buy a lot of things including baby clothes and diapers, formula, bottles and everything else. She's too young to remember Peter or Darcy but we found some old pictures of them and we show her, we call them uncle and aunt though because she knows Drew and I as Daddy and Mommy and we don't want to confuse her. Drew and I have talked about it and when she's old enough we will tell her about Darcy and Peter and we'll tell her about Ezra. We've all suffered a lot of loss but it brought us all together as a family.

Nichelle is a daddy's girl, she adores Drew and he adores her, he dotes on her and nothing makes him happier after a long day than to come home to her. She has been a wonderful joy and when we adopted her gave her a middle name, she didn't have one before, but we gave her the middle name Ezara in honor of our fallen son.

Today, Saturday October 4th, is Ashley and Owen's wedding. Drew and I are both in the wedding party but Ashley's younger second cousin and two of her friends are on child care duty. They will be watching not only Nichelle but Andrew and Dylan because Paige is also in the wedding party. They will also watching Ashely's five year old niece, her stepbrother's daughter, because Toby is also in the wedding party.

Drew takes Nichelle and I go to the girl's dressing room. Ash is in here of course along with Paige, and Ashley's mom. Hazel is also here, Hazel was friends with Ash and Paige in high school and she's a wedding planner, she planned Paige and Adam's wedding. Ellie, another high school friend of Ashley's, is the last bridesmaid and she hasn't arrived yet.

We help Ashley get dressed, Elli comes and we all get into our dresses and get our hair and makeup done. We get our bouquets and Hazel tells us to get in position to walk down the aisle. Drew is Owen's best man so he'll be escorting Paige, I'm escorted down the aisle by Tris and Toby escorts Ellie. Ashley is escorted by her mom and her dad, Owen waits anxiously at the end of the aisle. We take our places and the ceremony begins, it's a beautiful ceremony and reminds me of mine and Drew's wedding. After the ceremony and pictures we take several cars to the reception hall, the kids all came earlier with the babysitters and the rest of the wedding. Drew and I see Nichelle on a blanket on the floor with Andrew and Dylan, the four month old twins are on their stomachs and holding hands and Nichelle is watching them.

"What a lovely ceremony," Paige grins coming over to us and picking up Dylan while Dew picks up Nichelle.

"It was beautiful and it's hard to believe a year ago I was still sick in the hospital. So much has happened it feels like it's been a lifetime in the last eighteen months. So much heartache and pain and loss, Drew and I lost our son and each other and found each other again. I survived cancer and now we have a beautiful daughter," I grin at Nichelle.

"My brother got married and has beautiful twins, my wife is going to be a published author, Owen and Ash are married. For all the pain in the last couple of years there has been a lot of joy and a lot of hope for the future," Drew says kissing Nichelle's head.

"Yes there has," I grin and capture Drew's lips for a kiss, "and we pulled through together, we made it."

 **And so the story ends but after all that pain I did bring you a happy ending. Beginning next Tuesday is** _ **We Ain't Done Anything I'd Take Back**_ **which is pretty much my fix-it for everything that went wrong starting with SWF episode.**


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